Interpersonal Communication And Self

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2InterpersonalCommunicationand SelfObjectivescompare, and contrast self-concept and1 Define,self-esteem.factors that shape the development of2 Identifyyour self-concept.and describe strategies for improving your3 Listself-esteem.how your self-concept affects your4 Describerelationships with others.the effects of your communication style on5 Identifyyour relationships with others.Outline Self-Concept: Who You Think You Are Self-Esteem: Your Self-Worth Facework: Communicating Your Positive Image ofYourself to Others How to Improve Your Self-Esteem Self and Interpersonal RelationshipsISBN 0-558-82929-532Interpersonal Communication: Relating to Others, Sixth Edition, by Steven A. Beebe, Susan J. Beebe and Mark V. Redmond. Published by Allyn & Bacon.Copyright 2011 by Pearson Education, Inc.

Chapter 2PInterpersonal Communication and Selfhilosophers suggest that there are three basic questions to which all people seek answers: (1) “Who amI?” (2) “Why am I here?” and (3) “Who are all these others?” In this chapter, we focus on these essential questionsabout the self. We view them as progressive. Grapplingwith the question of who you are and seeking to define apurpose for your life are essential to understanding othersand becoming other-oriented in your interpersonal communication and relationships.Fundamentally, all your communication starts or ends with you. When you arethe communicator, you intentionally or unintentionally code your thoughts and emotions to be interpreted by another. When you receive a message, you interpret theinformation through your own frame of reference. Your self-image and self-worth, aswell as your needs, values, beliefs, and attitudes, serve as filters for your communication with others. As you establish and develop relationships, you may become moreaware of these filters and perhaps want to alter them. A close relationship often provides the impetus for change.To understand the role that self-concept plays in interpersonal communication,we will explore the first two basic questions—“Who am I?” and “Why am I here?”—inan effort to discover the meaning of self. We will examine the multifaceted dimensions of self-concept, learn how it develops, and compare self-concept to self-esteem.Then we will move to the third basic question, “Who are all these others?” What youchoose to tell and not tell others about yourself reveals important clues about who youare, what you value, and how you relate to another person.33People tell themselvesstories and then pour theirlives into the stories they tell.AnonymousISBN 0-558-82929-5Self-Concept: Who You Think You AreYou can begin your journey of self-discovery by doing the exercise in Building YourSkills: Who Are You?How did you answer the question “Who are you?” Perhaps you listed activities inwhich you participate, or groups and organizations to which you belong. You mayhave listed some of the roles you assume, such as student, child, or parent. All thesethings are indeed a part of your self, the sum total of who you are. Psychologist KarenHorney defines self as “that central inner force, common to all human beings and yetunique in each, which is the deep source of growth.”1Your answers are also part of your self-concept. Your self-concept is your subjective description of who you think you are—it is filtered through your own perceptions. For example, you may have great musical talent, but you may not believe in itenough to think of yourself as a musician. You can view self-concept as the labels youconsistently use to describe yourself to others.Who you are is also reflected in the attitudes, beliefs, and values that you hold.These are learned constructs that shape your behavior and self-image. An attitude is alearned predisposition to respond to a person, object, or idea in a favorable or unfavorable way. Attitudes reflect what you like and what you don’t like. If you like school,butter pecan ice cream, and your brother, you hold positive attitudes toward thesethings. You were not born with a fondness for butter pecan ice cream; you learned tolike it, just as some people learn to enjoy the taste of snails, raw fish, or pureed turnips.Beliefs are the way in which you structure your understanding of reality—what istrue and what is false for you. Most of your beliefs are based on previous experience.self Sum total of who a person is;a person’s central inner force.self-concept A person’s subjectivedescription of who he or she is.attitude Learned predisposition torespond to a person, object, or ideain a favorable or unfavorable way.belief Way in which you structureyour understanding of reality—whatis true and what is false for you.Interpersonal Communication: Relating to Others, Sixth Edition, by Steven A. Beebe, Susan J. Beebe and Mark V. Redmond. Published by Allyn & Bacon.Copyright 2011 by Pearson Education, Inc.

34Part OneInterpersonal Communication FoundationsBuilding Your SkillsConsider this question: Who are you?More specifically, ask yourself this question ten times. Write your responses inthe spaces provided here or on a separate piece of paper. It may be challenging to identify ten aspects of yourself.The Spanish writer Miguel de Cervantessaid, “To know thyself . . . is the mostdifficult lesson in the world.” Youranswers will help you begin to exploreyour self-concept and self-esteem inthis chapter.value Enduring concept of goodand bad, right and wrong.Who Are You?I amI amI amI amI amI amI amI amI amI amYou believe that the sun will rise in the morning and that you will get burned if youput your hand on a hot stove.How are attitudes and beliefs related? They often function quite independently ofeach other. You may have a favorable attitude toward something and still believe negativethings about it. You may believe, for example, that your school football team will not winthe national championship this year, although you may be a big fan. Or you may believethat God exists, yet not always like what you think God does or does not do. Beliefs haveto do with what is true or not true, whereas attitudes reflect likes and dislikes.Values are enduring concepts of good and bad, right and wrong. Your values aremore resistant to change than either your attitudes or your beliefs. They are also moredifficult for most people to identify. Values are so central to who you are that it is difficult to isolate them. For example, when you go to the supermarket, you may spend afew minutes deciding whether to buy regular or cream-style corn, but you probablydo not spend much time deciding whether you will steal the corn or pay for it. Ourvalues are instilled in us by our earliest interpersonal relationships; for almost all of us,our parents shape our values.The model in Figure 2.1 illustrates that values are central to our behavior andconcept of self and that what we believe to be true or false stems from our values;that’s why values are in the center of the model. Attitudes are at the outer edge of thecircle because they are the most likely to change. You may like your coworker todayRECAP Who You Are Is Reflected in Your Attitudes, Beliefs, and ValuesDimensionsExampleAttitudeLearned predisposition to respond favorablyor unfavorably to somethingLikes–DislikesYou like ice cream, incense, and cats.BeliefThe way in which you structure realityTrue–FalseYou believe that your parents love you.ValueEnduring concepts of what is right and wrongGood–BadYou value honesty and truth.Interpersonal Communication: Relating to Others, Sixth Edition, by Steven A. Beebe, Susan J. Beebe and Mark V. Redmond. Published by Allyn & Bacon.Copyright 2011 by Pearson Education, Inc.ISBN 0-558-82929-5Definition

Chapter 2Interpersonal Communication and Selfbut not tomorrow, even though you believe the person will come to workevery day and you still value the concept of friendship. Beliefs are betweenattitudes and values in the model because they are more likely to changethan our core values but don’t change as much as our attitudes (likes anddislikes).Are You Conscious of Who You Are?Va l u e sDo you know what you’re doing right now? “Of course,” you may think,Beliefs“I’m reading this textbook.” But are you really aware of all of the fleetingthoughts bouncing in your head, whether you’re truly happy or sad, orAttitudeseven whether you may be twiddling a pencil, jiggling your leg, or in needof a snack? To be aware of who you are and what you may be thinkingabout is a more involved process than you may think. To be self-aware is FIGURE 2.1to be mindful. Mindfulness is the ability to consciously think about whatValues, Beliefs, and Attitudesyou are doing and experiencing, rather than responding out of habit or in Relation to Selfintuition.2 If you’ve ever talked on the phone while driving (somethingillegal in many states), you may not have been mindful of, or consciouslythinking about, where you were driving. Researchers have described three ways ofbeing self-aware, or conscious of who you are and what you are doing: subjective selfawareness, objective self-awareness, and symbolic self-awareness.3Subjective Self-Awareness. Subjective self-awareness is the ability that peo-ple have to differentiate themselves from their environment. You are a separate beingapart from your surroundings. It is so basic an awareness that it may even seem notworth talking about. You know, for example, that you’re not physically attached to thechair you may be sitting in. You are a separate entity from all that is around you.Objective Self-Awareness. Objective self-awareness is the ability to be theobject of our own thoughts and attention. You have the ability to think about yourown thoughts as you are thinking about them. (Some research suggests that some primates also have this ability.) Not only are you aware that you’re separate from yourenvironment (subjective self-awareness), but you can also ponder the distinctthoughts you are thinking. Of course, objective self-awareness, like subjective selfawareness, can be “turned on” and “turned off.” Sometimes you are aware of whatyou are thinking, sometimes you’re unaware of what you are thinking or on what youare focusing.Symbolic Self-Awareness. Symbolic self-awareness, unique to humans, isISBN 0-558-82929-5our ability not only to think about ourselves but to use language (symbols) to represent ourselves to others. For example, you have the ability to think about how to makea good impression on others. In an effort to make a positive impression on someone,you may say, “Good evening, Mrs. Cleaver. You look nice this evening” rather thanjust saying, “Hi ya.” You make conscious attempts to use symbols to influence the wayyou want to be perceived by others.A four-stage model of how aware or unaware we are of what we are doing at anygiven moment has been attributed to psychologist Abraham Maslow. This frameworkhas also been used to explain how individuals develop communication skills.Stage 1: Unconscious incompetence. You are unaware of your own incompetence.You don’t know what you don’t know. For example, at one point in your life youdidn’t know how to ride a bicycle and you didn’t even realize that you were missing this skill. You were unconsciously incompetent about bicycle-riding skills.mindfulness The ability toconsciously think about whatyou are doing and experiencing.subjective self-awarenessAbility to differentiate the selffrom the social and physicalenvironment.objective self-awarenessAbility to be the object of one’sown thoughts and attention—tobe aware of one’s state of mindand that one is thinking.symbolic self-awarenessUniquely human ability to thinkabout oneself and use language(symbols) to represent oneself toothers.Interpersonal Communication: Relating to Others, Sixth Edition, by Steven A. Beebe, Susan J. Beebe and Mark V. Redmond. Published by Allyn & Bacon.Copyright 2011 by Pearson Education, Inc.35

Stage 2: Conscious incompetence. At this level, you become aware orconscious that you are not competent: You know what you don’tknow. Continuing our example, at some point you realized thatothers could ride a bike and you could not. You became consciousof your incompetence with regard to bicycle-riding.Peter Blake, “Self-Portrait with Badges,” 1961. Tate Gallery, London/Art Resource, NY. 2009 Artists Rights Society (ARS), New York/DACS, LondonStage 3: Conscious competence. You are aware that you know something, but applying it has not yet become a habit. When you firstlearned to ride a bike, if you’re like most people, you had to concentrate on keeping your balance and focus on riding forwardwithout falling over.Stage 4: Unconscious competence. At this level, your skills becomesecond nature to you. Now you don’t have to mentally review howto ride a bike every time you hop on one. You are unconsciouslycompetent of how to ride a bicycle; you just get on and automatically start pedaling. The same could be said about tying yourshoes; you don’t have to think about how to tie your shoes; youjust do it without thinking about each step. These same four stagesexplain how you learn any skill, from riding a bike to enhancingthe interpersonal communication skills we discuss in this book.One or Many Selves?Shakespeare’s famous line “To thine own self be true” suggests thatyou have a single self to which you can be true. But do you have justone self? Or is there a more “real you” buried somewhere within?Most scholars conclude that each of us has a core set of behaviors,attitudes, beliefs, and values that constitutes our self—the sum total of who we are. Butour concept of self can and does change, depending on circumstances and influences.In addition, our self-concept is often different from the way others see us. Wealmost always behave differently in public than we do in private. Sociologist ErvingGoffman suggests that, like actors and actresses, we have “on-stage” behaviors whenothers are watching and “backstage” behaviors when they are not.4 Goffman writesthat “often what talkers undertake to do is not to provide information to a recipientbut to present dramas to an audience. Indeed, it seems that we spend most of our timenot engaged in giving information but in giving shows.”5 With an audience present,whether it’s one person or several, you adapt and “perform.”Perhaps the most enduring and widely accepted framework for describing whowe are was developed by the philosopher William James. He identified three classiccomponents of the self: the material self, the social self, and the spiritual self.6Peter Blake sought to explore his self-dimensions bypainting his self-portrait. What qualities does this selfportrait reveal about the artist?The Material Self. Perhaps you’ve heard the statement “You are what you eat.”reflected in a total of all thetangible things you own.36Interpersonal Communication: Relating to Others, Sixth Edition, by Steven A. Beebe, Susan J. Beebe and Mark V. Redmond. Published by Allyn & Bacon.Copyright 2011 by Pearson Education, Inc.ISBN 0-558-82929-5material self Concept of self asThe concept of the material self goes a step further by suggesting that “You are whatyou have.” The material self is a total of all the tangible things you own: your body,your possessions, your home. As you examine your list of responses to the question“Who are you?” note whether any of your statements refer to one of your physicalattributes or something you own.One element of the material self gets considerable attention in this culture: thebody. Do you like the way you look? Most of us, if we’re honest, would like tochange something about our appearance. When there is a discrepancy between ourdesired material self and our self-concept, we may respond to eliminate the discrepancy. We may try to lose weight, develop our muscles, or acquire more hair. The

Chapter 2Interpersonal Communication and Self37multibillion-dollar diet industry is just one of manythat profit from our collective desire to change ourappearance.The Social Self. Look at your “Who are you?” The New Yorker Collection Peter C. Vey fromcartoonbank.com. All Rights Reservedlist once more. How many of your responses relate toyour social self, the part of you that interacts withothers? William James believed that you have manysocial selves—that, depending on the friend, familymember, colleague, or acquaintance with whom youare interacting, you change the way you are. A personhas, said James, as many social selves as there are people who recognize him or her. For example, when youtalk to your best friend, you are willing to “let downyour hair” and reveal more thoughts and feelings thanyou would in a conversation with your communication professor, or even your parents. Each relationship that you have with another person is uniquebecause you bring to it a unique social self.The Spiritual Self. Your spiritual self consists of all your thoughts and intro-spections about your values and moral standards. It does not depend on what youown or with whom you talk; it is the essence of who you think you are and yourfeelings about yourself, apart from external evaluations. It is an amalgam of your religious beliefs and your sense of who you are in relationship to other forces in the universe. Whether you believe in intelligent design or Darwinian evolution (or both),UNDERSTANDING OTHERSISBN 0-558-82929-5Adapting to DifferencesIt’s clear that there are cultural differencesamong the world’s people, including differences in language, food preferences,housing preferences, and a host of otherelements; these differences have existedas long as there have been people.Anthropologistsandcommunicationscholars who study intercultural communication, a topic we’ll discuss in moredetail in Chapter 4, teach the value ofadapting to cultural differences in order tounderstand others better. But is it possible that despite their clear differences,there is a universally held principle thatinfluences the behavior of all people? Thequestion is not a new one. Scholars, theologians, and many others have debatedfor millennia whether there are any universal values that inform all human societies.The importance of being other-orientedrather than self-absorbed is not a new idea.social self Concept of self asreflected in social interactionswith others.spiritual self Concept ofself based on thoughts andintrospections about personalvalues, moral standards, and beliefs.The “Golden Rule”: A Universal Value?Most world religions emphasize some version of the same spiritual principle, known inChristianity as the Golden Rule: Do untoothers as you would have others do untoyou. There is convincing evidence that thisrule has been the foundation of most ethicalcodes throughout the world. The followingprinciples underlying various religious traditions emphasize the universal importanceaccorded to being other-oriented.7Hinduism This is the sum of duty: Donothing to others that would cause pain ifdone to you.Buddhism One should seek for othersthe happiness one desires for one self.Taoism Regard your neighbor’s gain asyour own gain, and your neighbor’s lossas your loss.Confucianism Is there one principle thatought to be acted on throughout one’swhole life? Surely it is the principle ofloving-kindness: do not unto others whatyou would not have them do unto you.Zoroastrianism The nature alone isgood that refrains from doing untoanother whatsoever is not good for itself.Judaism What is hateful to you, do notdo to others. That is the entire law: all therest is but commentary.Islam No one of you is a believer untilhe desires for his brother that which hedesires for himself.Christianity Do unto others as youwould have others do unto you.Do you find this list of variations on theGolden Rule from different world religionsconvincing evidence that being otheroriented is a universal value? Are thereother underlying values or principles, suchas how the poor or the elderly should betreated, that should inform our interactionswith others?Interpersonal Communi

You don’t know what you don’t know. For example, at one point in your life you didn’t know how to ride a bicycle and you didn’t even realize that you were miss-ing this skill. You were unconsciously incompetent about bicycle-riding skills. Chapter 2 Interpersonal Communication and Self 35 Va l u e s A t i t u d e s Be l i e f s mindfulness

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