PPT Carlson Difficult Conversations Jan 18 (002) [Read-Only]

Difficult ConversationsPeg CarlsonUNC School of GovernmentSession objectives: Understand what makes some conversationsso challenging Learn tools to makes these conversationsmore productive Receive peer coaching and support on anissue of your choice1

IntroductionsThink of a time when you handled a difficultsituation really well. That is, the issue orproblem was resolved and the relationshipwas maintained or improved.Pair up and briefly describe (3 min. each):A. What were the circumstances? Why was thesituation challenging?B. How did you prepare for or respond in waysthat contributed to the positive outcome?Join with another pair and compare notes.What words or themes come up acrossstories?WHAT MAKES SOMECONVERSATIONS SOCHALLENGING?2

We notice different things We spend as little of our mental energy as wehave to in order to get the job done. We take shortcuts and make assumptionsabout each otherWe create different storiesI talked to Jeff about hisperformanceAnita talked to me about myperformance3

Each of us is the star of our own life 93% of American drivers rate themselves asbetter than average Half of adults admit to texting while drivingManaging conflict starts with what’s inyour head . . .Before anything comes out your mouth4

Your Choice: to Respond, not ReactIn challenging situations, we often usea Unilateral Control mindset:I understand, you don’t.I’m right, you’re wrong.I will win.5

Shifting to a Mutual Learning mindsetis the first step:I understand some things. So do you.Let’s learn and move forward together.Rethinking Thinking trevor‐maber6

The Ladder of InferenceInside your head Take action based on beliefs I adopt beliefs about the world I draw conclusions I make assumptions based on mymeanings I add meanings (cultural and personal) I select data from what I observe Observable dataWe All Go Up the Ladder Assumptions Inferences Attributions7

Attribution: He doesn’t careabout the project!Inference: He didn’t do as I asked!Assumption: Email accuratelyaddressed is delivered immediatelyData: You ask for the info by email by 8:30AM and it didn’t arrive“LOWERING YOURLADDER” IS A KEYTOOL TO REDUCEDEFENSIVENESS8

You’ll be on safer footing if you . . .Aim for thisInstead of thisTwo people, two interpretationsPerson OnePerson TwoObservableInformationYou ask your colleague tosend you the email by 8:30a.m. and it did not arrive.AssumptionEmail accurately addressedEmail accurately addressed can beis delivered immediately and delayed or misdelivered.accurately.InferenceMy colleague didn’t keep hisword.AttributionMy colleague doesn’t careabout this project.You ask your colleague to send you theemail by 8:30 a.m. and it did not arrive.My colleague’s email didn’t get through. 2011 Roger Schwarz & Associates. All rights reserve9

Basic formula to “lower your ladder” Test observation– What I noticed was DidI miss something? Test meaning– I’m thinking What doyou think?ANOTHER TOOL TOHELP WHEN YOU’RESTUCK10

Focusing on PositionsNo, we needbiweeklyWe need weeklyrecyclingWhat should thesolution be?Focusing on PositionsBi-weeklyWeeklySo, should we pick upweekly or bi-weekly?11

Focusing on PositionsBi-weeklyWeeklyWell, this isn’t getting usanywhereFocusing on InterestsI want us toprovide a high levelof customer serviceI want us tobe goodstewards ofour taxdollarsWhat about your solutionis important to you?12

Focusing on InterestsLet me thinkabout thisfor a minute.Hmm.What solution can we come upwith that meets both of yourinterests?Focusing on Interests is a key tool tohelp things get “unstuck” Interests are often compatible when positionsare not Ask people “What is it about that solution thatworks for you?” Avoid pro‐con lists, which tend to makepeople dig in even more13

Should I raise this at all? How important is thisproblem to the organization? How long has the problemexisted? What will happen if theproblem is not solved? What is the likelihood thatthe problem will go away onits own?PEERCONSULTATION14

Time for peer coaching and support!Form groups of three.Each person shares: A specific conversation you are preparing for,or thinking about having Why it’s important What you are concerned about and/or whereyou are feeling stuckThe peer coach’s job is to: Actively listen! Paraphrase and summarize to check forunderstanding Ask open‐ended questions Hold judgment—don’t offer advice unlessasked15

Group Debrief Insights? Patterns of when/where we get stuck? Key Learnings– From your own situation– From others’ situations What one thing from this session you can takeaway and start using?CONTINUING TODEVELOP YOURSKILLS16

Additional Resources Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss WhatMatters Most by Douglas Stone, Bruce Patton,and Sheila Heen (Penguin, 1999). Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking WhenStakes are High, 2nd ed. by Kerry Patterson et.al. (McGraw‐Hill, 2012). Thanks for the Feedback: The Science and Artof Receiving Feedback Well by Douglas Stoneand Sheila Heen (Penguin, 2014).SOG one‐day Public Leadershipcourses (2016‐17 so far—more soon!) Managing Conflict Effectively: Sept. 9, SOG Know Yourself! Understanding Leadership Preferencesthrough the MBTI: Oct. 7, Asheville Positive Problem‐Solving: Nov. 4, Winston‐SalemFacilitation Skills for Successful Meetings: Dec. 9, SOGEmotional Intelligence: Jan. 13, RaleighSocial Media Strategies for Government Professionals:Mar. 17, SOG Building Your Capacity to Lead: Jun. 8‐9, Charlotte17

Public Leadership series course ists/public‐leadership18

Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss What Matters Most by Douglas Stone, Bruce Patton, and Sheila Heen(Penguin, 1999). Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When Stakes are High, 2nd ed. by Kerry Patterson et. al. (McGraw‐Hill, 2012). Thanks for the Feedback: The Science and Art