Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus - Handwritingtech

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Men are from Mars, Women are from VenusJohn Gray1

ContentIntroduction. 6Chapter 1 Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus.11REMEMBERING OUR DIFFERENCES.11AN OVERVIEW OF OUR DIFFERENCES.12GOOD INTENTIONS ARE NOT ENOUGH.13Chapter 2 Mr. Fix-It and the Home-Improvement Committee.15LIFE ON MARS. 15LIFE ON VENUS.17GIVE UP GIVING ADVICE. 18LEARNING TO LISTEN. 19IN DEFENSE OF MR. FIX-IT AND THE HOME-IMPROVEMENT COMMITTEE.21WHEN A WOMAN RESISTS A MAN'S SOLUTIONS. 21WHEN A MAN RESISTS THE HOME-IMPROVEMENT COMMITTEE.23Chapter 3 Men Go to Their Caves and Women Talk.25COPING WITH STRESS ON MARS AND VENUS. 25FINDING RELIEF IN THE CAVE.26FINDING RELIEF THROUGH TALKING.29HOW THE MARTIANS AND VENUSIANS FOUND PEACE.31Chapter 4 How to Motivate the Opposite Sex. 34WHEN A MAN LOVES A WOMAN.35WHEN A WOMAN LOVES A MAN.37SETTING AND RESPECTING LIMITS. 39LEARNING TO RECEIVE. 41LEARNING TO GIVE.43Chapter 5 Speaking Different Languages. 45EXPRESSING FEELINGS VERSUS EXPRESSING INFORMATION. 452

WHEN VENUSIANS TALK. 46WHEN MARTIANS DON'T TALK. 49WHEN MARTIANS DO TALK. 53WHAT TO DO WHEN HE GOES INTO HIS CAVE.55HOW TO COMMUNICATE SUPPORT TO A MARTIAN. 57MAKING LITTLE CHANGES.60HOW TO COMMUNICATE WITHOUT BLAME.60Chapter 6 Men Are Like Rubber Bands. 65WHAT EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW ABOUT MEN. 65HOW WOMEN MISINTERPRET MEN.68WHEN TO TALK WITH A MAN. 69NOW TO GET A MAN TO TALK. 70WHEN A MAN WON'T TALK.71WHEN A MAN DOESN'T PULL AWAY. 73OBSTRUCTING THE INTIMACY CYCLE. 75HOW A MAN'S PAST MAY AFFECT HIS INTIMACY CYCLE. 76WISE MEN AND WOMEN.77Chapter 7 Women Are Like Waves. 79HOW MEN REACT TO THE WAVE. 79RECURRING CONVERSATIONS AND ARGUMENTS. 81UNDERSTANDING NEEDINESS. 83WHEN A WOMAN DOESN'T FEEL SAFE IN HER WELL. 84WHEN SHE'S IN THE WELL AND HE'S IN THE CAVE. 85RESOLVING CONFLICTS THROUGH UNDERSTANDING. 87HOW MONEY CAN CREATE PROBLEMS. 90FEELINGS ARE IMPORTANT. 91Chapter 8 Discovering Our Different Emotional Needs. 923

THE TWELVE KINDS OF LOVE.92THE KNIGHT IN SHINING ARMOR. 96NOW YOU MAY BE UNKNOWINGLY TURNING OFF YOUR PARTNER. 97WHEN LOVE FAILS. 99LEARNING TO LISTEN WITHOUT GETTING ANGRY. 100THE ART OF EMPOWERING A MAN.101Chapter 9 How to Avoid Arguments.105WHAT HAPPENS WHEN WE ARGUE. 105WHY ARGUMENTS HURT. 106THE FOUR STANCES FOR AVOIDING HURT. 107WHY WE ARGUE.109THE ANATOMY OF AN ARGUMENT. 110HOW TO EXPRESS YOUR DIFFERENCES WITHOUT ARGUING. 115GIVING SUPPORT AT DIFFICULT TIMES. 120AVOIDING ARGUMENTS THROUGH LOVING COMMUNICATION. 121Chapter 10 Scoring Points with the Opposite Sex. 122LITTLE THINGS MAKE A BIG DIFFERENCE. 123THE MAGIC OF DOING LITTLE THINGS. 128REDIRECTING ENERGY AND ATTENTION. 129WHEN WOMEN GIVE POINTS.130HEALING THE RESENTMENT FLU. 131WHY MEN GIVE LESS. 132HOW MEN GIVE POINTS.137WHAT MAKES MEN DEFENSIVE. 140WHEN MEN GIVE PENALTY POINTS.140REMEMBERING OUR DIFFERENCES. 141Chapter 11 How to Communicate Difficult Feelings.1424

THE LOVE LETTER TECHNIQUE.143MAKING IT SAFE FOR LOVE LETTERS.154MINI LOVE LETTERS.155WHEN TO WRITE LOVE LETTERS. 156WHY WE NEED TO WRITE LOVE LETTERS. 156TELLING THE COMPLETE TRUTH. 159HEALING NEGATIVE FEELINGS. 162SECRETS OF SELF-HELP. 163Chapter 12 How to Ask for Support and Get It. 168WHY WOMEN DON'T ASK. 168STEP I: ASKING CORRECTLY FOR WHAT YOU ARE ALREADY GETTING. 169STEP 2: PRACTICE ASKING FOR MORE (EVEN WHEN YOU KNOW HE MAY SAY NO).178STEP 3: PRACTICE ASSERTIVE ASKING. 181WHY MEN ARE SO SENSITIVE.185Chapter 13 Keeping the Magic of Love Alive.186THE 90/10 PRINCIPLE. 188YOU ARE NEVER UPSET FOR THE REASON YOU THINK.190THE DELAYED REACTION RESPONSE. 191WHY HEALTHY PEOPLE MAY NEED COUNSELING.192THE SEASONS OF LOVE.193SUCCESSFUL RELATIONSHIPS. 194Acknowledgement.1975

IntroductionA week after our daughter Lauren was born, my wife Bonnie and I were completely exhausted. Each nightLauren kept waking us. Bonnie had been torn in the delivery and was taking painkillers. She could barelywalk. After five days of staying home to help, I went back to work. She seemed to be getting better.While I was away she ran out of pain pills. Instead of calling me at the office, she asked one of mybrothers, who was visiting, to purchase more. My brother, however, did not return with the pills.Consequently, she spent the whole day in pain, taking care of a newborn.I had no idea that her day had been so awful. When I returned home she was very upset. I misinterpretedthe cause of her distress and thought she was blaming me.She said, "I've been in pain all day. I ran out of pills. I've been stranded in bed and nobody cares!"I said defensively, "Why didn't you call me?"She said, "I asked your brother, but he forgot! I've' been waiting for him to return all day. What am Isupposed to do? I can barely walk. I feel so deserted!"At this point I exploded. My fuse was also very short that day. I was angry that she hadn't called me. I wasfurious that she was blaming me when I didn't even know she was in pain. After exchanging a few harshwords, I headed for the door. I was fired, irritable, and had heard enough. We had both reached our limits.Then something started to happen that would change my life.Bonnie said, "Stop, please don't leave. This is when I need you the most. I'm in pain. I haven’t slept indays. Please listen to me."I stopped for a moment to listen.She said, "John Gray, you're a fair weather friend! As long as I'm sweet, loving Bonnie you are here for me,but as soon as I'm not, you walk right out that door."Then she paused, and her eyes filled up with tears. As her tone shifted she said, "Right now I'm in pain. Ihave nothing to give, this is when I need you the most. Please, come over here and hold me. You don'thave to say anything. I just need to feel your arms around me. Please don't go."I walked over and silently held her. She wept in my arms. After a few minutes, she thanked me for notleaving. She told me that she just needed to feel me holding her.At that moment I started to realize the real meaning of love, unconditional love. I had always thought ofmyself as a loving person. But she was right. I had been a fair weather friend. As long as she was happy6

and nice, I loved back. But if she was unhappy or upset, I would feel blamed and then argue or distancemyself.That day, for the first time, I didn't leave her. I stayed, and it felt great. I succeeded in giving to her whenshe really needed me. This felt like real love. Caring for another person. Trusting in our love. Being there ather hour of need. I marveled at how easy it was for me to support her when I was shown the way.How had I missed this? She just needed me to go over and hold her. Another woman would haveinstinctively known what Bonnie needed. But as a man, I didn't know that touching, holding, and listeningwere so important to her. By recognizing these differences I began to learn a new way of relating to mywife. I would have never believed we could resolve conflict so easily.In my previous relationships, I had become indifferent and unloving at difficult times, simply because Ididn't know what else to do. As a result, my first marriage had been very painful and difficult.This incident with Bonnie revealed to me how I could change this pattern.It inspired my seven years of research to help develop and refine the insights about men and women inthis book. By learning in very practical and specific terms about how men and women are different, Isuddenly began to realize that my marriage did not need to be such a struggle. With this new awareness ofour differences Bonnie and I were able to improve dramatically our communication and enjoy each othermore.By continuing to recognize and explore our differences we have discovered new ways to improve all ourrelationships. We have learned about relationships in ways that our parents never knew and thereforecould not have taught us. As I began sharing these insights with my counseling clients, their relationshipswere also enriched. Literally thousands of those who attended my weekend seminars saw theirrelationships dramatically transform overnight.Seven years later individuals and couples still report successful benefits. I receive pictures of happy couplesand their children, with letters thanking me for saving their marriage. Although their love saved theirmarriage, they would have divorced if they hadn't gained a deeper understanding of the opposite sex.Susan and Jim had been married nine years. Like most couples they started out loving each other, but afteryears of increasing frustration and disappointment they lost their passion and decided to give up. Beforegetting a divorce, however, they attended my weekend relationship seminar. Susan said, "We have triedeverything to make this relationship work. We are just too different."During the seminar they were amazed to learn that their differences were not only normal but were to beexpected. They were comforted that other couples had experienced the same patterns of relating. In justtwo days, Susan and Jim gained a totally new understanding of men and women.7

They fell in love again. Their relationship miraculously changed. No longer heading toward a divorce, theylooked forward to sharing the rest of their lives together. Jim said, "This information about our differenceshas given me back my wife. This is the greatest gift I could ever receive. We are loving each other again."Six years later, when they invited me to visit their new home and family, they were still loving each other.They were still dunking me for helping them to understand each other and stay married.Although almost everyone would agree that men and women are different, how different is still undefinedfor most people. Many books in the last ten years have forged ahead, attempting to define thesedifferences. Though important advances have been made, many books are one sided and unfortunatelyreinforce mistrust and resentment toward the opposite sex. One sex is generally viewed as being victimizedby the other. A definitive guide was needed for understanding how healthy men and women are different.To improve relations between the sexes it is necessary to create an understanding of our differences thatraises self-esteem and personal dignity while inspiring mutual trust, personal responsibility, increasedcooperation, and greater love. As a result of questioning more than 25,000 participants in my relationshipseminars I have been able to define in positive terms how men and women are different. As you explorethese differences you will feel walls of resentment and mistrust melting down.Opening the heart results in greater forgiveness and increased motivation to give and receive love andsupport. With this new awareness, you will, I hope, go beyond the suggestions in this book and continue todevelop ways in which you can relate l

6 Introduction A week after our daughter Lauren was born, my wife Bonnie and Iwere completely exhausted. Each night Lauren kept waking us. Bonnie had been torn in the delivery and was taking painkillers.

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