THE HANGOVER Written By Jon Lucas & Scott Moore

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THE HANGOVERWritten byJon Lucas & Scott MooreSeptember 30, 2007

EXT. BEL AIR BAY CLUB -- PACIFIC PALISADES, CA -- MORNINGIt’s a beautiful spring morning in the Palisades. High atopthe cliffs, looking out over the Pacific Ocean, sits theexclusive BEL AIR BAY CLUB. Workers bustle about the lawn,setting up a high-end wedding.A STRING QUARTET warms up. A team of FLORISTS arrangecenterpieces. CATERERS set the white linen tables.INT. BRIDAL SUITE -- DAYA simple, classic wedding dress hangs on a closet door inthis sun-drenched bridal suite. Sitting at the makeup table,surrounded by her bridesmaids, is the beautiful bride, TRACYTURNER, 20’s. She’s busy doing her makeup.Just then, Tracy’s rich, stern FATHER, 50’s, blows in.MR. TURNERAny word from Doug?The way he spits out “Doug” tells us all we need to knowabout how Mr. Turner feels about his future son-in-law.TRACYNo, but I’m sure he’s-Just then, Tracy’s CELLPHONE rings. She quickly answers it.Hello?TRACY (CONT'D)INTERCUT WITH:EXT. MOJAVE DESERT -- MORNINGHeat-waves rise off the Mojave. Standing at a lone, dustcovered payphone in the middle of the desert isVICK LENNONHe’s in his late 20’s, tall, rugged -- and currently a mess.His shirt is ripped open, his aviator sunglasses are bent,his lip is bloodied, and he clearly hasn’t slept in days.VICKTracy, it’s Vick.Parked on the dirt road behind Vick is his near-totalled 1967Cadillac Deville convertible; it’s scratched, dented, filthy - and missing its passenger side door.Slouched inside are TWO OTHER GUYS, also looking like hell.

2.Hey Vick!TRACYVICKListen, honey.The bachelor partygot a little out of control and,well.we lost Doug.TRACY(her jaw dropping)What?! But we’re getting married inlike four hours!Vick squints at the rising sun.VICKYeah, that’s not gonna happen.CUT TO:TITLE OVER BLACK: 40 HOURS EARLIERCUT TO:EXT. THE 10 FREEWAY -- DAYThe top down, The Who’s “Baba O’Riley” blasting from thestereo, Vick’s pristine Cadillac convertible rockets downHighway 10 towards Nevada.At the wheel is Vick, looking as sharp as his Caddy in a halfopen shirt and mint condition aviators.Sitting shotgun is the groom, DOUG BILLINGS, late 20’s,handsome, barefoot, crunchy -- an all around great guy.Behind Vick sits ALAN MERVISH, late 20’s, an anal taxattorney from Connecticut, his Izod shirt tucked into hiskhakis. He’s currently applying sun screen to his forehead.Next to Alan is STU PRYCE, late 20’s, former high schoollinebacker and lovably dimwitted father of two. He drums theback of the frontseat to the music, totally pumped, like thisis his first time out of the house in years. Because it is.STUDude this is already the bestweekend ever!VICKStu, relax, we’re still on the 10.

3.STUOh, did I show you pictures of mykids?!DOUGNo, dude, show ‘em.Stu fishes pictures out of his wallet and eagerly shows themto Doug in the front seat. Doug is clearly the core of thisgroup, the glue that holds these childhood friends together.STUHaylee is two, and Kaitlin isalready four! Can you believe it?!DOUG(smiling at photos)How cute. Good for you, man.Doug shows the photos to Vick; he nods, impressed.VICKThe one on the left is gonna be ahottie. The other one, not so much.Stu protectively snatches the photos back, muttering:STUJesus, dude, those are my children-ALAN(re: sunscreen)Hey, am I rubbed in?Stu glances over and sees un-rubbed-in sunscreen all overAlan’s face.STUYeah, you’re good.DOUGHey so Alan, are you and Beckystill together?But before Alan can answer-VICKOf course they are, Doug. Jesus,Alan’s been dating Becky for 14years. When they first met, Alanhad braces and soccer hair, andBecky had a functioning hymen.(MORE)

4.VICK (CONT'D)Asking Alan if he’s still withBecky is like asking the sun if itstill rises in the east.The guys try not to laugh; Alan scowls.DOUGShe still pressuring you to getmarried?ALANEnh, we’ve moved past the pressurestage.it’s more like aggravatedassault stage now? Like at the lastwedding we went to, she threw acamera at my head, called me acloset fag, then ran out crying.The guys wince, oooo.ALAN (CONT'D)But we talked, and everything’scool now.STUMaybe you could wear a helmet toDoug’s wedding.ALANGreat idea, Stu. Thanks.DOUG(laughing)So Vick, how’s business going?VICKOh, great. Yeah, I’m working onbringing the next big dessert crazeto Los Angeles. It’s gonna be huge.DOUGWhat is it?VICKBavarian custard. We ran thenumbers, and it’s gonna be biggerthan fro yo.Doug and Stu nod, impressed; only Alan looks skeptical.ALANIsn’t custard like a trillioncalories--?

5.VICKOur plan is to open three stores inthe Valley and then franchise it.Shares are selling fast, but I canprobably squeeze you guys in.DOUGYeah, man, count me in.STUMe too, man! I love pudding!Alan just shakes his head, unbelievable.ALANIs this gonna do better than thehip-hop label you started, Vick? Orthe topless sushi bar? Or themobile tattoo parlor--?VICKTattoo-To-You was an idea ahead ofit’s time, Alan! And don’t comecrying to me when there’s a CustardCabana on every street corner inAmerica and you didn’t buy in--!DOUG(laughing)All right, all right, save it forthe party.Vick and Alan quiet. Stu is still drumming the seat.STUDude! I can’t believe I get toparty all night, and then, tomorrow.I get to sleep in! It’s almosttoo much! And FYI, if anyone getsreally drunk and craps themself,just let me know, I can have youcleaned up and partying again inunder three minutes. No joke. I ama master of stool removal.They rocket off into the desert, LAUGHING.CUT TO:TITLE CARD: “FRIDAY, 5:12 PM”

6.EXT. LAS VEGAS -- MAGIC HOURAs the last rays of sun fade, the Cadillac crests the finalhill to reveal LAS VEGAS in all its illuminated splendor.EXT. LAS VEGAS BLVD. -- SUNSETThe Caddy rolls down the famed Strip. We are again remindedof the absurd scale of Las Vegas. The 5,000 room hotels, theeight lane roads, the 60 foot billboards.EXT. MANDALAY BAY -- NIGHTThe Caddy rolls up to the Mandalay Bay. The guys hop out,exhilarated. Vick throws the key to the VALET.INT. MANDALAY BAY -- NIGHTThe guys enter the glittering casino four men-wide, allsmiling, all exuding vibe. Passing WOMEN sneak glances. Vickslides a drink off a nearby waitress’s tray as they make forTHE FRONT DESKA perfectly pressed LEBANESE MAN waits behind the front desk.Vick strides up, smiling, sunglasses still on.FRONT DESK MANWelcome to the Mandalay Bay.VICKChecking in. Lennon comma Victor.The man types into his computer.FRONT DESK MANYes, we have you down for a onenight stay in an economy suite-Vick glances at the man’s nametag; it reads “ATASHIR.”VICKHold it right there, Atashir. Thisis my best friend from childhood,Douglas Billings. In two days, heis to marry a woman of great beautyand strong teeth, do youunderstand? A woman of giganticbosoms who will give him many, manysons.Atashir looks confused. Alan looks embarrassed.

7.VICK (CONT'D)My two other childhood friends havetravelled great distances, acrossmany deserts, to be here. Thisisn’t a night in a hotel for us,Atashir: this is a family reunion.Perhaps you too have familysituated great distances away, in aforeign country with much sand?Atashir looks like, sort of.? Vick reaches over the counterand touches his arm, simpatico.VICK (CONT'D)Then I have but one question foryou, friend: if they came to town,would you put them in an economysuite?No, sir.ATASHIRVICKWell, then. I think one of us needsto get back on his little computerand find us a suitable room.Atashir frowns.but types away at his computer.ATASHIRAll the deluxe rooms are taken. TheDean Martin suite is available, butI’d have to ask my-VICKDean-o will be fine. Send up a caseof Cristal, two bottles of Patron,four ahi sandwiches, and a crate ofskinless mangos.Vick turns to the guys:VICK (CONT'D)You guys want anything?The guys stammer, too stunned to speak.VICK (CONT'D)And have Jean-Marie cook up a dozenof those duck skewers I like sowell. He knows the ones.ATASHIRAnd how would you like to pay?

8.VICKAmerican Express.Atashir looks up to accept the card. After a beat, Vick turnsto Alan:VICK (CONT'D)Dude, give him your AmEx.What?ALANVICKDon’t worry, we’ll hit you later.Alan stammers.VICK (CONT’D)Dude, come on, I paid for gas. Stopbeing such a Jew.Alan stammers some more -- then angrily pulls out his card.CUT TO:INT. THE DEAN MARTIN SUITE -- NIGHTThe guys enter the room, jostling; Stu has Doug in aheadlock. Then they freeze: the Dean Martin Suite is massive,complete with lounge area, two flat screen TVs, full bar andmultiple bedrooms. The guys just gape.STUThis is bigger than my house.Vick blows past them, totally unfazed.VICKGet dressed, ladies. We’re wheelsup in ten.Stu and Doug race off to find their bedrooms, leaving Alanstanding alone, just staring at the decadent suite.ALANI am so not getting paid back.INT. DEAN MARTIN SUITE -- MASTER BEDROOM -- NIGHTVick enters the bedroom, drops his bag, and starts changinghis shirt -- when his cell phone RINGS. He answers.VICKThis is Vick.

9.Vick listens -- then grows a bit panicked:VICK (CONT'D)He’s in Vegas?! You’re kidding me!(wincing)All right, I’ll get it. All right.All right--!When Stu walks past, Vick turns away and covers the phone,trying to keep the call confidential:VICK (CONT’D)I said all right, dude! How manymore times you want me to say allright?!(beat)All right. All right.Vick hangs up, looking uncharacteristically stressed.INT. THE DEAN MARTIN SUITE -- BATHROOM -- SAMEDoug brushes his teeth while, at the next sink over, Alanselects a facial wash from his highly organized toiletrieskit and begins washing his face.ALANSo, you ready for Sunday?DOUGYeah. I thought I’d be nervous, butI’m actually just really psyched.Alan nods, impressed.ALANTracy’s dad still hate you?Oh yeah.DOUGALANAny closer to figuring out why?DOUGEnh, I think he wanted more for hisgirl. I mean, I’m a teacher whomakes 45 grand a year, and he’s atitan of industry who makes 45grand a day, you know? I sort ofget it.(beat, brushing teeth)Also, I’m banging his daughter. I’mnot sure you ever get past that.

10.Alan smiles, yeah, there’s that. Doug spits out his paste.DOUG (CONT'D)You got floss?Alan gestures towards his toiletries kit. Doug picks it up,starts looking for the floss. Then Alan remembers something -but it’s too late. Doug has found the RING BOX inside Alan’skit, and opened it to reveal a HUGE DIAMOND ENGAGEMENT RING.DOUG (CONT'D)Holy Christ!Alan quickly reaches for the ring-ALANAhhh yeah, I wasn’t going to tellanyone about that-Just then, Stu wanders in, wearing only his COLORADO STATEBOXER SHORTS. His gut is sizable.STUAnyone got any nipple lube--?(seeing ring)Jesus would you look at the size ofthat thing?!Stu grabs the ring from Doug.DOUGIt’s Alan’s. For Becky.STUJesus, who made this thing? Diddy?ALAN(clutching for ring)Actually, I-I was trying to keep ita secret, so-Just then Vick blows in, singing, effeminate:VICKBoy Party in the bathrooooom--!(sees ring, snags it)Miner’s cut, 2.6 Carats, slightpink tint, street value: 26, 27K.Vick studies it in the light. Alan just rubs his temples.STUDude, it’s for Becky! Alan’sfinally going to propose!

11.VICKWell gosh-golly, Alan Mervish, goodfor you! Where’d you get the ring?ALANOh, it’s a family heirloom. Mygrandmother smuggled it through theHolocaust, actually. I was going topropose to Beck this weekend.Doug throws his arm around Alan, happy for him.DOUGWell: now we have two things tocelebrate!CUT TO:TITLE CARD: “FRIDAY, 6:10 PM”EXT. MANDALAY BAY ROOFTOP -- NIGHTThe guys, dressed to the nines, open the steel rooftop doorand file out onto the flat tar roof of the Mandalay Bay; Vickis carrying a bottle of Patron and four hotel glasses.Bringing up the rear, Alan slides a wood block between thedoor and the frame so they aren’t locked up here.The guys step out onto the dark, windy roof and take in thestunning panorama.the Strip.the mountains.the countlessstars. It’s breathtaking.STUThish is so great! I love you guys!VICKCheck it out, Stu’s already wasted.Vick starts refilling everyone’s glasses.ALANWe’ve only had two shots, man!DOUGYeah, what happened, Stuey?! Youused to be able to drink us allunder the table!STUDude, I’m a dad! I don’t have timeto get plastered anymore! It blows!(quickly)Am I a bad dad for saying that?

12.What? No!DOUGSTUBecause my dad was a bad dad.DOUG(patting his shoulder)That’s true, Stuey, but you’redifferent. We’ve talked about this.Stu just stares at the guys, glassy-eyed. Beat.STUHave I showed you guys pictures ofmy kids yet--?YES!ALAN & DOUG & VICKDoug laughs and raises his glass for a toast, heartfelt:DOUGLittle toast: to Tracy, thecoolest, kindest, most beautifulwoman I’ve ever met. I can’tbelieve she let me come thisweekend -- much less agreed tospend the rest of her life with me.I think both will prove to bemassive errors of judgement on herpart.The guys chuckle, hear-hear.DOUG (CONT’D)And to being here, with my bestfriends in the world. There’snowhere else I’d rather be.The guys raise their glasses, touched.DOUG (CONT'D)That said, let's not get too stupidtonight, okay? I’m getting marriedin 36 hours.ALAN & STU & VICKNo, no. / We’ll be good. / Totally,dude.Doug lowers his glass, laughing, completely unconvinced.

13.DOUGI’m serious, dudes! Nothing abovethe neck -- no piercings, no weirdhaircuts, no facial tattoos. Igotta look decent on Sunday.VICKJesus, what do you take us for?DOUGVick: you shaved Alan’s eyebrowsoff the night before graduation!STUOh yeah! That was hilarious! Andremember when I blacked out atHomecoming and you wrote on my facewith permanent marker?! That wasawesome! What’d you write again?ALAN & DOUG & VICK“Respect me!”They all laugh. Stu throws his arm around Doug, nostalgic.STUAhh, good times, man. Good times.VICKWe’ll be good tonight, Doug.ALANSeriously, man, we’re your friends.STUYeah, we’ve totally grown up sincethen.Doug looks at them, highly dubious, then hoists his glass.DOUGWell then.to a night we’ll neverforget.They CLINK glasses, shoot their shots, andSMASH CUT TO:THE NEXT MORNINGShafts of white desert sunlight pour into

14.THE DEAN MARTIN SUITETHE CAMERA follows a LIVE CHICKEN as it walks through thetotalled suite.Furniture is broken, the minibar ransacked, and the floor iscovered with remnants of the night before: empty beer cans,platefuls of room service food, a cowboy hat, the GideonBible, half-eaten skinless mangos, a bra, a battle axe, etc.SNORING on the couch, wearing only his jeans and one shoe,the word ASSHOLE written in Sharpie across his chest, is Stu.TITLE CARD: “SATURDAY, 11:15AM”The chicken struts across the top of the couch, until itreaches a plastic coin cup from Bellagio blocking its path.Beat. Then the chicken pecks it off.onto Stu.The cup hits Stu in the face, and stale beer splashes allover him. Stu spastically jerks awake and flips off thecouch, onto a pile of newspapers.PILE OF NEWSPAPERSOWW! Get off! Get off! Jesus!Confused, Stu clambers off the pile of newspapers -- to findVick sleeping underneath, on the floor, fully dressed. Vickpulls himself onto the couch, clearly in pain.VICKDamn, dude, why are you retarded?Both men are ragingly hungover.A long beat as both of them rub their faces, then:Um, Stuey?Yo.VICK (CONT'D)STUVICKWhy do you have a mullet?Stu does, in fact, have a mullet haircut. But he’s toohungover to understand.What?STU

15.VICKYou know, business on top, partydown the back?Stu still looks confused. This is excruciating for Vick.VICK (CONT'D)Your hair, dude. You have a mullet.Stu touches his hair. Then he stumbles into the bathroom.After a beat, we hear his voice:STU (O.S.)Dude.I have a mullet.Then we hear ALAN’S VOICE in the bathroom, groggy:ALAN (O.S.)Just give me ten more minutes,Beck.STU (O.S.)Whoa, did you sleep in the tub?Beat, then Stu pokes his head out of the bathroom.STU (CONT'D)Check it out: Alan slept in thetub.VICKGet him up. I’m hungry.Stu disappears back into the bathroom. We hear the SHOWERturn on. Beat. Then we hear Alan slowly awaken:ALAN (O.S.)Wet. Water. Jesus, what’s--?!There’s a THUD as Alan falls out of tub. Beat.Then Stu and a very confused, very hungover, very wet Alanstumble out of the bathroom.Alan appears to be wearing his polo shirt from the nightbefore. Only, as we PULL BACK, we see that his shirt is cutoff at his chest -- he’s naked from there down.VICKJesus, dude, put away your sack.Alan looks down at his hairy nakedness, totally bewildered.

16.STUYeah, and it might be time for somemanscaping, bro. Your bush lookslike Yanni.Alan looks back up again, squinting, hungover.ALANWhat did we do last night?CUT TO:INT. HALLWAY -- MOMENTS LATERThe guys, now dressed, stagger out of their suite momentslater. Stu walks incredibly bow-legged, like an aging cowboy.STUDude, why is my ass killing me.?INT. ELEVATOR -- MOMENTS LATERLooking like crap, the guys silently descend in the elevator.BING! The elevator opens to expose a NICE-LOOKING COUPLEwaiting to get on. They see the guys and immediately stepaway from the elevator.MANWe’ll.we’ll get the next one.The doors close. The guys continue to descend. Beat.VICKWe might not smell very good.The guys shake their heads, yeah, no.DISSOLVE TO:INT. MANDALAY BAY -- BREAKFAST BUFFET -- DAYThe guys slouch in a booth, shoveling masses of buffet foodinto their mouths, washing it down with huge mugs of coffee.STUThis might be the worst hangoveranyone has ever had, ever.ALANI can’t taste anything.

17.VICKPlease stop talking. If I don’tfocus on eating I’m going to throwup all over myself.The guys nod, right. They keep eating. After a long while:ALANHey. Are we missing something?The guys all slowly look around. Then Stu points at Alan:STUYes: I left my hat in the room -thank you, Alan.They continue eating. Alan looks up again, still troubled.ALANNo. That’s not it. There’ssomething else.Vick nods at Stu as he stuffs food in his mouth.VICKYou gonna finish that cruller?Stu shakes his head, no. Vick takes it, packs it into hisalready stuffed mouth. Then Alan realizes:ALANDoug. Guys, where’s Doug?The guys look around. Hunh.STUYeah. He’s not here.VICKProbably left him in the room.Vick pulls out his cell phone, starts dialing.VICK (CONT'D)I’ll call his cell.Then a phone RINGS in Stu’s pocket. He answers:STUGood morning, this is Stu?VICKIt’s me, meatdick.

18.STU(to Alan, concerned)It’s Vick-Then Stu realizes. Oh.STU (CONT'D)This is Doug’s phone.Vick nods, ya. He’s already dialing another number.ALANYou calling the room?Vick nods, uh-huh. He lets it ring, rubbing his temples. Thenhe hangs up.No answer.VICKVick goes back to eating. Alan frowns.ALANUmmm.shouldn’t we look for him?Check-out is in like ten minutes.STUYeah, and we told Tracy we’d haveDoug back to LA by five.Vick just looks at both of them, his mouth full of food:VICKI’m eabing.ALANWhat an asshole. Stu, check thepool and the casino, I’ll check theroom and the gym. Maybe he’sworking out or something.Stu nods, and they slowly slide out of the booth.ALAN (CONT'D)And Vick, if you could keep a closeeye on the buffet, that’d be reallyhelpful. Thanks, man.Alan and Stu saunter off. Vick yells after them, mouth full:VICKHE’S FIME! YOU’RE OBERWEACTING!

19.Vick scowls, and angrily takes Alan’s last cruller.CUT TO:INT. DEAN MARTIN SUITE -- MOMENTS LATERAlan weaves through the totalled suite, half-awake.ALANDoug.? Doug.? Wake up, man.Alan enters the bedroom where Doug slept, and stops. It takeshim a second to realize what’s wrong:THE BED IS MISSINGThere are four indentations on the carpet where it once lay.Alan scratches his head.ALANThat’s weird.CUT TO:EXT. MANDALAY BAY -- POOL -- DAYStu, walking bow-legged, squinting painfully in the brightsun, tries to inspect everyone lying around the huge pool.Doug? Doug? Several HOT WOMEN in bikinis sit up, disgusted!STUNo, no. It’s cool, I’m a dad. It’stotally cool.CUT TO:INT. GYM -- DAYAlan stumbles through the gym, looking for Doug. The place ispacked with fit people, working out. Alan mumbles to himself:ALANI hate you all.CUT TO:INT. CASINO FLOOR -- NICKEL SLOTSStu wanders through the casino, calling out, incredibly loud:STUDOUG! DOUG!Two GAY MEN in identical tank tops pass by, holding hands.

20.Hey Stu.GAY MANSTUHey guys. DOUG! DOUG--!Then Stu registers what just happened. He stops and turnsaround -- enh? -- but the gay men are gone.Before he can comment, however, he sees Vick and Alantalking to Atashir atTHE RECEPTION DESKHe slowly bow-legs himself over.STUYou find Doug?ALANNo, I assume you didn’t either?Stu shakes his head, no. Then Atashir hangs up his phone.ATASHIRThere is no Doug Billings at any ofthe area hospitals, morgues, orpolice stations.The guys frown, starting to grow worried.STUMaybe he went for a jog?ALANDude. It’s 120 degrees outside.STUOr shopping?The guys just look at him like: you’re an idiot.ALANGreat. So we’ve officially lostDoug. His wedding is in what, 22hours?VICKRelax, it’s Doug, he’s probablycrashed out on someone’s couchright now. All we have to do isretrace our steps from last night,and we’ll find him.

21.ALANOkay, so last night.The guys wince, trying to remember. It’s painful to think.VICKWell, we started on the roof.ALANRight, that was like, 6ish.?VICKThen.I think.we had steaks atthe Palm?ALANYeah. Then.we played craps at theHard Rock.maybe?VICKThat sounds right.Stu throws up his arms, already giving up.STUOkay, honestly? I don’t evenremember going to dinner.VICKI vaguely recall.doing body shots.at some point? Is that.maybe?ALANI’m pretty much blank after TheHard Rock.VICKI think we went to the Flamingoafter that.? And then, I justremember a lot of blue light.andthe overpowering smell of baby oil.ALANSo that was what, 10ish?VICKGive or take.STUWas Doug still with us?Vick rubs his temples, trying to fight through the hangover.

22.VICKYes. Yes. Doug was with us. Itackled him.for some reason.The guys nod, okay, okay.ALANOkay. So we only have a 13 hourwindow where we could’ve lost him.They guys frown. Shit. Stu puts his hands into his pockets,thinking. Then he feels something. A matchbook.He pulls it out. It’s from The Flamingo Nightclub.STUHey! Look, we were at the Flamingo.A long beat of silence.Then the guys hurry to an empty BLACKJACK TABLE and startemptying their pockets of the detritus from the night before.They find matchbooks, receipts, room keys, a valet ticket.ALANATM receipt from the Rio at 10:37-(reading it)For 600 dollars?!VICKThe valet ticket says we returnedhere at 4:57AM.STUWe drove last night?The guys wince, jesus.ALANHere’s a receipt from Sbarro. Themeal was comped for some reason-VICKWhy do we have a matchbook from TheGolden Pony All Male Revue?The guys exchange a look, alarmed.ALANSomeone could’ve given that to us.

23.STU(laughing, nervous)Yeah, totally! There’s no way wewent there! We’re not gay! Hahaha!They frown, then stare at all the clues lined up on theblackjack table.ALANI think we should call Tracy.VICKAbsolutely not.ALANWhat if Doug called her? She mightknow where he is.Stu shifts uncomfortably, tenderly adjusting his ass.STUYeah, I’m with Alan on this one.VICKOf course you’re with Alan, you’reboth gutless cowards. But we’re notcalling Tracy. You never call thebride from the bachelor party.Ever. If my balls were on fire andTracy was sitting next door with atall glass of water, I stillwouldn’t call her. It’s a rule.ALANBut shouldn’t we at least tell herwe’re gonna be getting home late?VICKShe has a watch, she’ll figure itout.ALANI think I’m beginning to see whyyou’re always single.VICKAnd I think I’m beginning to seewhy you’re always a douche-STU(clutching his ass)Guys, wait. I need your help -- ohmy God -- like right now. Come on.

24.ALANJesus, what is it?CUT TO:INT. BATHROOM -- MOMENTS LATERVick and Alan unhappily stand in the lavish, gold-ensconsedmen’s room, watching Stu painfully undo his jeans.VICKI can’t believe we’re doing this.STUYou don’t have to look up my butt,just at it. Something is terribly,terribly wrong.Stu’s jeans fall to the ground -- and everyone freezes.He’s wearing a snug FLUORESCENT PINK G-STRING with “I ROGER” written vertically down the front. In glitter.ALANSweet mother of mercy.VICKWho’s Roger?STUI-I-I don’t know?! What do youthink it means?!VICKWhat do I think it means? Well,Stuart, your ass is all torn up andyou’re wearing thong underweardeclaring your love for anotherdude -- I don’t think we need theCSI team for this one! You gotreamed last night, man!Stu covers his mouth, horrified!ALANI’m sure there’s a perfectlylogical explanation for this.STUReally?! What?!Alan tries to think of one.

25.ALANYeah, maybe there isn’t.VICKLook, I’m sure Roger is a verynice, considerate young man-STUOh my God, guys: what if I’m gay?!VICKCome on, Stu, you’re nowhere nearcool enough.STU(gasping, realizing)I do watch Dancing With The Starswith the kids!ALANOh god, that doesn’t mean you’regay.VICKBut sort of.it does?Stu grows increasingly frantic.STUAnd once, I caught myself gazing ata topless photo of David Beckham!ALANSo what, he’s a great-looking dude-STUAnd then I had those weird feelingsfor Vick that time in middleschool, remember?!Everyone stops. Vick most of all.Um, what?VICKSTUYeah, that weekend we were allcamping -- I told you this.VICKYeah, no you didn’t.I didn’t?STU

26.VICKI think I’d remember, dude.ALANYeah, I think we’d all remember.STUYeah. I had weird feelings for youthat weekend. Like really hot,really gay feelings. But then theywent away.Vick is just looking at him, stunned.ALANWait -- I was there that weekend.Did you have gay feelings for me?VICKUnbelievable.ALANWhat?! I was a good-looking kid!VICKPlease, you’re so not his type!STUWait, what?Just then, a FATHER and his YOUNG SON enter the men’s roomand see Stu standing there, pants down, in his G string.VICKLook, Stu, one homosexualexperience doesn’t mean you’repermanently gay, okay? A lot ofguys test the waters.the FATHER and SON wheel right back around and exit.ALANAll right, we’re scaring thechildren. Let’s go.The guys head for the door. Stu quickly pulls up his pants.STUWait -- so have either of youtested the waters?VICKNo! We’re not gay!

27.Stu looks highly confused as he follows them out ontoTHE CASINO FLOORThe guys power through the crowded casino, towards the exit.Stu tries to keep up, genuinely concerned.STUHow am I going to tell my wife?VICKQuickly, and from a great distance.Alan’s hand accidentally hits a brass railing and CLINKS.STUJesus, what kind of father am I?Alan’s hand CLINKS against the railing again, and this timeit registers. Alan looks down -- and stops cold.Oh my God.ALANSTU(really scared)You think Erin will try to take thekids--?ALANOh.my.God.VICK(turning, annoyed)What now?Alan holds up the source of his CLINKING: on his ring fingeris a huge, tacky, silver WEDDING RING with a unicorn on it.STU(not getting it)Cool ring. Also, my Dad is gonnahave a field day with this.Vick, however, recognizes the implications of the ring, andstarts back towards Alan.VICKOh my God. Oh my God.STUWhat’s the big--?(finally realizing)Oh! OH! OH!

28.Alan steadies himself against a SLOT MACHINE, and shakilytakes off the massive unicorn ring.STU (CONT'D)Maybe it’s not a wedding ring?ALAN(reading inscription)“To My Noble Husband, Alan.”The guys eyes bulge, oh shit!STUThis is worse than my underwear!Vick takes the ring and reads the rest of the inscription:VICK“Now & Forever Wedding Chapel.”They guys exchange a look.VICK (CONT'D)Well, at least it’s a lead.Beat. Then Alan turns and THROWS UP all over the slotmachine. Nearby OCTOGENARIAN SLOT PLAYERS look over,disgusted -- but continue playing their nickels.CUT TO:EXT. MANDALAY BAY -- VALET STAND -- DAYThe three guys exit the hotel looking like crap. Vick handshis ticket to the valet. Alan chews mint gum.VICKSo, we go to the wedding chapel, wefind out what we did with Doug, werecover him, and we’re back in LAbefore sundown. Easy as Stu’s ass.No one laughs. Tense SILENCE as they wait for the car.STUCheck it out, some idiot threw hisbed out the window last night.Stu points over at a huge stone GRIFFIN in front of the hotelwith an ENTIRE BED impaled upon its ear.ALANThat was us, dude.

29.Really?STUALANYeah, there’s no bed in Doug’sroom.STU(frowning)Oh. Well, I’m sure we had a goodreason for doing it.(beat)You think they’ll charge us for--?ALANYeah, Stu, I really do.VICKGuys, relax. Everything’s gonna becool.Just then the Valet drives up inVICK’S DESTROYED CADILLACThe exterior is scratched and filthy, like it’s been offroading. The hubcaps are gone, as is the front passenger sidedoor. A wisp of STEAM trails up from under the hood.The guys just stand there, agape.STUYou okay, Vick?VICKI’m not emotionally prepared totalk about it just yet, Stuart, butthank you.Vick dons his sunglasses and heads for his destroyed car.DISSOLVE TO:THE GUYS ROLLING DOWN THE STRIPin their ridiculous car. Cars full of FAMILIES, cute GIRLS,even NUNS, point and stare. Our guys just face forward, eachquietly suffering in their own personal Hell.ALANSeriously: what am I gonna tellBecky? For 14 years she’s beenbegging me to get married.

30.VICKWell, now you did. Just not to her.Alan glowers at the city going by. Then he sits up-ALANWait, is that homeless guy wearingDoug’s shirt?The guys turn to see a HOMELESS GUY weaving down the sidewalkin Doug’s DISTINCTIVE ORANGE SHIRT from the night before.Once they pass, the guys exchange a look.Naaah.STUVICKYeah, that was a different shirt.Alan doesn’t look so sure. They drive in silence. Then:Left turn.VICK (CONT'D)Stu, sitting shotgun, braces against the empty doorframe soas not to fall out of the car as they turn left.EXT. NOW & FOREVER WEDDING CHAPEL -- DAYSitting in an East Vegas strip mall, sandwiched between alaundromat and a pawn shop, is the pink Now & Forever WeddingChapel. The Cadillac parks in the lot out front.INT. NOW & FOREVER WEDDING CHAPEL -- DAYEverything

A simple, classic wedding dress hangs on a closet door in this sun-drenched bridal suite. Sitting at the makeup table, surrounded by her bridesmaids, is the beautiful bride, TRACY TURNER, 20’s. She’s busy doing her makeu

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