Seven Challenges - Communication Skills Resources
Page 1-1THE SEVEN CHALLENGES WORKBOOK -- WWW.NEWCONVERSATIONS.NETChallenge One: Deep ListeningEMPATHY IN ACTION -- LISTENING MORE CAREFULLY AND RESPONSIVELYListenfirst and acknowledge what you hear, even if youdon’t agree with it, before expressing yourexperience or point of view. In order to get moreof your conversation partner’s attention in tensesituations, pay attention first: listen and give abrief restatement of what you have heard(especially feelings) before you express your ownneeds or position.The kind of listeningrecommended here separates acknowledgingfrom approving or agreeing. 6 Acknowledgingan-other person’s thoughts and feelings does nothave to mean that you approve of or agree withthat person’s actions or way of experiencing, orthat you will do whatever someone asks.them, and they may not be very good at asking forconfirmation. When a conversation is tense ordifficult it is even more important to listen firstand acknowledge what you hear. Otherwise, yourchances of being heard by the other person may bevery poor.Listening to others helps others to listen. Inlearning to better coordinate our life activitieswith the life activities of others, we would do wellto resist two very popular (but terrible) models ofcommunication: arguing a case in court anddebating. 7 In courts and debates, each side tries tomake its own points and listens to the other sideonly to tear down the other side’s points. Sincethe debaters and attorneys rarely have to reachagreement or get anything done together, itdoesn’t seem to matter how much ill will theirconversational style generates. But most of us arein a very different situation. We probably spendmost of our lives trying to arrange agreement andcooperative action, so we need to be concernedabout engaging people, not defeating them. Inbusiness (and in family life, too) the person wedefeat today will probably be the person whosecooperation we need tomorrow! 8Challenge One -- ListeningWhen people are upset about something andwant to talk about it, their capacity to listen isgreatly diminished. Trying to get your pointacross to a person who is trying to express astrong feeling will usually cause the other personto try even harder to get that emotion recognized.On the other hand, once people feel that theirmessages and feelings have been heard, they startto relax and they have more attention available forlistening. As Marshall Rosenberg reports in hisbook, Nonviolent Communication, “Studies inSUMMARY(repeated from Introduction)By listening and then repeating back in yourown words the essence and feeling of what youhave just heard, from the speaker’s point of view,you allow the speaker to feel the satisfaction ofbeing under-stood, (a major human need).Listening responsively is always worthwhile as away of letting people know that you care aboutthem.Our conversation partners do notautomatically know how well we have understood6While at least some people have probably beenlistening in this compassionate way over the centuries, itwas the late psychologist Carl Rogers who, perhaps morethan any other person, advocated and championed thisaccepting way of being with another person. For asummary of his work see, On Becoming a Person: ATherapist’s View of Psychotherapy. Boston: HoughtonMifflin. 1995.7For a sobering and inspiring book on this issue, seeDeborah Tannen, The Argument Culture: Moving FromDebate to Dialogue. New York: Random House. 1998.8The now classic work on cooperative negotiation,that includes a strong emphasis on empathic listening, isGetting to Yes: Negotiating Agreement Without Giving In(2nd ed.) by Roger Fisher, William Ury and BrucePatton. New York: Penguin Books. 1991.Creative Commons: This page/workbook may be copied/reproduced. Free PDF e-book copies available at http://www.newconversations.net/workbook/Order printed copies at http://www.NewConversations.net/orderbook/ More communication skills online resources: http://www.NewConversations.net
Page 1-2 -- Challenge One: Listening More Carefully & Responsivelylabor-management negotiations demonstrate thatthe time required to reach conflict resolution is cutin half when each negotiator agrees, beforeresponding, to repeat what the previous speakerhad said.” 9 (my emphasis)For example, in a hospital a nurse might say,after listening to a patient:“I hear that you are very uncomfortable rightnow, Susan, and you would really like to get outof that bed and move around. But your doctorsays your bones won’t heal unless you stay putfor another week.”The patient in this example is much more likely tolisten to the nurse than if the nurse simply said:“I’m really sorry, Susan, but you have to stay inbed. Your doctor says your bones won’t healunless you stay put for another week.”What is missing in this second version is anyacknowledgment of the patient’s presentexperience.The power of simple acknowledging. Thepractice of responsive listening described hereseparates acknowledging the thoughts andfeelings that a person expresses from ging another person’s thoughts andfeelings. still leaves you the option ofagreeing or disagreeing with thatperson’s point of view, actions orway of experiencing. still leaves you with the option ofsaying yes or no to a request. still leaves you with the option ofsaying more about the matter beingdiscussed.One recurring problem in conflict situations isthat many people don’t separate acknowledgingfrom agreeing. They are joined together inpeople’s minds, somewhat like a two-boxes-ofsoap “package deal” in a supermarket. The effect9Marshall B. Rosenberg, Nonviolent Communication:A Language of Compassion. Del Mar, CA: PuddleDancerPress. 1999.of this is, let us say, that John feels that anyacknowledgment of Fred’s experience impliesagreement and approval, therefore John will notacknowledge any of Fred’s experience. Fred triesharder to be heard and John tries harder not tohear. Of course, this is a recipe for stalemate (ifnot disaster).People want both: to be understood andacknowledged on the one hand, and to beapproved and agreed with, on the other. Withpractice, you can learn to respond first with asimple acknowledgment. As you do this, you mayfind that, figuratively speaking, you can give yourconversation partners half of what they want, evenif you can’t give them all of what they want. Inmany conflict situations that will be a giant stepforward. Your conversation partners will also bemore likely to acknowledge your position andexperience, even if they don’t sympathize withyou. This mutual acknowledgment can create anemotional atmosphere in which it is easier to worktowardagreementormoregracefullyaccommodate disagreements. Here are threeexamples of acknowledgments that do not implyagreement:Counselor to a drug abuse client: “I hearthat you are feeling terrible right nowand that you really want some drugs.And I want you to know that I’m stillconcerned this stuff you’re taking isgoing to kill you.”Mother to seven-year-old: “I know thatyou want some more cake and icecream, Jimmy, because it tastes sogood, but you’ve already had threepieces and I’m really worried thatyou’ll get an upset tummy. That’swhy I don’t want you to have anymore.”Union representative to companyowner’s representative: “I under-standfrom your presentation that you seeXYZ Company as short of cash,threatened by foreign competition,and not in a position to agree to anyCreative Commons: This page/workbook may be copied/reproduced. Free PDF e-book copies available at http://www.newconversations.net/workbook/Order printed copies at http://www.NewConversations.net/orderbook/ More communication skills online resources: http://www.NewConversations.net
Challenge One: Listening More Carefully & Responsively -- Page 1-3wage increases. Now I would like usto explore contract arrangements thatwould allow my union members to geta wage increase and XYZ Company toadvance its organizational goals.”In each case a person’s listening to andacknowledgment of his or her conversationpartner’s experience or position increases thechance that the conversation partner will bewilling to listen in turn. The examples givenabove are all a bitlong and include adeclaration of thelistener’s position ordecision. In manyconversationsyoumay simply want toreassureyourconversation partnerwith a word or twothat you have heardandunderstoodwhatever they areexperiencing. For example, saying, “You soundreally happy [or sad] about that,” etc.As you listen to the important people in yourlife, give very brief summaries of the experiencesthey are talking about and name the want orfeeling that appears to be at the heart of theexperience. For example:“So you were really happy about that.”“So you drove all the way over there andthey didn’t have the part they promisedyou on the phone. What a let-down.“Sounds like you wanted a big change inthat situation.”“Oh, no! Your dog got run over. Youmust be feeling really terrible.”The point here is to empathize, not to advise.If you added to that last statement, “That totalSLOB!!! You should sue that person who ranover your dog. People need to pay for theirmistakes, etc., etc., etc.”, you would be takingover the conversation and also leading the personaway from her or his feelings and toward yourown.Other suggestions about listening moreresponsively:As a general rule, do not just repeat anotherperson’s exact words.Summarize theirexperience in your own words. But in caseswhere people actually scream or shout something,sometimes you may want to repeat a few of theirexact words in a quiet tone of voice to let themknow that you have heard it just as they said it.If the emotion is unclear, make a tentativeguess, as in “So it sounds like maybe you were alittle unhappy about all that.” The speaker willusually correct your guess if it needs correcting.Listening is an art and there are very fewfixed rules. Pay attention to whether the personspeaking accepts your summary by saying thingssuch as “yeah!”, “you got it,” “that’s right,” andsimilar responses.If you can identify with what the otherperson is experiencing, then in your tone of voice(as you summarize what another person is goingthrough), express a little of the feeling that yourconversation partner is expressing. (Emotionallyflat summaries can feel strange and distant.)Such compassionate listening is a powerfulresource for navigating through life, and it alsomakes significant demands on us as listeners. Wemay need to learn how to hold our own groundwhile we restate someone else’s position. Thattakes practice. We also have to be able to listen topeople’s criticisms or complaints withoutbecoming disoriented or totally losing our sense ofself worth. That requires cultivating a deepersense of self worth, which is no small project. Inspite of these difficulties, the results ofcompassion-ate, responsive listening have been sorewarding in my life that I have found it to beworth all the effort required.Real life examples. Here are two brief, truestories about listening. The first is about listeninggoing well and the second is about the heavy pricepeople sometimes pay for not listening in anempathic way.Creative Commons: This page/workbook may be copied/reproduced. Free PDF e-book copies available at http://www.newconversations.net/workbook/Order printed copies at http://www.NewConversations.net/orderbook/ More communication skills online resources: http://www.NewConversations.net
Page 1-4 -- Challenge One: Listening More Carefully & ResponsivelyJohn Gottman describes his discovery thatlistening really works: “I remember the day Ifirst discovered how Emotion Coaching [theauthor’s approach to empathic listening] mightwork with my own daughter, Moriah. She wastwo at the time and we were on a cross-countryflight home after visiting with relatives. Bored,tired, and cranky, Moriah asked me for Zebra, herfavorite stuffed animal and comfort object.Unfortunately, we had absentmindedly packed thewell-worn critter in a suitcase that was checked atthe baggage counter.“I’m sorry, honey, but we can’t get Zebraright now. He’s in the big suitcase in another partof the airplane,” I explained. “I want Zebra,” shewhined pitifully.“I know, sweetheart. But Zebra isn’t here.He’s in the baggage compartment underneath theplane and Daddy can’t get him until we get off theplane. I’m sorry.”“I want Zebra! I want Zebra!” she moanedagain. Then she started to cry, twisting in hersafety seat and reaching futilely toward a bag onthe floor where she’d seen me go for snacks.“I know you want Zebra,” I said, feeling myblood pressure rise. “But he’s not in that bag.He’s not here and I can’t do anything about it.Look, why don’t we read about Ernie,” I said,fumbling for one of her favorite picture books.“Not Ernie!” she wailed, angry now.want Zebra. I want him NOW!”“IBy now, I was getting “do something” looksfrom the passengers, from the airline attendants,from my wife, seated across the aisle. I looked atMoriah’s face, red with anger, and imagined howfrustrated she must feel. After all, wasn’t I theguy who could whip up a peanut butter sandwichon demand? Make huge purple dinosaurs appearwith the flip of a TV switch? Why was Iwithholding her favorite toy from her? Didn’t Iunderstand how much she wanted it?I felt bad. Then it dawned on me: I couldn’tget Zebra, but I could offer her the next best thing-- a father’s comfort. “You wish you had Zebranow,” I said to her. “Yeah,” she said sadly.“And you’re angry because we can’t get himfor you.”“Yeah.”“You wish you could have Zebra rightnow,” I repeated, as she stared at me, lookingrather curious, almost surprised. “Yeah,” shemuttered. “I want him now.”“You’re tired now, and smelling Zebra andcuddling with him would feel real good. I wishwe had Zebra here so you could hold him. Evenbetter, I wish we could get out of these seats andfind a big, soft bed full of all your animals andpillows where we could just lie down.” “Yeah,”she agreed.“We can’t get Zebra because he’s in anotherpart of the airplane,” I said. “That makes you feelfrustrated.” “Yeah,” she said with a sigh.“I’m so sorry,” I said, watching the tensionleave her face. She rested her head against theback of her safety seat. She continued tocomplain softly a few more times, but she wasgrowing calmer. Within a few minutes, she wasasleep.Although Moriah was just two years old,she clearly knew what she wanted -- her Zebra.Once she began to realize that getting it wasn’tpossible, she wasn’t interested in my excuses, myarguments, or my diversions. My validation,however, was another matter. Finding out that Iunderstood how she felt seemed to make her feelbetter. For me, it was a memorable testament tothe power of empathy.” 10Sam Keen describes a friend’s lamentabout the consequences of not listening deeply:“Long ago and far away, I expected love to belight and easy and without failure.“Before we moved in together, we nego-tiateda prenuptial agreement. Neither of us had beenmarried before, and we were both involved in ourseparate careers. So our agreement not to havechildren suited us both. Until. on the night sheannounced that her period was late and she wasprobably pregnant, we both treated the matter asan embarrassing accident with which we would10From The Heart of Parenting - How to Raise anEmotionally Intelligent Child, by John M. Gottman withJoan DeClaire. New York: Simon & Schuster. 1997.Pages 69 & 70.Creative Commons: This page/workbook may be copied/reproduced. Free PDF e-book copies available at http://www.newconversations.net/workbook/Order printed copies at http://www.NewConversations.net/orderbook/ More communication skills online resources: http://www.NewConversations.net
Challenge One: Listening More Carefully & Responsively -- Page 1-5have to deal. Why us? Why now? Without muchdiscussion, we assumed we would do the rationalthing -- get an abortion. As the time approached,she began to play with hypothetical alternatives, toask in a plaintive voice with half misty eyes:‘Maybe we should keep the baby. Maybe wecould get a live-in helper, and it wouldn’t interruptour lives too much. Maybe I could even quit myjob and be a full-time mother for a few years.’‘Maybe . . .’ To each maybe I answered: ‘Berealistic. Neither of us is willing to make thesacrifices to raise a child.’ She allowed herself tobe convinced, silenced the voice of her irrationalhopes and dreams, and terminated the pregnancy.“It has been many years now since our‘decision,’ and we are still together and busy withour careers and our relationship. Still no children,even though we have recently been trying to getpregnant. I can’t help noticing that she suffersfrom spells of regret and guilt, and a certain moodof sadness settles over her. At times I know shelongs for her missing child and imagines what heor she would be doing now. I reassure her that wedid the right thing. But when I see her lingeringguilt and pain and her worry that she missed herone chance to become a mother, I feel that I failedan important test of love. Because my mind hadbeen closed to anything that would interrupt myplans for the future, I had listened to her withoutdeep empathy or compassion. I’m no longer surewe made the right decision. I am sure that inrefusing to enter into her agony, to share the painof her ambivalence, I betrayed her.“I have asked for and, I think, receivedforgiveness, but there remains a scar that wascaused by my insensitivity and self-absorption.” 11[Workbook editor’s note: I have not included thisreal life excerpt to make a point for or againstabortion. The lesson I draw from this story is thatwhatever decision this couple made, they wouldhave been able to live with that decision better ifthe husband had listened in a way thatacknowledged all his wife’s feelings rather thanlistening only to argue her out of her feelings.What lesson do you draw from this story?]Suggestions for reading on the topic of listening.Free Article: Tell Me More an essay by BrendaUeland, explores the transformative power oflistening to friends and familiy members:“I want to write about the great and powerfulthing that listening is. And how we forget it.And how we don’t listen to our children, orthose we love. And least of all — which is soimportant too — to those we do not love. Butwe should. Because listening is a magneticand strange thing, a creative force. Think howthe friends that really listen to us are the oneswe move toward, and we want to sit in theirradius as though it did us good, like ultravioletrays.”Free Article: Positive Deviant is a magazinearticle about the transformative power of deeplistening, as it occurred in a program to reducechild malnutrition in Vietnam. It is one of theclearest examples I have ever read of what is nowcalled “appreciative inquiry,” which advocatesthat helpers pay disciplined and systematicattention to the strengths, capacities and pastsuccesses of those people they wish to help.Free Collection of Articles: CompassionateListening: An Exploratory Sourcebook AboutConflict Transformation.[from the editor] The late Gene KnudsenHoffman (1919 – 2010) was both a Quakerpeace activist and a pastoral counselor. She tookthe practice of compassionate listening out ofthe quiet environs of the Quaker meeting house,out from behind the closed doors of therapysession, and on to the stage of the world’sgreatest conflicts. Her many trips to Russia andthe Middle East have made her a legend in thepeacemaking community. Secondly, shepopularized compassionate listening in agenerous way that invites and encourages otherpeople to take up this practice, develop it andapply it in new areas.11From To Love and Be Loved, by Sam Keen. NewYork: Bantam Books. 1997. Pages 138 & 139.Creative Commons: This page/workbook may be copied/reproduced. Free PDF e-book copies available at http://www.newconversations.net/workbook/Order printed copies at http://www.NewConversations.net/orderbook/ More communication skills online resources: http://www.NewConversations.net
Page 1-6 -- Challenge One: Listening More Carefully & ResponsivelyFirst exercise for Challenge 1: Active Listening.Find apractice partner. Take turns telling events from your lives. Asyou listen to your practice partner, sum up your practice partner’soverall experience and feelings in brief responses during thetelling:Your notes on this exercise:ListeningMeganne ForbesCreative Commons: This page/workbook may be copied/reproduced. Free PDF e-book copies available at http://www.newconversations.net/workbook/Order printed copies at http://www.NewConversations.net/orderbook/ More communication skills online resources: http://www.NewConversations.net
Challenge One: Listening More Carefully & Responsively -- Page 1-7Second exercise for Challenge 1: Learning from the past withthe tools of the present. Think of one or more conversations inyour life that went badly. Imagine how the conversations mighthave gone better with more responsive listening. Write down youralternative version of the conversation.Creative Commons: This page/workbook may be copied/reproduced. Free PDF e-book copies available at http://www.newconversations.net/workbook/Order printed copies at http://www.NewConversations.net/orderbook/ More communication skills online resources: http://www.NewConversations.net
Page 1-8 -- Challenge One: Listening More Carefully & ResponsivelySuggestions for additional reading on the topic of listening.Books: The following books can be found around the world, new and used, via the linksbelow provided by the Global Find-A-Book service of Human Development Books, Berkeley,the publsher of this Seven Challenges Workbook. Click on the book titles below to bring upa Global Find-A-Book page for each title.Are You Really Listening?: Keys to Successful CommunicationBy Paul J. Donoghue, PhD, and Mary E. Siegel, PhD.Listening is an essential skill worth every effort to learn and to master. Listening takes us outof our tendency toward self-absorption and self-protection. It opens us to the world around usand to the persons who matter most to us. When we listen, we learn, we grow, and we arenourished.Why do we often feel cut off when speaking to the people closest to us? What is it that keepsso many of us from really listening? Practicing psychotherapists, Donoghue and Siegel answerthese questions and more in this thoughtful, witty, and helpful look at the reasons why peopledon’t listen. Filled with vivid examples that clearly demonstrate easy-to-learn listeningtechniques, Are You Really Listening? is a guide to the secrets and joys of listening and beinglistened to. [From the publisher, Sorin Books] List price new, appx. 16. ISBN: 1893732886.The Zen of Listening:Mindful Communication in the Age of DistractionBy Rebecca Z. Shafir. What do family members, coworkers, and friends want most butseldom get? Your undivided attention. Poor listening can be a cause of divorce, depression,customer dissatisfaction, low grades, and other ills. This Zen-based, practical guide will helpyou build relationships, sharpen concentration, create loyal clients, strengthen negotiatingskills, hear what others miss, and get them to hear. [From the publisher, Quest Books] Listprice new, appx. 16. ISBN: 0835608263.The Wisdom of ListeningEdited by Mark Brady. In this thoughtful anthology, eighteen contemporary spiritualteachers explore the transformative effects, and the difficulties, of skillful listening andsuggest ways in which becoming a ‘listening warrior’ — someone who listens mindfully withfocused attention — can improve relationships. Free of religious dogma and self-help clichés,the essays are inspiring, intelligent and accessible. [from the back cover] List price new, appx 17. ISBN: 0861713559.Creative Commons: This page/workbook may be copied/reproduced. Free PDF e-book copies available at http://www.newconversations.net/workbook/Order printed copies at http://www.NewConversations.net/orderbook/ More communication skills online resources: http://www.NewConversations.net
book, Nonviolent Communication, “Studies in . Challenge One -- Listening . By listening and then repeating back in your own words the essence and feeling of what you have just heard, from the speaker’s point of
THE SECRET SEVEN is the first adventure of the SECRET SEVEN SOCIETY The other books are called: SECOND The Secret Seven Adventure THIRD Well Done Secret Seven! FOURTH Secret Seven on the Trail FIFTH Go Ahead Secret Seven SIXTH Good Work Secret Seven SEVENTH Secret Seven Win Through EIGHTH Three Cheers Secret Seven NINTH Secret Seven Mystery
the world, but as the heart and mind of the people. So that conforms with what we have in the book of Revelation—seven out of which comes seven, out of which comes seven. We have that also in the pattern with the seals: seven seals seven trumpet plagues seven last plagues We find seven all the way through. Paul wrote 14
Cooperative Communication Skills for Success at Home and at Work TABLE OF CONTENTS Page INTRODUCTION AND OVERVIEW HOW THIS WORKBOOK CAME TO BE, MY QUEST FOR THE SEVEN CHALLENGES, AND HOW WE BENEFIT FROM A MORE COOPERA
Subject: - Communication Skills UNIT - I Definition and Process of communication. Essentials of Effective communication. Barriers to communication. Role of communication in Organizational Effectiveness. UNIT - II Public Speech - Com Position, Principles, Speech Delivering Skills, Group Discussion Dos and Don ïts of GDs Communication
Lesson - Effective Communication Skills FOCUS: Class Discussion 15 - 20 minutes Purpose: Good communication skills, both verbal and written, are important to have on the job. This lesson will give students a chance evaluate effective communication and how they can improve their own communication skills. Materials: White board and marker
interpersonal communication skills in the four elements of verbal communication skills, non-verbal communication skills, listening skills, and feedback skills. Researchers have prepared a questionnaire as an instrument to collect data from respondents. A total of 54 respondents were selected to answer the questionnaire.
Build strategic leadership and conflict resolution skills Build interpersonal communication, leadership and coaching skills Build creative project management and communication skills Build communication and leadership skills Build motivational leadership and communication skills Build skills to lead in complex situations Build public speaking sk.
Build strategic leadership and conflict resolution skills Build interpersonal communication, leadership and coaching skills Build creative project management and communication skills Build communication and leadership skills Build motivational leadership and communication skills Build skills to lead in complex situations Build public speaking sk.
