Scars By Rachel Loveday

ScarsBy Rachel Loveday

CONTENTSI Still CryCowardiceNiceIt Must Be Good To Be YouPlaying With FireLone WolfAngel In HeavenSoldier Of LoveFat Girls Want To Be Beautiful TooGive And TakeThe War Of Moving OnBittersweet GoodbyeSurrenderFeel The ReleaseLittle Miracles

I STILL CRYI still cry—when I hear your nameand the good words that flowafter it’s calledby the people who love youwho smileand hide their tearswhen they remember you.No memory is ever the same.I still cry—when the months and the years pass by,and the world stopsto remember you.Remember when you left this worldand the day we had to say goodbye.I still cry—when I talk about you,to those whom you never knewand never had the joyof knowing you.I still cry—when I think of all the years you’ll missand the adventures that are out of reachand the sights that you’ll only seeby looking down from the clouds.Missing out on viewing it all up close.I’ll never stop crying for you

no matter how much time goes by.These tears are only for you.

COWARDICEYou hideyou hide behind your keyboard,your screen and your phone.You think it makes you anonymousbut you can easily be traced.You think because you can’t be seenthat it makes it okay for you to be mean,it’s easy for you to hide—when you have no spine.You think this puts me in my placebut you’d never say this to my face.Being proud doesn’t changethat you’re a coward.I will not defend youwhen you attack meand you can’t undoyour own doing.One day this will haunt you,come back to you,You can’t hide foreveryou know.You’ll have to show yourself one dayand when you doI’ll be the firstto say hello.

NICEI’m nice!When you walk in and out of my lifewhen you can’t seem to decidewhat you really wantand whether you even care!I’m nice!When you run away and hideand leave everything behindand come backat the worst possible time!I’m nice!When you show up out of the blueAnd say things that aren’t even true!Why is there no room for truth?No good deed goes unpunishedthere seems to be no karmafor the kindness malnourished.Explain to mehow this is fair?I guess that’s just lifeBut I’ll never stoptrying to be nicethat is justmy life!

IT MUST BE GOOD TO BE YOUYou have swaggeryou’re a lookeryou’re a charmeryou’re funyou’re a talkeryou’re a walker.You have the jobyou have the driveyou’re the smooth operatorthe bosses’ dreamthe envy of everyone.You balance liesflip between your two sideseveryone thinks you’re perfectbut they don’t know your secrets.But it doesn’t matteras you keep up appearances.Everything works out for you,nothing goes wrong.Life is kindand love is blind.You have everything you wantIt must be good to be you!

PLAYING WITH FIRENo!Don’t light that flame!There’s a reasonthat you lost that game.You don’t want to feel ashamedRemember you are no longer the same.Don’t give inDon’t give upYou don’t need anyonebut you.Yes!You grew a self esteemYou don’t need to fall on your kneesand beg to be his queen.Not anymoreRemember to show him the door!Don’t give inDon’t give upYou don’t need anyonebut you.No!You’ll never get what you desireYou’ll just be where you were beforeYour heart will be broken to its coreNo! Don’t light that flame!There’s no point playing with fire.

LONE WOLFThere’s family who have their own motivesThey’re selfish and have greedand want to succeedand have everything that they wantand don’t care about the costs.Do you see?Why I love alone.There’s friends who want you to fit inwith no fight, to just give ineven if you’re not comfortablein your skin.Do you see?Why I walk alone.I’m supposed to travel in packseven though my needs lackfor everyone else.They fish for sympathy,feign empathythey want my life to revolve around thembut they don’t careabout returning the favour,they have no problemwith stabbing me in the back.Do you see?Why I travel alone?Despite what you tell me to believeand the rumours you conceiveto try and have me concede

there’s nothing wrong with meleave me beI’m happy to be aloneso leave me alone.I don’t need anyoneI’m proud to be a ‘one’I’m proud to be a lone wolf.

ANGEL IN HEAVENI heard the newsfrom your baby girlshe simply said “he’s gone”I thought “that’s okay”eighty-four yearsyou gave it your allyou don’t have to battle anymore.You were a son,a brother,a husband,a father,a grandfather,a friend ,a survivor.You fought so hardbut it was just too muchfor that big loving heartand your belovedwho you’ve always held close to your chestcame and rescued you.Now you and your beloved (Isabel) are together againwatching over us,now you’re angel in heaven.

SOLDIER OF LOVEI’m told love is out therebut it doesn’t seem fairthat others can find it before me.Nothing seems to be good enough for cupid—whether I’m fat or thinsmart or stupidhiding or trying or even lovingI’m still missingthat special someone.Will I ever find him?Will he ever find me?Is love meant for me?Is it really meant to be?These questions are the keyto finding what I need.Half the battle is in the beliefand finding exactly what I seekI’m just looking for unconditional lovelike everybody elseI’m just anothersoldier of love.I’m told that good things come to those who waitbut what if it’s too late?What if love isn’t part of my fate?When will this internal warbetween belief and reality end?I guess I’ll have to believe and battle on

like everybody elseI’m just another soldier of love.

FAT GIRLS WANT TO BE BEAUTIFUL TOOFashion storesin the mallpromote skinninessthrough their mannequins.A size 12 is an extra largeor “XL”.The sales girls are judging,wonderingwhat you’re doing there.It’s hard to love fashionwhen it doesn’t love you.Fat girls want to be beautiful too.Lingerie,the lace, the slipsand the transparencyare only shown in certain sizesand worn by women with small waistlines.Is this what sexy means?That I’m only desirable if I’m lean?Fat girls want to be sexy too.Beautyis in the eyes of the beholderbut men only seem to seethe thin, fit girls.There seems to be no place for the curvy girlsin a man’s line of sight.It’s hard to find lovewhen you’re invisible.Fat girls want to find love too.

CurvyPlus sizeLovelyExtra lovelyBigOverweightFatWhy is there the need for euphemisms and labels?Why can’t we all be the same?Fat girls want to be equal too.Fat girls are beautiful too.

GIVE AND TAKEEvery relationship requires give and takeand not just for survival’s sakethat’s not just what relationships make.You’ve got to be willing,you’ve got to try,you can’t always pryyou’ve gotta be there when they cryand they should be there when you cry.You can’t always have the attentionbecause it’s gonna cause nothing but tensionYou’ve gotta let others have their moment in the sunbecause celebrating it together is always fun.There’s a fine line between give and takeit’s a hard balance to maintainsometimes there more of one than the othersometimes you feel that you give more than you takeand you don’t know how much more of it you can take.Sometimes you wonder whether you should leave or stayand wonder if it’s worth throwing it all away.Sometimes good things can happento restore the balance and keep it at bay.But for some others it’s not enoughand everything just fades and frays.Every relationship requires give and takeand not just for survival’s sakethat’s not just what relationships make.

THE WAR OF MOVING ONI know it’s overand I have to walk forwardbut I don’t know howto take that first step.And how can I put my feet on the groundwhen I can’t stop falling?I can’t keep looking backand expect you to be following mewhen you turned aroundand walked away.I can see you nowwalking towards the horizonout of sightout of my life.The road aheadis long and windyI keep tripping and fallingand wondering how love—can be sweet and sourand eventually turn bitterbut I’ll keep walking.I’ll lock the chains on my heartand hold the key for safekeepingand hope one daymy past will stop following meand I’ll stop looking over my shoulder.The pain will heal

And my heart will meltand one day I’ll remember how it feltto be lovedand one day, I’ll open my heart again.Until thenI’ll walk alone.

BITTERSWEET GOODBYEIt’s been a long time coming,but yet it snuck up on usfrom the very first daywe knew it would come,but it doesn’t make it any easier.We have been together,but we have to be freewe have to graduateto other ventures.But we’ll come back togetherone day.We’ll follow each otherand share our successes,and comfort our lows.We’ll hold our heads and our names up highand be proud to say‘I knew you way back when.’My friendsMy familyMy creativeand intellectual soul matesI’m sad and happy,I’m smiling and crying.Never changeNever leaveNever forgetHold on to the fact that it’s bittersweet

and remember.this won’t be goodbye forever.

SURRENDERThe time has comefor us to put our swords awayand surrender—Surrender to the realisationthat our war is overthe armistice has comeit is time for inner peaceand for us to hook on to a new lease,on our lives.The time has come—for us to surrenderand to always rememberwhat wascan never be again.It’s time to move onmy friend.This is the end—this is where we say goodbye.We shake hands, let gowalk away and move on.That’s the way it is,it iswhat it is.Surrender to the path forward.Surrender and Remember.

FEEL THE RELEASEBreathe.Feel the release.I’m in great painwill I ever feel like myself again?I’ve lost so muchand now I’m afraid ofanother human’s touch.I’ve lost love to deathall my living have leftthrowing words that aren’t trueand leaving me in scarsfrom the knives they threw.They’ll never seehow much they hurt meand they’ll never carebecause they were never therefor me.I’ll pick myself up, I’ll dust myself offand move on.I’ll breathe.I’ll let it all goI’ll feel the releaseof all the bitterness leaving me.Breathe.Feel the Release.

LITTLE MIRACLESI lost my faith in lifewhen you both arrivedblessing me with your strengthentering this world at all lengths.You’re little miracleswhile you want to touch the skyyou’re not yet ready to flybut I know it won’t be longuntil you’re both soaring high,full of light and shining bright.You both entered this world a little soonbut there are so many people who love youwho would move the whole world for you:the sun and the moonand the stars,no matter how near or farthat’s how much you both mean to all of usAs you’re little miracles.There will be times where it’ll be hard to copebut everyone is full of hopeas you both are little miracles.

but you’d never say this to my face. Being proud doesn’t change that you’re a coward. I will not defend you when you attack me and you can’t undo your own doing. One day this will haunt you, come back to you, You can’t hide forever you know. You’ll have to show yourself one day and when you