The Celebrity Apprentice Premiere Recap: Tom Scharpling .

Star Jones then donates the check that she made from winning last week’s competition — running apizzeria — to the American Heart Association, an organization that helps people deal with the healthproblems that come from harmful activities like eating food at pizzerias.And to anybody who thinks I’m crapping on celebrities trying to make money for charities that aremost certainly very deserving of everybody’s support: There are other ways to raise money for acharity. This show serves as a way for these fading stars to get their faces back on TV. The altruisticelement is a by-product — half of these contestants would be on the show if the grand prize were cabfare and a fish sandwich.Trump gathers the contestants in front of Madison Square Garden — the first place I ever sawanyone do cocaine, for the record (it was during a Scorpions concert and some dudes in the row infront of me were tooting it up off a Scorps tour program! I was 12 years old and terrified! Where weremy parents?!) — to announce the rules of the next challenge. The teams must write and design achildren’s book, with one of the contestants as the main character, that will be performed in front ofa group of children. Wow, they’re out of ideas already!And there’s no Ivanka this week! In her stead is her brother Eric Trump. Eric Trump? Who?! A quickWiki search reveals him to be “Executive Vice President of Development and Acquisitions at theTrump Organization, Trump Tower” as well as “Founder and Chairman of The Eric TrumpFoundation." Sounds like a real go-getter! Very individualistic! And what is the Eric TrumpFoundation? An organization dedicated to publicly validating the existence of Eric Trump? Eric isbest described as Craig Kilborn crossed with Donald Trump crossed with Craig Kilborn.Marlee Matlin’s interpreter, Jack — WHO IS NOW TWEETING AT ME! — inserts himself right intothe mix, even speaking for the women at one point! Man, this guy is a sea of questions that I wantanswers to. Does he hang out in the ladies’ suite with all the other contestants? How much of apresence is he? For example, is his shaving kit on a shelf somewhere in their bathroom? Does hecover his ears when they talk about lady things like bras or Spanx? And can Matlin shake this dudewhen she doesn’t want him hovering? Because man, does he seem like a hoverer.Lisa Rinna is appointed the team leader for the ladies because, as we learn from NeNe Leakes, theythought they could get rid of her sooner rather than later by putting her in the hot seat as soon aspossible. Which is ironic, because ASAP is the name of the women’s team! Meat Loaf is named teamleader for the dudes. He says that as project manager “the sword of Damocles is hanging over yourhead,” which actually sounds like a lyric from Bat Out of Hell 2: Back Into Hell.But Meat isn’t worried about assembling the children’s book because he says that he’s got two writersin the room — Mark McGrath of Sugar Ray and John Rich of Big & Rich. Excuse me, but did JoseCanseco not write a book about professional baseball players, who are undoubtedly the biggestchildren on the planet?But that’s Meat Loaf for you — you have a best-selling author two steps away but you hand the keysto the car to the brain trust behind songs like “Danzig Needs a Hug” and “Rollin’ (The Ballad of Big &Rich).” And hasn’t Lil Jon maybe put some words down on paper, what with him being a rapper andall?The ladies start fighting right away, arguing over who should do what, with the end result beingeverybody being generally unhappy with Lisa Rinna. I’m sure she just loved hearing the sound ofJack the Interpreter’s voice joining the fray, saying, “Lisa, you’re in charge. Take charge.” I’m notsaying I didn’t like it, Jack. And keep tweeting me! I’m still @Scharpling!6

Dionne Warwick — whom I never had an opinion of either way outside of her ability to sing BurtBacharach songs better than Burt Bacharach, which is not a difficult proposition — seems like a trulyhorrible person. She actually gets irked about the idea of there being too much diversity put into thechildren’s book, which at this point features La Toya Jackson as a lion who cannot roar.At one point Warwick argues with Jack the Interpreter, not even looking at Matlin, who is signingaway like the dickens one foot away! Plus, Warwick is wearing a dumb, dumpy sweatshirt and aridiculous baseball cap that says "WORLD PEACE" on it. You’re on TV, lady — this isn’t laundry day!But at some point the squeaky old wheel gets all the grease and they decide to let Dionne create theconcept of the book, which is to "be yourself." Lots of people in the room are vocal about how flawedthis concept is, stating that individuality is a concept that little kids simply cannot grasp. Even LilJon himself later says in the episode when told the theme of their book, “Hell no! They don’t evenknow who the fuck they are yet!” (I’m with you, Lil Jon. And I’m rooting for you, even though atsome point you’re inevitably gonna get shivved by Richard Hatch.)Maybe Dionne could’ve made the children’s book about a lion who is unsure of herself, so she startscalling a psychic hotline that is running commercials on television all night that star a famous singertalking about how great the service is. The lion pays 3.99 to get psychic advice designed to keep thelion on the line for as long as possible. Just an idea.The guys have agreed on a subject for their book: It’s called Not So Lil Jon and it’s about Lil Jon notlearning how to speak up or something like that (apparently to all of the windbags on this show thebiggest weakness in the world is the inability to be loud).So as they are prepping for their live performance, Meat Loaf accidentally sends the team membersdelivering the stage props to the wrong location thanks to his inability to correctly pronounce wordswritten on a piece of paper. Canseco — who is one of the delivery guys — starts to get mad. It starts tofeel like he’s going to turn green and rip through all those puny Ed Hardy clothes covering up hishuman form! CANSECO SMASH!Things are even worse with the women at this point. Star Jones and Dionne Warwick are bothlobbying for individual credits on this non-existent children’s book. And now Star Jones is in full-ondirtbag mode, showing her true colors as the skin crawling person that we all remembered her ason The View. How Marlee Matlin hasn’t smashed a chair over everybody’s heads yet I will neverknow.The two groups do their performances to an audience of children. The women wear strange masksonstage like they’re in the house band at the Eyes Wide Shut mansion. It’s disconcerting and if I werea kid I would be really freaked out by them, because as an adult I was pretty freaked out by them. Butthe performance doesn’t go too badly overall, and Lisa Rinna declares that once they put the dramaand bullshit (pronounced ‘dra-MA’ and ‘bull-SHIT’) behind them they made art up on that stage.The guys’ production is unsettlingly low-rent and costume-heavy, bringing to mind pirate Mexicantelevision, if there is such a thing. Gary Busey gets some laughs from the kids with his portrayal of alittle boy — Busey is for the children! — and while Jose Canseco dressed like an attractive BarbaraBush is pretty stiff performance-wise, he is at least game and makes a go at it.And then in the middle of this all, there’s a moment where I remember that the premise of TheApprentice was to teach business skills. It was referred to as "The Ultimate Job Interview” by itscreators. Yet what I’m seeing on my television is convicted tax evader Richard Hatch dressed like alittle girl jumping around with a bunch of other grown men in costumes, all of them aggressively7

throwing confetti at a group of seemingly terrified children. Unless I have fallen asleep and this issome sort of dream I’m trapped in, things have gone waaaay off course at some point.With the performances completed, both teams are summoned to the boardroom. Meat Loaf gets allemotional talking about the accomplishments of his team, and you can just see the screw looseningon this dude right before our eyes. But overall the guys play it cool and for the most part complimenteach other.The ladies are another story, with the Lisa Rinna pile-on in full effect. And when Team ASAPdiscovers they lost the competition, the fighting only gets worse. It all boils down to Rinna versusJones and Warwick in the boardroom.Donald and Don both complain that Lisa isn’t ripping her teammates — who were responsible for theprimary elements of the book that the judges panned — with the proper amount of force. So Trumpis once again forced to fire someone who probably wasn’t the guiltiest because they aren’t shitting ontheir opponent with optimum force. Lisa Rinna is out.This show is an f-ing crock, man. An f-ing crock.But I will be back next week. Why? Because next week Gary Busey is Project Manager! I am signingoff as the sun comes up, ready to sleep the Sleep of the Just.8

Celebrity Apprentice Recap: Tom Scharpling SaysDionne Warwick Is Not What Friends Are For By Tom ScharplingIt’s shocking that it has only been a week since we last checked in with the misguided and vaguelydamned participants that make up the cast of The Celebrity Apprentice. A large part of that isprobably thanks to Comedy Central’s airing the Donald Trump roast last Tuesday. For those whomissed it, the highlight was Marlee Matlin giving it to the Donald by way of Jack Jason, herinterpreter and a guy who I still feel is up to something, no matter how many denials MM herselfmakes on Twitter.And how about Donald Trump’s segment at the roast? He actually had the nerve to start acting likehe’s serious about running for president in 2012 by making his routine into a weird roast-stumpspeech hybrid. As if there are undecided voters at home who are saying, "You know, even though hewas sitting four feet away from people making jokes about how The Situation has AIDS, I wasn’t surewhether he should be leading our country. But when he quoted Charlie Sheen, he got my vote!"But on last night's CA, as soon as the dudes get back to the suite, the arguments start. Gary Buseygets in Meat Loaf’s face, complaining that he isn’t receiving the respect that he deserves. Meat Loafcomes off like the bedraggled manager of a TGI Friday’s, desperately trying to rally his disinterestedemployees into believing in the concept of Teamwork when all they can think about is punching out.But it’s sincerely touching to see Meat Loaf give a check to his charity the Painted Turtle, anorganization that gives seriously ill children a chance to go to camp. It’s a legit thing and Meat seemslike a good dude underneath all his loose screwiness. Good on you, Meat!9

When the cast is gathered to learn the rules of the next challenge, I had to pause to fix my television.Something was severely off with the color, because Trump’s hair was the shade of a meltedCreamsicle and his skin brought to mind an Oompa Loompa trapped in a tanning bed, replete withpale goggle marks around the eyes.The cast looks ready for this next challenge — La Toya Jackson is clearly still an officer in the sameparamilitary organization that her brother proudly served in, and Hope Dworaczyk is wearing ashockingly bright green jacket, representing the only statement she has made on the show to date.And the theme this time is CAMPING! The teams are to create an outdoor camping experience withRVs donated by some company that I won’t say the name of here because they have gotten enoughpublicity on my TV last night and I wouldn’t want the exposure here to provide the tipping point. Iwould not be able to live with myself if there were riots at their stores tomorrow because too manyexcited recap aficionados caught Camping Fever through my wordsmithery.Team Backbone selects Gary Busey as their project manager. I love how John Rich — who is one ofthose country dudes who doesn’t hesitate to brag about how country boys can do this and can do thatand are the greatest thing that ever walked the earth — is suddenly quiet when it’s time to picksomeone who might have some experience with the fucking outdoors. I question this guy’s countrycred — or should I say his bona fides? Anyway, he looks more like Joey Pants auditioningfor Midnight Cowboy 2: Buck in the Saddle than an actual country singer.Team ASAP selects Niki Taylor as their project manager because she claims to know about camping.But before you know it, Star Jones is back to her meddling ways. She’s dominating the proceedings,even though she claimed that she was done with such shenanigans. If I didn’t know better, I’d saythat she was going back on her word. You’d almost think she was on a reality show!Both teams get sent to a site to do some shopping for their campsites. The ladies arrive first but leavelast because they did so much shopping. And the guys breeze in and out seeming not to care aboutbuying things. It was so stereotypical that I had to check the credits to see if this episode was writtenby Bill Hoest! Get it?! The guy who wrote The Lockhorns?! You get it.As Team Backbone rides back to their home base, Richard Hatch makes the mistake of calling thefans of country music "less educated," and John Rich immediately takes offense, basically saying thathe’ll fight anybody who could possibly think that fans of "Drinkin’ ‘bout You" could be "lowintelligent," to quote the country superstar.And now this guy is Joe Country all of a sudden. Where was all this country ’tude when it was time topick a project manager? And I will say this: I don’t think that country music fans are dumb. I loveplenty of country music. But I do honestly think that fans of this guy — award-winning director PhilMorrison excepted! — are maybe a little dumb. Remember that Big & Rich are the pioneers of "hickhop." They’re the same guys who introduced the world to Cowboy Troy, and we must never forget.Once the dudes return to home base, Gary Busey shows his questionable leadership skills by tellingboth Mark McGrath and Richard Hatch that they could pull the trigger on ordering shrubbery for theoutside of the campsite. And when McGrath questions Busey’s mistake, he gets belligerent with theself-described "rocker/TV host," denying he ever granted McGrath’s request. Even though he seems alittle whiny at times, Mark McGrath possesses an affable likability. He’s the meathead who used tohang out with horrible people but knew when to get out, like Dirk Diggler or Ishmael.Ivanka Trump — whose Ivana-heavy genetics have worked hard to expunge any blockheadedphysicality of her father — visits the dudes and finds them with absolutely no sense of purpose. It10

almost feels like a porno movie watching her walk into the RV to find Jose Canseco lounging on acouch, looking like a stuntman taking five from filming Ed Hardy: The Movie. She rightfully leavesTeam Backbone with serious questions about their focus.Every season of The Celebrity Apprentice seems to have one contestant who doesn’t really want tobe there. They’re excited to be back on television, but the notion of actually participating is justbeneath — or beyond — them. Past sleepwalkers included Andrew Dice Clay, Tom Green, and DennisRodman, and it seems we can add Dionne Warwick to the ranks of the disinterested. But unlike thoseaforementioned fun-loving scamps, Warwick seems truly unlikable. She comes off as the World’sWorst Grandmother, more interested in ducking out of the trailer to do some pointless shopping atBed Bath and Beyond than actually staying behind to do some work.And then with one hour to go before the presentation, Warwick is on the phone paying her bills. Youwere not drafted to be on this show, Dionne. And the world should not suffer because you cannot livewithout some refracted version of your past fame filtering back through your dumb tintedsunglasses. The Dell Dude would’ve filled your seat with an enthusiasm that would’ve made ourhearts sing!Over at Team Backbone, things have not gotten any more productive — Busey and Canseco actuallyput on baseball mitts and start playing catch. This enrages McGrath so much that he starts filmingthem with a cell phone so he will have proof of the project manager horsing around when the fightgoes down in the boardroom. I’m with you, Mark. If only there were some cameras present todocument such egregious behavior!But somehow the dudes get their site built up to the point where it doesn’t look too horrible. Andwhen it’s time to show their site to the public, they have their raps down cold, with the exception ofMeat Loaf, who fails to realize that there’s a flat-screen TV hidden behind a panel outside the RV.McGrath starts whining to him about how they now "look like idiots." Isn’t (wasn't) this guy a rockstar? Doesn’t he realize that none of this is actually real?The ladies are not faring as well. Niki keeps getting our century wrong, saying "20th century" insteadof "21st century" to the customers during her spiel. She is subsequently compromised by Warwickthrowing a mini tantrum in front of the public. Niki thankfully gives her the royal brush-off, whichdrives a huffing Dionne to call Niki a "hussy" behind her back. Hussy? Seriously? But in her defense,she’s 70 years old. She’s probably a little tired from all those years of singing. And from ripping offpeople who believe in phone psychics. And from not paying all those taxes that she owes the state ofCalifornia. (What is it with this show and tax cheats?!)Even though I never watched NeNe Leakes on The Real Housewives of Atlanta, I like whenever shetalks to the camera on the show — she’s pretty funny and has a fun edge to her, like she realizes thewhole thing is a goof and she’s having fun with it. And La Toya Jackson seems so sweet and brokenand scared, trying so hard to hold it together. When the dude from Camping World said that sheknew the RV better than some of his employees, I wanted to cry for her a little bit. She’s the oppositeof NeNe — she seems to be taking the whole thing very seriously — but I salute them both! And yes, Irealize I said the name of the company two sentences earlier. If you dare venture to one of theirlocations tomorrow, don’t blame me if you get your head stomped on like a Minor Threat audienc

1 The Celebrity Apprentice Premiere Recap: Tom Scharpling Shoots Fish in a Barrel By Tom Scharpling When the fine people at Vulture asked me to recap season eleven of The Celebrity Apprentice, the first thing I did was pick up the phone and call famed funnyman Paul F. Tompkins, who is currently