After A Loved One Dies— - New York Life
After a loved one dies—How children grieve and how parentsand other adults can support them.
After a loved one dies—How children grieve and howparents and other adults can support them.Written by David J. Schonfeld, MD, and Marcia Quackenbush, MS, MFT, CHESDr. Schonfeld is a developmental-behavioral pediatrician at the University of Southern Californiaand Children’s Hospital Los Angeles. He founded and directs the National Center for School Crisisand Bereavement (www.schoolcrisiscenter.org). Supported in part by a generous grant from theNew York Life Foundation as well as research in the fields of childhood bereavement and crisispreparedness, response and recovery.Copyright 2019 New York Life Foundation. Permission is granted for educational and nonprofit use of these materials, withacknowledgment. All other rights reserved. Published by the New York Life Foundation, 51 Madison Avenue, New York, NY 10010.Email: NYLFoundation@newyorklife.com.This publication was supported by a generous grant from the New York Life Foundation.The information contained in this booklet is not intended as a substitute for your health professional’s opinion or care. You and yourchildren have unique needs that may not be addressed in this booklet. If you have concerns, be sure to seek professional advice.
Protecting families and providing them with financial security is at the heart of New York Life’sbusiness. But we also recognize the tremendous emotional toll suffered by family members—especiallychildren—when they lose a parent, sibling, or other loved one. And helping young people grieve, heal, andgrow is part of New York Life’s long-term philanthropic commitment to assisting children in need.This booklet provides valuable guidance to parents and other caregivers who are helping children copewith their grief and fear following a death in the family. This was prepared with the assistance of some ofthe nation’s most respected authorities on this important topic, and I think you will find their words andsuggestions sensible and reassuring.I wish you the comfort that is found in helping young hearts heal.Ted MathasChairman and Chief Executive OfficerNew York Life
After a loved one dies—How children grieve and how parentsand other adults can support them.What’s covered in this guide.Helping children, helping the family. 4Why a parent’s role is important. 5Helping children understand death. 5Explaining death to children. 8How children respond to death. 9Attending funerals and memorials. 13Helping children cope over time. 15Getting help. 18Supporting families who are grieving. 19Taking care of yourself . 20Looking to the future . 21Resources for support. 21
Helping children, helping the family.When childrenget supportfrom parentsand otheradults aroundthem, it helpsthe entirefamily cope.The death of a loved one is difficult foreveryone. Children feel the loss strongly.Parents are coping with their own grief.If a parent dies, the surviving parentfaces the new responsibility of caringfor the children alone. Grandparents,aunts, uncles, and family friends areaffected, too.When children get support from parentsand other adults around them, it helpsthe entire family cope. There is lessconfusion, and more understanding ofone another. The family sees that it canstay close even though the feelings ofgrief might be very strong.Because children and teens understanddeath differently from adults, theirreactions may be different. Some of thethings they say or do may seem puzzling.How to use this guide.This guide reviews how children grieveand how parents and other caringadults can help them understand deathbetter. It offers suggestions for helpingchildren cope. These suggestions arenot meant to rush children through theirgrief or turn them into adults beforetheir time. Rather, they will give theman understanding they can use now,as children, to grieve in a healthy andmeaningful way.This guide covers a lot of information.Some of it will apply to your situation,and some of it may not. You can read justthe sections that seem most importantto you right now. As things change ornew situations come up, you may wantto read the other sections.Note: In this guide, “children” refersto children of all ages, including teens,except when talking about a specific age.Other caring adults.This guide is geared toward parents and family, but others who work withchildren may also find it useful. Teachers, coaches, childcare providers,and other caring adults can offer better support to a child who has lost aloved one when they understand more about how children grieve.
Why a parent’s role is important.Your children are experiencingpowerful and difficult feelings. Theywant guidance about what thesefeelings mean and how to cope. Morethan anyone else in their lives, they lookto you for that guidance.Your children are concerned for you, too.They wonder how you are coping. Theymay also worry about your health andsurvival. Your support and reassuranceare most important for them, and canhave more impact than anyone else’s.When a parent is grieving.Talking with your children about adeath is especially difficult when you’redealing with your own grief. Childrenoften ask the same questions adults askthemselves at such times: How couldsomething this unfair happen? How can Igo on if I will never get to see this personagain? Who wants to live in a worldwhere this can occur? What’s goingto become of our family now that thisperson is gone?Especially in these difficult moments,your love and support are veryimportant to your children. They learnhow to deal with their grief by watchingwhat you do to cope. However, ifthe task of explaining death feelsoverwhelming to you right now, youmay want to have someone else assistyou with the discussion. Think aboutgiving that person this guide to read.More thananyone else intheir lives, theylook to youfor guidance.You can still have these conversationswith your children when you are ready.They will need to discuss this more thanonce, and it will matter to them becauseit comes from you.Helping children understand death.Children see and hear many of thesame things adults do. However, theirunderstanding of what these thingsmean may be quite different. This istrue with death. Adults can help childrenunderstand death accurately. Thisinvolves more than simply giving themthe facts. It means helping them graspsome important new concepts.Support of this type allows children tounderstand and adjust to the loss fullyas they continue to move forward intheir lives.5
Four basic concepts about death.Everyone, including children, must understand four basic concepts about death to grieve fully and cometo terms with what has happened. Teens, and even adults, may have a full and rational understanding ofdeath, yet still struggle to accept these basic concepts when faced with the death of a loved one. It is evenharder for young children who do not yet understand the concepts to cope with a loss.There is wide variation in how well children of the same age understand death based on what they haveexperienced and the things they have already learned about it.Don’t assume what your children know based on their age. Instead, ask them to talk about their ideas,thoughts, and feelings. As they explain what they already understand about death, you’ll be able to seewhat they still need to learn. Even toddlers can begin to understand some of these basic concepts.1. Death is irreversible.In cartoons, television shows, and movies, children seecharacters “die” and then come back to life. In real life, thisis not going to happen.Children who don’t fully understand this concept may viewdeath as a kind of temporary separation. They often thinkof people who have died as being far away, perhaps on a trip.Sometimes adults reinforce this belief by talking about theperson who died as having “gone on a long journey.” Childrenmay feel angry when their loved one doesn’t call or return forimportant occasions.If children don’t think of the death as permanent, they havelittle reason to begin to mourn. Mourning is a painful processthat requires people to adjust their ties to the person who hasdied. An essential first step in this process is understandingand, at some level, accepting that the loss is permanent.2. A ll life functions end completelyat the time of death.Very young children view all things as living—their sister, atoy, the mean rock that just “tripped” them. In day-to-dayconversations, adults may add to this confusion by talkingabout the child’s doll being hungry or saying they got homelate because the car “died.”Imaginative play with children is natural and appropriate. But,while adults understand that there’s a difference betweenpretending a doll is hungry and believing the doll is hungry, thisdifference may not be clear to a very young child.Young children are sometimes encouraged to talk to a familymember who has died. They may be told their loved one is“watching over them” from heaven. Sometimes children areasked to draw a picture or write a note to the person who diedthat can be placed in the coffin.These comments can be confusing and even frightening tosome children. If the person who has died could read a note,does it mean he or she will be aware of being in the coffin? Willthe person realize he or she has been buried?Children may know that people can’t move after they’ve died,but believe this is because the coffin is too small. They mayknow people can’t see after death, but believe this is because itis dark underground. These children may become preoccupiedwith the physical suffering of the deceased.When children can correctly identify what living functions are,they can also understand that these functions end completelyat the time of death. For example, only living things can think,be afraid, be hungry, or feel pain. Only living things have abeating heart or need air to breathe.6
3. E verything that is alive4. T here are physical reasonsChildren may believe that they and others close to them willnever die. Parents often reassure children that they will alwaysbe there to take care of them. They tell them not to worryabout dying themselves. This wish to shield children fromdeath is understandable. But when a death directly affectschildren, this reality can no longer be hidden from them. Whena parent or other significant person has died, children willusually fear that others close to them—perhaps everyonethey care about—will also die.Children must understand why their loved one has died. If theydon’t, they’re more likely to come up with explanations thatcause guilt or shame.eventually dies.someone dies.The goal is to help children feel they understand what hashappened. Offer a brief explanation using simple and directlanguage. Take your cues from your children, and allow them toask for further explanations. Graphic details aren’t necessaryand should be avoided, especially if the death was violent.Children, just like adults, struggle to make sense of a death.If they do not understand that death is an inevitable part of life,they will make mistakes as they figure out why this particulardeath occurred. They may assume it happened because ofsomething bad they did or something they failed to do. Theymay think it happened because of bad thoughts they had. Thisleads to guilt. They may assume the person who died did orthought bad things, or didn’t do something he or she shouldhave done. This leads to shame.These reactions make it difficult for children to adjust to theloss. Many children don’t want to talk about the death becauseit will expose these terrible feelings of guilt and shame.When you talk to your children about this concept, let themknow you are well, and that you are doing everything you canto stay healthy. Explain that you hope and expect to live a verylong time, until your children are adults. This is different fromtelling children that you or they will never die.7
Explaining death to children.Talking with yourchildren providesa chance for themto show youtheir feelings.Sometimes, children don’t react tonews of a death the way their parentsand other adults expect them to. Thereare many ways explanations aboutdeath can confuse children.What to do.Explanations and terms may not beclear. Adults often choose words theyfeel are gentler or less frightening forchildren. They might avoid using thewords “dead” or “died,” which seemharsh at such an emotional time. But,with these less direct terms, childrenmay not understand what the adultis saying. For example, if an adult tellschildren that their loved one is now in astate of “eternal sleep,” the children maybecome afraid to go to sleep.Children may only understand part ofthe explanation. Even when adults giveclear, direct explanations, children maynot fully understand. For example, somechildren who have been told that thebody was placed in a casket worry aboutwhere the head has been placed.Speak gently, but frankly and directlyto children. Use the words “dead”and “died.”What to do.Check back with your children to seewhat they understand. You might say,“Let me see if I’ve explained this well.Please tell me what you understandhas happened.”
Religious concepts may be confusing.It is appropriate to share the family’sreligious beliefs with children when adeath has occurred, but remember thatreligious beliefs may be abstract anddifficult for children to understand.What to do.Present the facts about what happensto the physical body, as well as thereligious beliefs held by the family. Forexample, children might first be toldthat the person has died. His or her bodyno longer thinks, feels, or sees. Theperson’s entire body has been placed ina casket and buried. In some faiths, theadult might then explain that there is aspecial part of the person that cannotbe seen or touched, which some peoplecall the spirit or soul, and that thispart continues on in a place we cannotsee or visit, which is called heaven.How children respond to death.Children’s reactions to a death maycommunicate their thoughts, feelings,and fears. Sometimes these reactionsare confusing to adults. But, whenadults understand what children arecommunicating, everything makesmore sense.Here are some common reactionschildren may have.Children may become upset by thesediscussions. Keep in mind that it isn’tthe conversation causing distress, butthe very painful loss felt from the deathof a loved one. Talking with your childrenprovides a chance for them to show youtheir feelings. When you understand theirfeelings, it’s easier to help them cope withthe experience.What to do.Pause the conversation if that seemsbest. Provide support and comfort. Planto continue the talk another time soon.Children may be reluctant to talk abouta recent death. Often this happensbecause they see that the adults aroundthem are uncomfortable talking aboutthe death. Children may withhold theirown comments or questions to avoidupsetting family members. They maybelieve it’s wrong to talk about suchthings. Older children and teens mayturn to peers to discuss the death. Theymay tell adults close to them that theydon’t want or need to talk about it.What to do.Avoid forcing the issue or getting intopower struggles about it.Continue to invite your children to talkon several occasions over time.Acknowledge that these conversationscan be difficult. Let your children knowyou find talking helpful.Let your children know it’s OK to showtheir feelings. Otherwise, they might tryto hide their feelings and deal with themwithout your support. Let them knowit’s OK to cry. Crying may help themfeel better.Help older children and teens identifyother adults in their lives with whomthey can talk. Look for people who arenot as directly affected by the death,such as a teacher, chaplain, schoolcounselor, mental health professional,or a pediatrician or other healthcare provider.Show them your own feelings.Demonstrate how you are coping. Letyour children see you crying, talkingwith friends, seeking spiritual comfort,or remembering good things about theperson who has died.Maintain an emotional and physicalpresence with your children. Hug them.Talk about your feelings. Ask abouttheirs. Even older children and teensneed your support and assistance asthey cope with the loss.9
Children may useplay or creativeactivities such asdrawing orwriting to expresstheir grief.Children may express their feelingsin ways other than talking. Childrenmay use play or creative activities suchas drawing or writing to express theirgrief. Often, they come to a betterunderstanding of grief through play andcreativity. These expressions can giveyou some important clues about whatchildren are thinking, but be careful notto jump to conclusions. For example,very happy drawings after a traumaticdeath might give adults the idea that achild is not affected by the death when,in fact, this is more likely a sign that thechild is not yet ready to deal with thegrieving process.What to do.Offer your children opportunities toplay, write, draw, paint, dance, make upsongs, or do other creative activities.Ask them to tell you about theirartwork. For example, you might say,“Tell me what’s happening in this pictureyou drew.” If there are people in thedrawing, ask who they are, what they’refeeling, whether anyone is missing fromthe picture, and so on.If you’re worried that your children’splay or creative work shows they arehaving trouble coping with the death,seek outside help. (See the section“Getting help” on page 18.)10Children often feel guilty after a deathhas occurred. Young children have alimited understanding of why thingshappen as they do. They often use aprocess called magical thinking. Thismeans they believe their own thoughts,wishes, and actions can make thingshappen in the greater world. Adults mayreinforce this misconception when theysuggest that children make a wish forsomething they want to happen.Magical thinking is useful at times. Beingable to wish for things to be better intheir lives and in the world can helpyoung children feel stronger and morein control. But there’s also a downside,because when something bad happens,such as the death of a loved one, childrenmay believe it happened because ofsomething they said, did, thought,or wished.Older children and teens also usuallywonder if there is something they couldhave done, or should have done, toprevent the death. For example, theparent wouldn’t have had a heart attackif the child hadn’t misbehaved andcaused stress in the family. The car crashwouldn’t have happened if the childdidn’t need to be picked up after school.The cancer wouldn’t have progressedif the child had just made sure the lovedone had seen a doctor.
When guilt is more likely.Children are most likely to feel guilty when there have been challengesin the relationship with the person who died, or in the circumstancesof the death. Here are some examples: The child was angry with the person just before the person died. The death occurred after a long illness, and, at times, the child mayhave wished the person would die to end everyone’s suffering. Some action of the child seems related to the death. For example,a teen got into a heated argument with his mother shortly before shedied in a car crash.
Explaining death to children.Children and teensusually wonder ifthere is somethingthey could havedone, or shouldhave done, toprevent the death.Children may feel guilty for survivingthe death of a sibling. They may alsofeel guilty if they are having fun or notfeeling very sad after a family memberhas died.When talking with children about thedeath of someone close, it’s appropriateto assume that some sense of guilt maybe present. This will usually be the caseeven if there is no logical reason for thechildren to feel responsible.What to do.Explain that when painful or “bad”things happen, people often wonder if itwas because they did something bad.Reassure your children that they arenot responsible for the death, even ifthey haven’t asked about this directly.Children often express anger aboutthe death. They may focus on someonethey feel is responsible. They may feelangry at God. They may feel angry at theperson who died for leaving them. Familymembers sometimes become the focusof this anger, because they are near andare “safe” targets.Older children and teens may engagein risky behaviors. They may driverecklessly, get into fights, drink alcohol,smoke cigarettes, or use drugs. Theymay become involved in sexual activityor delinquency. They may start tohave problems at school or conflictswith friends.Encourage yourchildren to talkwith someonethey trust.What to do.Allow children to express their anger.Avoid being critical about these feelings.Recognize that anger is a normal andnatural response.Help children identify appropriateways to express their anger. Encouragethem to talk about it with someone theytrust. Suggest that they do somethingphysical, such as running, sports,dancing, or yard work, or express theanger through creative activities, suchas writing or art.12Set limits on inappropriate behaviors.It’s not OK for children to hit or hurtothers, or for teens to put themselves orothers at risk in dangerous situations.Children may appear to think onlyabout themselves when confrontedwith a death. At the best of times,children are usually most concerned withthe things that affect them personally.At times of stress, such as after thedeath of someone they care about, theymay appear even more self-centered.At a time of tragedy, we often expectchildren to rise to the occasion and actmore “grown-up.” It’s true that childrenwho have coped with difficult eventsoften emerge with greater maturity. But,in the moment itself, most children, andeven adults, may act less maturely.Under stress, children may behave asthey did at a younger age. For example,children who have recently masteredtoilet training may start to have accidents.Children who have been acting withgreater independence may become clingyor have difficulty with separation.Children and teens can also act lessmature socially. They may becomedemanding, refuse to share, or pickfights with family members. They mayrespond to the death in ways that seemcold or selfish: “Does this mean I can’thave my birthday party this weekend?”“Am I still going to be able to go to thecollege I want?”Expect your children to think more aboutthemselves when they are grieving, atleast at first. Once they feel their needsare being met, they will be able to thinkmore about the needs of others.What to do.Continue to show caring and concernfor your children.Remember that your children are stillgrieving, even when they behave inthese ways.Set appropriate limits on behaviors, butresist the temptation to accuse childrenof being selfish or uncaring.
Attending funerals and memorials.When a close friend or relativedies, children should be offered theopportunity to attend the funeral ormemorial service whenever possible.Family members sometimes worry that afuneral will be frightening for the children,or that they will not understand whatis happening.But when children are not allowed toattend services, they often createfantasies far more frightening than whatactually occurs. They are likely to wonder,“What can they possibly be doing with mymother that is so awful I’m not allowedto see?” They may also feel hurt if theyare not included in this important familyevent. They lose an opportunity to feelthe comfort of spiritual and communitysupport provided through services.You can take steps before, during,and after the service to help yourchildren benefit.What to do.Explain what will happen. In simpleterms, let your children know what toexpect. Where will the service takeplace? Who will be there? Will therebe music?Describe what people will do at theservice. Will guests be crying? Willpeople share stories? Will people bevery serious, or will there be laughter?Talk about the specific features of theservice. Will there be a casket? Will it bean open casket? Will there be a funeralprocession or a graveside service?Find an adult to be with each child.Especially for young children andpreteens, find an adult who can stay witheach child throughout the service. Thisperson can answer questions, providecomfort, and give the child attention.Ideally, this will be someone the childknows and likes, such as a babysitter orneighbor, who isn’t as directly affectedby the death. This allows the adult tofocus on the child’s needs, includingleaving the service if the child wishes.Children shouldbe offered theopportunity toattend the funeralor memorial service.Allow options. Younger children mightwant to play quietly in the back of thesanctuary, which can still give them asense of having participated in the ritualin a direct way. Older children or teensmay want to invite a close friend to sitwith them in the family section.Offer a role in the service. It may behelpful for children to have a simple task,such as handing out memorial cards orhelping to choose flowers or a favoritesong for the service. It’s important tosuggest something that will comfort andnot overwhelm the children.Check in afterward. Be sure to speak toyour children after the service and offerthem your comfort and love. Over thenext few days, ask what they thought ofthe service. Do they have any feelingsthey want to share or questions to ask?Are themes from the service showing upin their play or drawings?Answer questions. Encourage yourchildren to ask any questions before theservice. Check in with them more thanonce on this.Let your children decide whether ornot to attend. You can let them knowthat you’d like them to be there, butdon’t ask them to participate in anyritual or activity they find frightening orunpleasant. Let them know that theycan leave at any point or just take a breakfor a few minutes.13
Helping children cope over time.Grief is not a quick process. Peoplewho’ve lost a family member generallyfeel that loss throughout their lives. Tocontinue giving your children support,it’s important to understand how theymay cope with their grief over time.No child is too young to be affectedby the death of someone close. Eveninfants respond to a death. They missthe familiar presence of a parent whohas died. They sense powerful emotionsaround them, and notice changes infeeding and caregiving routines.Young children can grieve deeply, eventhough they may not appear to be doingso. They don’t usually sustain strongemotions the way adults do. They mayvisit their concerns briefly, and then turnto play or schoolwork. This helps themavoid being overwhelmed, but doesn’tnecessarily mean their concerns havebeen addressed.Older children and teens may try tofocus their attention on schoolwork,sports, or hobbies. They may assumemore responsibilities at home by helpingtheir parents or other children in thefamily. Encourage your children tocontinue their friendships with peers andthe activities they enjoyed prior to thedeath. Even after the death of a familymember, it’s important for children tokeep being children.Here are some ways adult familymembers and friends can supportchildren over time.Help children preserve—and create—memories. Children sometimes worrythat they will forget the person who died,especially if they were quite young at thetime of the death. The entire family cankeep the person’s memory alive throughstories, pictures, and continued mentionof the person in everyday conversation.No child istoo young tobe affected bythe death ofsomeone close.Even infantsrespond toa death.Parents can model ways to talk aboutthe person who has died and makehis or her memory a part of holidaysand other special occasions. Findingways to recognize and remember whatwas valuable in the relationship withthe person who has died is part of thehealing process.Children often like to have physicalreminders of the person who has died.Some children want to carry a picture orobject that reminds them of their familymember or keep it in a special place inthe home. They may keep clothing ora pillow in their room that still has theperson’s scent on it.Parents have these feelings, too.Parents have many of these same feelings—guilt, anger, confusion,feeling needy or less comfortable doing things on their own. They oftenwant to keep their children nearby at these times, so they can be suretheir children are safe. They may look to their children to help themmake decisions or provide them with support.These are natural and appropriate feelings. But it’s also important forparents to step back when their children want or need to be more independent. This may happen soon after the death, or several weeks later.Parents also should be careful about giving children responsibilities thatwould be more appropriate for adults or about asking children to fill theroles of the adult who has died.15
Childrensometimesworry thatthey willforget theperson whohas died.Anticipate grief triggers. Memoriesand feelings of grief can be triggered byanniversaries or other important events.The first holiday after the death, the firstbirthday, the first day of school, a fatherdaughter dance—any of these mightbring up sudden and powerful feelingsof sadness.Everyday events can have an impactas well—a favorite song may come onthe radio, a favorite dish might be onthe menu at a restaurant, a child mightcome across an old card from the familymember who has died. These grieftriggers often catch people off guard.They can be troubling
Published by the New York Life Foundation, 51 Madison Avenue, New York, NY 10010. Email: NYLFoundation@newyorklife.com. This publication was supported by a generous grant from the New York Life Foundation. The information contained in this booklet is not intended as a substitute for
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We love, because He first loved us. 1 John 4:19 Just as the Father has loved Me, I have also loved you; abide in My love. John 15:9 "I love You, O LORD, my strength." Psalms 18:1 "I love those who love me; And those who diligently seek me will find me." Proverbs 8:17 This is My commandment, that you love one another, just as I have loved you .
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