HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP HIGH SCHOOL EDUCATORS

HEALTHY RELATIONSHIPHIGH SCHOOLEDUCATORS TOOLKITHealthy Relationship Educators Toolkit1

TABLE OF CONTENTSAbout the Guide3Relationship Spectrum4Defining Healthy Relationships & Characteristics5Defining Unhealthy Relationships & Dating Abuse6Warning Signs of Abuse7How to Help Your Student8Healthy Relationships Curriculum Discussion Guides9Communicating Effectively10Resolving Conflict12Stepping In14ActivitiesHealthy Relationship Educators Toolkit162

ABOUT THISGUIDEEvery day millions of lives in the U.S. are devastated by violence. On average, 24 people a minuteare victims of physical violence, rape or stalking by an intimate partner. That adds up to morethan 12 million women and men a year. The reality is that this doesn’t only affect adults. There aremillions of young people in this country, many of whom may be students of yours, whose lives areaffected—sometimes shaped—by violence.The FactsOne in three adolescents in the U.S. is a victim of emotional, physical or sexual abuse from a datingpartner, a figure that far exceeds other types of youth violence.Only 33% of teens who were in a violent relationship ever told anyone about the abuse.About loveisrespectloveisrespect’s mission is to engage, educate andempower young people to end abusive relationships.It is a project of the National Domestic ViolenceHotline and Break the Cycle.Connect with us!There is NO EXCUSE for abuse, and no one deservesto be abused. For support, information and resourcestalk to a loveisrespect peer advocate, 24/7/365:Dating abuse affects around 1.5 million teens annually.Call 1-866-331-9474As an educator, you are in a position to influence, motivate and lead children and youth. As amentor and role model to your students, you play a critical role in shaping their attitudes andbehaviors. You have the ability to help them get an understanding of healthy relationships and learnto recognize the signs of an unhealthy or abusive relationship. By leveraging classroom discussion,special projects and modeling the appropriate behaviors through your own words and actions, youcan have a tremendous impact on how your students grow to understand and appreciate safe,healthy and respectful relationships.Chat at loveisrespect.orgIt is our hope that you will feel free to use this guide because we believe that the way to prevent andend domestic violence and dating abuse is through education.Text loveis to 22522Follow loveisrespect on social media for informationand updates to share with your friends and family.Facebook /loveisrespectpageTwitter @loveisrespectInstagram @loveisrespectofficialHealthy Relationship Educators Toolkit3

RELATIONSHIPS EXISTON A SPECTRUMAll relationships exist on a spectrum, from healthy to abusive to somewhere in between. Below, we outline behaviors that occur in healthy, unhealthy andabusive relationships.HEALTHYUNHEALTHYABUSIVEA healthy relationship means that both you andyour partner are:You may be in an unhealthy relationship if one orboth partners is:Abuse is occurring in a relationship when onepartner:Communicating: You talk openly about problems,listen to each other and respect each other’s opinions.Not communicating: When problems arise, youfight or you don’t discuss them at all.Communicates in a way that is hurtful, threatening,insulting or demeaning.Respectful: You value each other as you are. Yourespect each other’s emotional, digital and sexualboundaries.Disrespectful: One or both partners is notconsiderate of the other’s feelings and/or personalboundaries.Disrespects the feelings, thoughts, decisions,opinions or physical safety of the other.Trusting: You believe what your partner has to say.You do not feel the need to “prove” each other’strustworthiness.Not trusting: One partner doesn’t believe what theother says, or feels entitled to invade their privacy.Honest: You are honest with each other, but can stillkeep some things private.Equal: You make decisions together and hold eachother to the same standards.Enjoying personal time: You both can enjoyspending time apart, alone or with others. Yourespect each other’s need for time apart.Healthy Relationship Educators ToolkitDishonest: One or both partners tells lies.Trying to take control: One partner feels theirdesires and choices are more important.Only spending time with your partner: Yourpartner’s community is the only one you socialize in.Physically hurts or injures the other partner byhitting, slapping, choking, pushing or shoving.Blames the other partner for their harmful actions,makes excuses for abusive actions and/or minimizesthe abusive behavior.Controls and isolates the other partner by tellingthem what to wear, who they can hang out with,where they can go and/or what they can do.Pressures or forces the other partner to do thingsthey don’t want to do; threatens, hurts or blackmailstheir partner if they resist or say no.4

DEFINING HEALTHYRELATIONSHIPSRelationships can all look different, but healthy relationships have a few thingsin common: open communication, mutual respect and healthy boundaries.Communication is a key part of building a healthy relationship. The first stepis making sure both partners in a relationship want and expect the samethings—being on the same page is very important. The following tips can helpyour students create and maintain a healthy relationship:Speak Up. In a healthy relationship, if something is bothering them, it’s bestto talk about it instead of holding it in.Respect Each Other. Each partner’s wishes and feelings have value.Let each other know they are making an effort to keep their ideas in mind.Mutual respect is essential in maintaining healthy relationships.Compromise. Disagreements are a natural part of healthy relationships,but it’s important that they find a way to compromise if they disagree onsomething. They should try to solve conflicts in a fair and rational way.Be Supportive. Offer reassurance and encouragement to each other in arelationship. Also, partners should let each other know when they need theirsupport. Healthy relationships are about building each other up, not puttingeach other down.Setting Healthy BoundariesHealthy relationships require space. Creating healthy boundaries is a goodway to keep relationships healthy and secure.By setting boundaries together, partners can have a deeper understanding ofthe type of relationship they each want. Boundaries are not meant to makeanyone feel trapped or like they are “walking on eggshells.”Creating boundaries is not a sign of secrecy or distrust—it’s an expression ofwhat makes someone feel comfortable and what they would like or not like tohappen within the relationship.Healthy boundaries shouldn’t restrict someone’s ability to: Go out with their friends without their partner. Participate in activities and hobbies they like. Not have to share passwords to their email, social media accountsor phone. Respect each other’s individual likes and needs.Respect Each Other’s Privacy. Just because someone is in a relationshipdoesn’t mean they have to share everything and constantly be together.Healthy Relationship Educators Toolkit5

DEFINING UNHEALTHYRELATIONSHIPS& DATING ABUSERelationships that are not healthy are based on power and control, notequality and respect. In the early stages of an abusive relationship, yourstudents may not think the unhealthy behaviors are a big deal. However,possessiveness, insults, jealous accusations, yelling, humiliation, pulling hair,pushing or other negative, abusive behaviors, are—at their root—exertions ofpower and control. Remember that abuse is always a choice and you deserveto be respected. There is no excuse for abuse of any kind.Dating abuse is a pattern of destructive behaviors used to exert powerand control over a dating partner. While we define dating violence as apattern, that doesn’t mean the first instance of abuse is not dating violence.It just recognizes that dating violence usually involves a series of abusivebehaviors over a course of time.Dating violence can happen to anyone, regardless of age, race, gender,sexual orientation or background.Drugs and alcohol can affect a person’s judgment and behavior, but they donot excuse abuse or violence. Alternatively, if a person uses drugs/alcoholit does not mean they deserve abuse or assault.Healthy Relationship Educators ToolkitDating violence can be:Physical: hitting, slapping, choking, kicking, grabbing, pulling hair,pushing, shovingEmotional/Verbal: putting you down; embarrassing you in public (onlineor off); threatening you in any way; telling you what to do or what to wear;threatening suicide; accusing you of cheatingSexual: pressuring or forcing you to do anything sexual you’re notcomfortable with and/or do not consent to, including sexting; restrictingaccess to birth control; unwanted kissing or touchingFinancial: demanding access to your money; preventing you from working;insisting that if they pay for you, you owe them something in returnDigital: sending threats via text, social media or email; stalking orembarrassing you on social media; hacking your social media or emailaccounts without permission; forcing you to share passwords; constantlytexting or calling to check up on you; frequently looking through your phoneor monitoring your texts/call log6

WARNING SIGNSOF ABUSEWarning Signs of AbuseBecause relationships exist on a spectrum, it can be hard to tell when abehavior crosses the line from healthy to unhealthy or even abusive. Thefollowing are warning signs of a relationship going in the wrong direction: Constantly putting someone downExtreme jealousy or insecurityExplosive temperIsolating someone from their family or friends, dictating who they can seeor hang out withMood swings (nice one minute and angry the next)Checking someone’s cell phone, social media or email without permissionPhysically hurting someone in any wayPossessivenessTelling someone what to do or what to wearNot sure if one of your studentsis in trouble?You might not see dramatic warning signs like blackeyes and broken bones, so it can be difficult toknow for sure if they are experiencing abuse in theirrelationship. But if you know the signs to look for, youmight be able to recognize an abusive relationshipbefore it escalates. To start, listen to your instincts—you probably wouldn’t be worried without goodreason. Also, look for these red flags: Problems with school attendance, particularly if itis a new problem Lack of interest in former extracurricular activities Sudden request for a change in schedule Unexplained changes in behavior, gradesor quality of schoolwork Noticeable change in weight, demeanoror physical appearance Isolation from former friends Little social contact with anyone but theirdating partner Unexplained bruises or injuries Making excuses or apologizing for their datingpartner’s inappropriate behavior New disciplinary problems at school, such asbullying other students or acting out Name-calling or belittling from a dating partnerHealthy Relationship Educators Toolkit7