Mary Gossart, MS - Advocates For Youth
Mary Gossart, MSSpanish translation: Bojana StefanovskaPlanned Parenthood Health Services of Southwestern Oregon
Mary Gossart, MSSpanish translation: Bojana Stefanovska2002third editionPlanned Parenthood Health Services of Southwestern Oregon1670 High St.Eugene, Oregon 97401541-344-1611 x 23
THIS IS AN OPPORTUNITY TO MAKE A DIFFERENCEThe changes in sexual attitudes, behaviors, and lifestyles that have taken place in our society presenttoday’s parents - and children - with some of the most complex issues they will ever confront.The importance of sexuality education has never been greater. Today, more than ever, parents,schools and communities seek ways to work in partnership to provide that education.“There’s No Place Like Home. For Sex Education” / “No hay lugar como el hogar. para laeducacion sexual” is designed to promote such a partnership. This project consists of reproducibleparent newsletters in both English and Spanish which can be photocopied and distributed viaschools, religious organizations, community agencies, etc. Five newsletters are available for everyage/grade level, pre-school through grade twelve. Each issue contains sexuality information relevantto a particular developmental stage, useful strategies, communication hints, and suggested resourceswhich support parents in the role of primary educators of their children.This valuable tool assists families in communicating more openly about sexuality. Suchcommunication can serve to: allow for the sharing of family valuesprovide accurate information to childrenbuild effective decision-making skillscounteract negative and exploitive sexual messages in the mediaFamily communication about sexual issues can be a vehicle for shaping positive, affirming attitudesaround sexuality, and it can help to reduce the consequences of sexual ignorance: embarrassmentand discomfort, early sexual activity, unintended teenage pregnancy, sexually transmitted infections,sexual abuse, and exploitation. These problems cost us dearly - both in human and economic terms.YOU ARE WELCOME TO PHOTOCOPY THE ENCLOSED SET OF NEWSLETTERMASTERS AND PROVIDE AGE-APPROPRIATE ISSUES TO THE FAMILIES YOUSERVE. Just imagine. reaching out to hundreds, perhaps thousands of families. As you distributethese informative newsletters, you seize the opportunity to make an important difference., tochildren, their families, and your community as a whole. Developed by Mary Gossart, Director of Education & Training, Planned Parenthood Health Servicesof Southwestern Oregon. Spanish translation by Bojana Stefanovska. 1999 English—Spanish editionfunded in part by The Collins Foundation, Meyer Memorial Trust, and The Herbert A. TempletonFoundation.
Dear Parent,The changes in sexual attitudes, behaviors, and lifestyles that have taken place in our societypresent today's parents - and children - with some of the most complex issues they will everconfront.The importance of sexuality education has never been greater. Today, more than ever,parents, schools and communities seek ways to work in partnership to provide that education.Experience tells us that most parents want to talk openly with their children about sexuality, yetoften feel ill-prepared to do so. When to start? What to say? How to best express the familyvalues you want so much to share with your children? These are but a few of the issuessurrounding family communication about sexuality.Frequently parents look to schools, religious groups and community organizations for assistance- seeking information, skills, encouragement, support. “There's No Place Like Home. ForSex Education” is designed to offer just that.“There's No Place Like Home.” consists of reproducible parent newsletters to assist you inyour unique role as the primary sexuality educator of your child. Five newsletters are availablefor every age/grade level, pre-school through grade twelve. Each issue contains relevant, agespecific sexuality information, useful strategies, communication hints, and suggested resourcesto support you in your efforts. You are welcomed and encouraged to photocopy this material foryour use.Family - based sexuality education can: allow for the sharing of family valuesprovide accurate information to childrenbuild effective decision-making skillscounteract negative and exploitive sexual messagesin the mediaOur commitment to children and families leads us to join in partnership with you in pursuit ofthese important goals. To that end, we are pleased to offer you this valuable parent resource. Newsletters developed by Mary Gossart, Director of Education & Training, Planned ParenthoodHealth Services of Southwestern Oregon. Spanish translation by Bojana Stefanovska. 1999 English-
Spanish edition funded in part by The Collins Foundation, Meyer Memorial Trust, and The HerbertA. Templeton Foundation.
Age 3 - No. 1Sex Education?MyChild’s Only 3 Years Old!.well then, already s/he has received a wealth of messagesabout sexuality - three yearsworth, in fact. Just think about it: when infants are touched andcuddled, they learn that they arelovable. Choices of clothing (pink vs.blue), toys (dolls vs. trucks), playtime activities (tea party vs. baseball) all present messages aboutmale/female roles and expectations. Seeing a brother, sister, orparent in the shower teachesabout physical differences between males and females. A parent’s willingness (orlack of) to respond openly andhonestly to the question, “Howdid the baby come out?” conveysan attitude about the subject ofsex.The fact is, you have been educating your child about sex allalong - through your words aswell as through your silence; inyour verbal and non-verbal communication. Your responses andreactions have taught your child agreat deal about sexuality - notonly in terms of information, butalso in terms of your values andattitudes.You cannot avoid being yourchild’s primary and most important sex educator. nor would youwant to. As a parent, you exert amost powerful influence overyour child’s sexual attitudes anddevelopment. The family experiences you shape, from the moment your child is born, help determine the extent to which s/hedevelops positive, healthy feelings about sexuality.Yet the thought that sex educationbegins at birth is, for many, anovel idea. The unsuspectingparent may allow several formative years to pass before the realization sets in: children - evenvery young children - deservethoughtful, purposeful sexualityeducation. As parents more consciously attend to that education,they prepare their children to facethe challenges - and sexualchoices that lie ahead.OK - When My ChildAsks, Then We’ll Talk.but will you recognize the asking? Children are interested insexuality long before they canverbalize the questions. For example, a pre-schooler may wantto watch daddy in the shower ortouch mommy’s pregnant belly.These present ideal “teachablemoments” to pass along lessonson anatomy, reproduction andbirth.When parents take advantage ofsuch opportunities, they not onlyprovide important factual information, they also affirm theirwillingness to discuss sexual issues with their children. Thishelps establish an atmosphere ofcomfort and trust which encourages children to seek additionalsexual information from parentsin the future.You needn’t worry about tellingyour child “too much too soon.”S/he will simply absorb what s/hecan and show boredom with therest (you know the signs: glazedeyes, yawning, leaving theroom.). Your comments are notwasted. S/he may not have gottenall the detail, but clearly the message is “mom and dad are‘askable’.”Danger lies not in “too much toosoon,” but in “too little too late.”When parents recognize the asking and respond openly and lovingly, they are well on the way toproviding quality family sex education. 1999 PPHSSO 1670 High St., Eugene, OR 97401Gossart/Stefanovska
Age 3 - No. 2Of Storks and CabbagePatchesand it provides a sense of howmuch the child already knows.A 3-year-old’s view of the worldis a very literal one. For example,when told that a baby is growingin mommy’s tummy, a child mayask, “Why did she eat the baby?”The vision is one of a baby mixedwith food in mommy’s stomach.Anything other than truthful,simple answers only creates confusion.The second response can besomething simple, and honest:“You started as a tiny egg insidemommy’s body.” This alonemay well satisfy the child (although probably not), yet it leavesthe door open for further discussion.Beyond confusion, a sense ofmistrust may develop when achild, told by her parents that thestork brought her, later discoversthe truth. Through all this, themessage implied is that sex isnegative - and not an ok subjectto talk about openly, honestly.Concocting fables in response tochildren’s sexual questions is adisservice to them. Their questions deserve truthful answers scaled to their level of understanding, of course.For example, when a young childasks, “Where did I come from?”,a parent may at first say, “What afine question! Do you have anyideas about that?” This accomplishes three things: it clarifieswhat the child is really asking(S/he may simply mean “whatcity,” in which case you’re off thehook); it buys the parent sometime to collect his/her thoughts;The point is, honesty really is thebest policy. There’s certainly noneed at this stage to deliver alengthy description of intercourse,conception and birth. That’s notwhat your 3-year-old is interestedin now. S/he just wants some basic information.So relax. For the young child,sex doesn’t have the same emotional significance as it does foran adult. Keeping this in mindcan be a great help to parents asthey encounter their children’snormal sexual curiosities.Is Your Sexism Showing?During the pre-school years, parents have perhaps the greatest opportunity to influence their children’s sexual attitudes - includingones about sex role expectations.It’s a wonderful time to plant theseed that both boys and girls arecapable of just about anythingthey wish.When parents are careful to avoidstereotyping male/female roles,children learn that life optionsneed not be limited by their gender. This does wonders for theirself-esteem.Take advantage of the many simple opportunities to broaden yourchild’s perspective with regard tosex role expectations: Share household chores. Allow and encourage childrento play with toys and take part ingames that cross traditional lines it’s fine for boys to play withdolls and girls to play football. Read non-sexist literature toyour child - with males and females portrayed in a variety ofroles. Pay attention to language implying sex role limitations (ie.“fireman” vs. “firefighter”). Use“he or she” in reference to doctors, nurses, etc. It’s awkward,but makes an important point.Simplistic? Pointless? Don’t letthe subtlety fool you.Whenparents refuse to pigeonholemale/female expectations, theyallow a child’s “self” to blossom. 1999 PPHSSO 1670 High St., Eugene, OR 97401Gossart/Stefanovska
Age 3 - No. 3An Ear Is An Ear . and a penis is a penis, not a“wee-wee;” a vagina is a vagina,not a “down there.” When parentsuse incorrect names for sexualbody parts, the message is thatthey are somehow different orthat there is something wrong orunmentionable about them. Oftenthis results in children learning tobe embarrassed or ashamed oftheir genitals.Studies have shown the value ofteaching children the propernames for sexual body parts.Aside from promoting a positivesexual attitude, accurate terminology can at times become especially important. For example, if achild is trying to describe an injury or inappropriate sexualtouch, s/he needs to be equippedwith language more precise than“down there.”Frequently a child may refer tosexual body parts using termss/he's heard from friends. It's perfectly fine to say something like,“Some people call it a “wee wee,”but that's just a made-up word.The real name is “penis” andthat's the word we like you touse.”Such a simple, matter of fact response may seem somewhat trivial to us. To a child however, it'san important lesson - one whichencourages respect and a healthyattitude toward his body andsexuality in general.What's That?At age 3, a child is intensely curious about bodies - and not justher own. There's particular fascination with sex differences andbody functions. This interest maybe demonstrated in a variety ofways: “playing doctor,” wantingto watch mom/dad in the bathroom, genital play, comparingbody parts to other gender friendsor siblings.About this time, a girl begins towonder what happened to her penis, and a boy wants to know“what those are” (pointing tomommy's breasts). Opportunitiesabound for sharing informationon sexuality, growth and development. Q. What happened to my penis? A. You never had one. Only aboy has a penis. A girl has a clitoris. Q. Can I see where the babycame out of you? A. The baby came out through anopening between my legs calledthe vagina. I prefer not to showyou my vagina because it's a private part of my body. Would youlike to look at a book on how babies are born? Q. Why does Paul stand up topee, and I have to sit? A. It's easier for girls urinate sitting down. Their “pee” - the realname is urine - comes out througha small opening near the vagina.A boy urinates from his penis. Q. Can I have a baby when I getbig? A. Only a woman can have ababy, Johnny. She has a specialplace in her body called the uteruswhere the baby grows. Daddieshelp to make a baby. You can bea daddy when you grow up if youwant to.These are just some ideas on howa parent might respond. You willdecide for yourself how you wishto handle your child's questions.The point is, children are seekingbasic information at this stage,and deserve simple, honest answers. The important thing is forparents to respond in a supportivemanner. It's a nice time to get alittle practice. Take advantage ofthe easy questions now. it willhelp you respond to the hard oneslater. 1999 PPHSSO 1670 High St., Eugene, OR 97401Gossart/Stefanovska
Age 3 - No. 4Show Me Yours and I'llShow You Mine.Hmmm. Your 3-year-old Jennyand her little friend Will are playing quietly upstairs - too quietly.What are those kids up to?Uh-oh. Jenny's door is closed.Resisting the urge to waltz rightin (you've been teaching her aboutprivacy these days - respectingclosed doors and all that), youknock. Giggling bubbles up fromwithin Jenny's room, and youthink you hear a faint “come in”.so you do.There stand Jenny and Will thoroughly enjoying that classic preschool pastime, “playing doctor.”They have shed their clothes andare busily examining each other.Now what do you do?!You could respond with shockand anger: “What are you twodoing? Put your clothes on rightnow, and don't ever let me catchyou at that again! Will, I'm takingyou home!” Message: The children are bad; curiosity about bodies is wrong; nudity is wrong.This of course leaves the childrenfeeling confused, ashamed andhurt. After all, they were just displaying a normal 3-year-old interest in bodies.Perhaps you remain unruffled andacknowledge the children's curi-osity: “It looks like you two areinterested in how boys' and girls'bodies are different. While youput your clothes on, I'll get a picture book we can look at that explains all about bodies.” Message: It's ok to be curious aboutbodies; I prefer you keep yourclothes on; I'm willing to help youlearn.There are a number of ways aparent might react to this type ofsituation. When choosing yourresponse, remember to see thebehavior from a child's eye view.Pre-school children are fascinatedwith bodies. Their desire to checkout the differences between“yours and mine” is a natural partof their developing sense of selfand sexual identification.Since “playing doctor” is universally popular among young children, it's likely you'll be dealingwith it in your own family. Planyour response ahead of time,keeping in mind the messages youwish to express. In this way,rather than reacting in a kneejerk, perhaps negative manner,you can offer a thoughtful, positive response.A final thought . no matter howyou deal with this situation, it'simportant to discuss it with theother child's parents. They may ormay not agree with how you handled things, but will appreciatebeing informed. It gives them achance to convey their own family values and beliefs to theirchild.HELP!!!Relax. There's a lot of help outthere. in the form of books,films, classes, and resource people. Community schools and colleges may offer parenting classeswhich include sexuality education. Planned Parenthood is anexcellent source of speakers,books and pamphlets. Your localhealth department, private physicians, family counselors andmembers of the clergy often havevaluable insights into familybased sexuality education.For 3-year-olds and their parents,several good books are available.Preview them before using withyour child:Did the Sun Shine Before YouWere Born? Sol & JudithGordonBellybuttons are NavelsMark SchoenTalking With Your ChildAbout SexDr. Mary S. Calderone and Dr.James W. Ramey 1999 PPHSSO 1670 High St., Eugene, OR 97401Gossart/Stefanovska
Age 3 - No. 5There's a Time and Place. Or Is There?Pre-school children fondle theirgenitals for many reasons. Theymay be sleepy or bored, nervousor upset. and it's comforting;they may be in circle time listening to a story, or engrossed in aTV show. Pre-school childrenalso fondle their genitals becauseit feels good. If parents find thishard to acknowledge, perhaps it'sin the challenge of accepting thatchildren are sexual beings.Masturbation is a normal part ofdevelopment. Most experts agreethat this can be a healthy expression of sexuality, regardless ofage. However, some people disapprove of masturbation for religious or other reasons.The way in which parents react totheir child's genital play is important. Punishing, scolding, or pulling the child's hand away sends amessage that the genitals are bador dirty. It can foster guilt, shameand embarrassment.Parents who disapprove of masturbation could explain to theirchild - calmly and lovingly - thatthey believe this behavior isn'tacceptable. Simply telling thechild, “STOP THAT!” is rarelyeffective; neither is trying to distract them with another activity.Many parents do not object totheir child's genital play, yet feelcompelled (and rightfully so) todiscourage its occurrence say, inthe middle of the grocery store.It's perfectly fine to say somethinglike: “Sara, I know it feels goodwhen you touch your genitals.And it's something you do in private - not where other people cansee you.” This sends out a message about appropriate behaviorand respect for others. At thesame time, sexuality is kept in apositive light.Parents who accept masturbationmay worry that their child is “doing it too much.” Children willstop when they are satisfied, or ifthey become physically uncomfortable. Compulsive masturbation compulsive anything - may indicate a problem. If a parent noticeshis child is masturbating to thepoint where it interferes withother normal activities, it is timeto consult a physician or otherprofessional.The “Askable” ParentAttending to your child's sex education may be an awesome task.The reality is, you are the idealperson for the job. After all, youcan best convey the family valuesand beliefs surrounding this issue.Keep in mind a few tips tosmooth the journey: Parents: talk with one anotherabout the messages you want togive to your child about sex. Anticipate sexual questions andbehaviors. Plan and practice yourresponses. Answer questions as they arise.Replies such as, “Not now” and“You don't need to know that,”teach children it's not ok to ask.You can delay a discussion with“This isn't a good time now. Let'stalk after dinner.” Then followthrough! Tell your child if you're embarrassed. A comment like “This ishard for me to talk about, but I'mwilling to try” is wonderful! S/hewill appreciate your honesty. Answer simply and honestly,leaving the do
“There's No Place Like Home. For Sex Education” is designed to offer just that. “There's No Place Like Home.” consists of reproducible parent newsletters to assist you in your unique role as the primary sexuality educator of your child. Five newsletters are available for every age/grade level, pre-school through grade twelve.
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