THE MARRIAGE MANUAL - IFaith

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THE MARRIAGEMANUALHelping couples increase self-awareness and selfacceptance, strengthen coping skills, face problems with apositive attitude, and reach their full potential.BYLEE COBLEIGH

THE MARRIAGEMANUALA JOURNEY OFPERSONAL DISCOVERYBYLEE COBLEIGHMarriage is the foundation of the family, and the family is the foundationof society. If we strengthen marriage, we strengthen the family, westrengthen our children, and we strengthen the community. If your goalis to help improve the world, marriage is a good place to start.DISCLAMERThe information and other material (‘Content”) and services obtained arefor informational purposes only and are not intended to be, or serve as asubstitute for, professional advice, analysis or conclusions. We consider thisprogram to be an experience in which the client/s uses the results as a sortof mirror to look at their lives and use their own insight and experiences tosee things for themselves, and to make their choices, based on their ownexperience, not on the results of any tests or advice that we say. Thisinformation is provided “as is” and without any representations orwarranties of any kind.FOR MORE INFORMATION CONTACT:lee@ifaith.com www.ifaith.com1

THE MARRIAGE MANUALThe Marriage Manual is designed to provide apersonal perspective to couples or individualsconsidering marriage.The Marriage Manual will encourage and help couples to build abetter understanding and foundation for their married life.Thedecision to marry and to maintain a loving relationship requireunderstanding the dynamics of marriage and how your choiceswill affect your marriage.The Marriage Manual is based upon the reality that it'simportant to strengthen your relationship and to prepareconstructively for future challenges and conflicts which everycouple will inevitably face at some point in their marriage.The Marriage Manual provides couples with the necessary timeto learn, discover, and discuss specific matters. The earlier acouple begins spending time and energy on their relationship, thebetter their chances are of having a happy, fulfilling, andsuccessful marriage.The Marriage Manual offers special reading and homeworkactivities, which are designed to encourage couples and help assistthe couple by building a better understanding and foundation fortheir married life.It is never too late to talk about your expectations ofmarriage and of the understanding you have of yourself andeach other. Just a little effort can make your odds a whole lotbetter for success over the long run. You want to do everythingyou can to ensure that your dreams of a great marriage, and a greatlife are realized.2

THE MARRIAGEMANUALPART ONETHEMARRIAGECONNECTIONHAPPINESS IN MARRIAGE IS NOT SOMETHINGTHAT JUST HAPPENS. A GOOD MARRIAGE MUST BECREATED. IT IS NOT ONLY MARRYING THE RIGHTPARTNER; IT IS BEING THE RIGHT PARTNER.3

MARRIAGEMarriage results inevitably from there being two sexes of oppositepolarities, strongly attracted to one another. Marriage is the basisof social evolution without which society cannot progress.Marriage created the home, the crowning glory of social evolution.The family is where the child learns most of what that individualwill ever know about life.FINDING THE RIGHT PARTNERWHO YOU ARE AS A SINGLE PERSON, YOU WILL BEAS A MARRIED PERSON, ONLY TO A GREATERDEGREE. ANY POSITIVE CHARACTER TRAIT WILL BEINTENSIFIED IN A MARRIAGE RELATIONSHIP, ASWILL ALL THE NEGATIVE ONES.If you are looking for your right partner, the important thing toremember is that common underlying feelings and ideals willalways draw like-minded people together.While searching for your life partner it is important torecognize that the person you are with is supportive of yourefforts to grow and evolve, and is willing to support each otherin accomplishing your common goals.The purpose of a relationship is not for two incompletepeople to become one, but rather for two complete people tojoin together for the greater good.A marriage must be a whole relationship, one that is based on thewholeness of each person, not just on their personalities. Itmust be based on mutual respect, understanding, andacceptance of each other.It is very romantic to say that once your special other hasentered your life you feel complete. However, the purpose of arelationship is not to have another who might complete you, butto have another with whom you might share your completeness.4

NEED FULFILLMENTSome people still enter relationships for the wrong reasons, toend loneliness, or have someone to love. This kind of mutualmeeting of needs is what the world usually calls love. In truth,however, such a special love relationship is founded on ourperception of the other person’s capacity to give us what webelieve to be lacking in ourselves. I’ll trade you what you need,if you’ll give me what I need.When human love relationships fail, it is often because thecouple entered the relationship for the wrong reason. Mostpeople enter relationships with an eye toward what they can getout of the relationship, rather than what they can put into it.We become attracted to someone who seems to meet ourneeds best and they in turn are attracted to us for the samereason. Lust brings men and women together, but only parentalinstinct and the social mores keep them together.Couples now face more demands and have fewer supportsystems than ever before. The typical complex marriage involvesmanaging two careers while rearing children, and requires thatcouples have very strong, well-established abilities tocommunicate, resolve issues, maintain mutuality, and set goals.HAPPINESS IN MARRIAGE IS NOT SOMETHING THATJUST HAPPENS; A GOOD MARRIAGE MUST BECREATED. I T IS NOT ONLY MARRYING THE RIGHTPARTNER; IT IS BEING THE RIGHT PARTNER.In the family life that goes with marriage, one must learn toadjust one’s own temperament to that of others, who liveintimately with you. This is growth in spirit.5

PRE- MARRIAGE PREPARATIONSELF- EVALUATIONIT IS NATURAL TO HAVE SOME ANXIETIES ABOUTMARRIAGE. COUPLES WILL HAVE MUCH MOREFULFILLING MARRIAGES WHEN THEY BEGIN TOREALIZE WHAT FACTORS INFLUENCE A HAPPYMARRIAGE. EACH FACTOR INVOLVES MANY ISSUESTHAT AFFECT THE WELL-BEING OF ANY MARRIAGE.Pre-marriage preparation is based upon the reality that it'simportant to strengthen your relationship and prepareconstructively for future challenges and conflicts that everyonewill inevitably face at some point in their marriage.Know and understand there will be challenges and difficult times.Cultivate the technique of seeing problems as opportunities.Don’t try to avoid them; see them as opportunities to GROWthe relationship.When we encounter issues that are difficult for us to deal withprior to marriage, we have a tendency to think that love will takecare of the problems for us: it will be different after we getmarried, or I can change him or her. That doesn’t usuallyhappen. It is better to deal with issues before you get married,rather than after you’re married.Problems can intrude much more easily than most couplesrealize. Each factor involves many issues that affect the wellbeing of any marriage. A marriage is a relationship where bothpeople must listen, compromise, and respect one another.In a marriage relationship, individuals need to be aware of whothey are and the degree to which they will committhemselves to their partner. If these factors are mutuallyrealized and discussed by both partners, it will help ensure thesuccess of soulmates becoming solemates for life.6

UNDERSTANDING WHAT IS IMPORTANT (VALUED)IN A RELATIONSHIPMost couples believe the purpose of relationships is to make themhappy, and the way to do that is to get others to adopt their valuesystems and act accordingly.There are two things that other people can’t and won’t live upto: your values and your fantasies. Anytime you expectsomeone to live outside of his or her own value system, youcreate a false expectation.The moment you project onto other people and expect them tolive according to your values instead of their own, you startbelieving that they need to be changed, and you’re just the oneto do it.Every individual has a set of values. We each have somethingwe think is most important, second most important, thirdmost important, and so on. The only assurance you have aboutwhether your expectations are reasonable is to know your valuesand your mate’s values.During the infatuation phase, you see mostly one side of thecoin, the attraction, positive traits, and potential for happily everafter- but that’s delusional. Once you’ve lived through theinfatuation stage, and the other person doesn’t live up to thefantasy, you can start to resent him or her.Your values (what you feel is important) will tend to expressthemselves in some or all of seven areas of life, s piritual,mental, vocational, financial, familial, social, and physical.What you value or what is important to you individually andas a couple will become evident later as you answer somebasic questions.7

UNDERSTANDING YOUR RELATIONSHIPThe test of a relationship does not have to do with how wellthe other person lives up to your ideals, or how you seeyourself living up to his or hers. The only true test has to dowith how well you live up to your own ideals.There can be only one purpose for a relationship - to be andto decide - Who You Really Are. You must first learn tohonor and cherish and love yourself. If you cannot loveyourself, you cannot love another. You must first seeyourself as worthy before you can see another as worthy.WHEN YOU LOSE SIGHT OF EACH OTHER ASSACRED SOULS ON A SACRED JOURNEY, THENYOU CANNOT SEE THE PURPOSE OR THE REASONBEHIND YOUR RELATIONSHIP.Two people join in a partnership hoping that the whole willbe greater than the sum of the parts, only to find that it’sless. They’ve sometimes given up most of who they are inorder to be part of and to stay in their relationship.TWO HEARTS - TWO SOULS - TWO LIVES - ONE LOVEMarriage is patience and forgiveness. It’s being openand honest, thoughtful and kind. Marriage meanstalking things out, making necessary changes, andforgiving each other. It’s unconditional love - love thatsupports, comforts, and is determined to triumph overevery challenge and adversity.Your wedding is more than a long-awaited day; it is abeautiful beginning of all the days of your life together. Vowsare more than solemn words; they are promises made andkept within your hearts.8

Most couples have approached marriage as though a singlepartner were responsible for fulfilling all of their emotionaland physical needs. Couples often look to each other tofulfill all of their individual needs, which could be one of thereasons there are so many divorces.Traditionally, husbands are supposed to perform certaindesignated acts designed to fulfill all his wife’s needs, and thewife is supposed to fulfill the whole range, if not all, of herhusband’s needs.Partners who project their guilt onto their partners, blamethem for not fulfilling their needs, usually ends up creating anexclusive co-dependency. By expecting a particular person tobe responsible for one’s happiness and fulfillment, onecreates a relationship that is doomed to fail.Our marriage partner may be our soulmate, may be the onewho nurtures us, may represent our best friend, and may bethe channel through which our intimate needs are fulfilled.However, when the scope of a marriage is broadened, it allowsfor some of the needs of each partner to be fulfilled in waystheir marriage partner cannot meet. This creates a (whole)marriage, and not one based on one person alone.WEDDING VOWSI promise to protect you care for you comfortyou I promise to stand by you when times gettough. to have faith and strength as a couple, and tonever give up on us. I love you I want to spend therest of my life with you and be there for you.WHEN TWO PEOPLE PROMISE FAITHFULLY, LIVEHOPEFULLY, AND GIVE LOVINGLY, THEY SHARETHE GREATEST JOY IN LIFE.9

To find real happiness in life, we must develop ourselvesemotionally and spiritually. We can make commitments eventhough plans fall through. We can maintain our compassionand understanding no matter how unjust the world may beto us and not give up.The fact that there is much in life we cannot control meanswe may need a deeper spiritual understanding, a sourcebeyond ourselves that grants us the gift of transcending ourordinary limits. A spiritual grace that we are not alone; we arealways accompanied by a divine presence.Life is not perfect. You will make mistakes, but each timeyou meet life’s challenges together; you will grow wiser,stronger and surer of your love.There are five essential qualities of genuine love. Attention,acceptance, appreciation, affection, and allowing ourmate to be who they are, become difficult when webecome a Critic, Interpreter, and Advisor. Eliminating thesethree behaviors with your partner makes your communicationmuch more loving and respectful.In a marriage, you must understand the importance ofpatience, the art of compromise, the healing power offorgiveness. Marriage takes effort and giving with yourwhole hearts. It is a rare gift to be loved for who you are.The goal of a complete relationship is the developmentof a fully integrated human being.LOVE NEVER GIVES UP, NEVER LOSES FAITH, ISALWAYS HOPEFUL AND ENDURES THROUGHEVERY CIRCUMSTANCE.10

Your love is more than a wonderful feeling; it is a bondthat deepens with time, grows stronger and surer fromthis day forward. Every step along the way should lead usto go beyond “having love” to “being Love." It is impossibleto “Love” as long as they are just words. We need to gobeyond love being just a concept. When we become so filledwith love that we can love each other and not be reactive, wewill have gone beyond loving into being LOVE.Marriage is a partnership of two unique people who bringout the very best in each other and who know that eventhough they are wonderful as individuals they are even bettertogether.A marriage is a union in which two people learn from theirmistakes, except each other’s faults, and willingly adjustbehaviors that need to be changed. It’s caring enough abouteach other to work through disappointing and hurtful times,and believing in the love that brought you together in thefirst place. A marriage is a relationship where two peoplemust listen, compromise, and respect one another.Marriage is truly a journey through life, with the one youlove, as an equal partner, sharing both the commitment, andthe responsibilities, of your union together.Marriage is the closest kind of friendship. It is between twosouls with similar designs. What greater thing is there, thantwo human beings who feel that they are joined for life – tostrengthen each other every day, to be with each other in allsorrow, and to be there for each other no matter whathappens.The process of two becoming one requires a lot ofadjustments and a great deal of growing and maturingon the part of both parties. Marriage can only succeedwhen both parties see the very best in one another.11

FOUR ASPECTS OF LOVEThere are four different meanings of our English word forLOVE.Storge Love is the love of parents and siblings.Phileo Love is the love between special friends.AGAPE Love is the unconditional, unchanging, andpermanent love of GOD. It is a forgiving, nurturing, andsupportive way of relating to each other. It makes it possiblefor two to become one, for there are no longer any barriers.Eros Love is the love between two people who want tospend the rest of their lives together, love between husbandand wife.ALL FOUR ASPECTS OF LOVE MUST BE SHARED INA MARRIAGE RELATIONSHIP.Marriage is more than the expression of love. Marriageis a life-time commitment. You promise to cherish yourspouse as long as you live.Love is experienced differently by each of us, but for most ofus, five characteristics of love stand out. We feel loved whenwe receive attention, acceptance, appreciation, and affection,and when we are allowed the freedom to be who we are.In childhood, we need these five essentials to develop selfesteem and a healthy self-image. They are building blocks ofidentity, of a coherent human personality. What we need in thebuilding as a self is also precisely what we need forhappiness in our adult love relationships. Intimacy, at itsbest, means giving and receiving these five elements.A marriage is remembering how lucky both of you are tohave found just the right person to love, and just the rightperson to love you. And you get to spend the rest of yourlife with that one special someone.12

THE FIVE STAGES OF DEVELOPMENT IN ARELATIONSHIPSensuality is the physical desire that attracts us to eachother. It’s what we call chemistry.Personality is getting to know the human side of each other,the social makeup.Actuality is accepting one on a human level and the realityof things you cannot change.Individuality is when you desire to live up to your fullpotential.Spirituality is the recognition of the soul in one another. It isthe key to a successful marriage.SENSUALITYSensuality is the physical appearances and emotional arousalthat make couples first take notice to each other.PERSONALITYThe word personality is from the Greek word “persona”which means mask. On our personality level, we wear manymasks. We display a different face to people according towhat we think they expect us to be, or what will make afavorable impression. We all wear a mask. It’s part of ourpersonality.Most of us have developed a persona or social mask which isoften the opposite of what we feel inside. We sometimesdevelop this mask to protect ourselves from the outer world.Our social mask may help us present our best face to others,but as part of a couple, we must uncover what is beneath themask. The problem is that we think our personality is our“true self," who we are. Couples are usually on their bestbehavior when they are dating. (they are actors, puttingon a persona)13

ACTUALITYOur self-esteem determines how we see ourselves andothers. Your self-esteem reflects what you think and feelabout yourself. You acquire your self-image over time byconstantly receiving messages about yourself from thepeople closest to you and from your environment. Your selfesteem is a reflection of your image, of who you think youare. Your family is the earliest source of information aboutyourself. As a result, your subconscious mind graduallydevelops a picture of yourself that you come to believe asreal.Over time, we all discover parts of ourselves we tuckedaway in childhood. Breaking the hold of the past of our lives isan essential step in our self-discovery process. Despite theirbest intentions, married couples unknowingly repeat whattheir parents taught them and bring it into a marriage. Whenwe clear our past of outdated beliefs and unresolved issues,we advance our personal transformation, which results in amarriage that will endure.The first basic step is to accept responsibility for one’sself and to be honest with ourselves regardless of what weuncover, and to accept responsibility for fulfilling our ownpart of the marriage relationship.When you seek to define yourself beyond the personality,you move into a realm in which you will come to know andunderstand more of whom you are and who you choose tobe.The process of two becoming one requires a lot ofadjustments and a great deal of growing and maturing on thepart of both partners. You both must understand that as amarried couple you must become as one, accepting yourdifferences at the human level.14

INDIVIDUALITYTo find fulfillment, we need to live in a place ofunderstanding and self-acceptance. To work with the innerworld of our being, we need to recognize and confront all ofour underlying issues that may originate from our past andearly childhood. We need to focus on how we really feelabout ourselves. In the process, we may uncover manyfeelings about ourselves that have been tucked away, such as alack of self-confidence or low self-esteem. Such negativeemotions are what we refer to as our shortcomings.The underlying and most important questions to ask in amarriage is: what are my core values? What are the corevalues of my partner? Do we share the same corevalues?If your marriage is truly to succeed, you and your partnerwill have to work from this awareness of your inner selfidentity and self-worth. The only way you can bring aboutwholeness in a marriage relationship is through true selfawareness. This process is designed to help you functionfrom the awareness that you are a part of something, and thetwo of you are greater together.The strongest desire of any human being is to fulfill his orher full potential. Our life perspective is our fundamentalattitude toward life itself. It is the motivating force thatdetermines how a person perceives his or her relationship toself and to others. It embraces certain values, ideals, andaspects of life. It, thus, directs our behavior.Individualization is a process whereby the innate elementsof personality, the different experiences of a person’s lifeand the different aspects and components of the immaturepsyche become integrated over time into a well-functioningwhole being.15

THE IMPORTANCE OF UNDERSTANDINGPERSONALITY TRAITSWhen you better understand yourself and your mate’spersonality traits, you will be better able to understand howto deal with communication and conflict, become a wholeand integrated partner, and no longer a house divided.Objective / SubjectiveThe conflict between the two approaches has mistakenlycontinued to be dealt with as a competition. Both arenecessary, and no one should be judged for taking oneapproach or the other, because each person is naturally drawnto and able to understand life more succinctly via one than theother. It need not matter either or however; if we find, whichapproach predominates, we can consciously try to understandand incorporate the virtues of the other approach in our lives.Both are equally relevant and equally important. Each hasvirtues and each when followed exclusively and notunderstanding the other, has its faults.Introvert / ExtrovertExtroverts focus their attention and energy on the worldoutside of themselves. They seek out other people and enjoylots of interactions, whether one-on-one or in groups.They are constantly (and naturally) pulled to the outer worldof people and things. Because Extroverts need to experiencethe world to understand it, they tend to like a lot of activity.Extroverts get their “batteries charged up” by being withothers and usually know a lot of people.Extroverts are most comfortable doing their thinking outloud. In fact, Extroverts often need to talk to think.16

Introverts focus their attention and energy on the worldinside of themselves. T h e y enjoy spending time alone andneed this time to “recharge their batteries.” Introverts try tounderstand the world before they experience it, which meansa one-on-one or in small groups. Introverts avoid being thecenter of attention and are generally more reserved thanExtroverts. They prefer to get to know new people slowly.Introverts are more comfortable thinking silently.Thinkers / FeelersThinkers prefer decisions that make sense logically. Theypride themselves on their ability to be objective andanalytical in the decision-making process. They makedecisions by analyzing and weighing the evidence, even ifthat means coming to unpleasant conclusions. Thinkers canbe analytical to the point of seeming cold.Feeling refers to making decisions based upon personal values.It simply means making decisions based upon what isimportant to you and others. Feelers make decisions basedupon the ability to be empathetic and compassionate. Feelerscan be personally involved to the point of seeming overemotional. Check off the ones that most fit your personality traits.SubjectiveObjectiveIntrovert Extrovert Thinker FeelerChoose the ones that fit your mate’s personality r17Feeler

SOUL MATE SOLE MATESpirituality is an “inside job” and leads to a desire for deepercommunion. Unity and wholeness are found at the core of,and this discovery can overcome all sense of difference anddistinction allowing for a common understanding and mutualrespect and toleration.When a person is moving away from mere personalityconsciousness and growing into spiritual consciousness,he/she begins to exercise deeper and larger powers andintentions. The goal is the awakening of the conscious mindthrough spiritual awareness, where before our awareness wasonly on the personality level, now we begin to expand andwork in the universal or spiritual level.GROWING IN YOUR RELATIONSHIPMany common marriage problems involve the way ahusband and wife manage their conflicts. If you and yourspouse can learn to argue in a way that avoids certain "deadlytoxins" that can poison your communication, you can avoidsome of the most common marriage problems.WHENWEAREWILLINGTOACCEPTUNCONDITIONALLY THE THINGS WE CANNOTCHANGE, OUR CHOICES ARE TWO. WE CANBREAK UP, OR WE CAN FASHION A MORE MATURELOVE BASED COMMITMENT.LISTENINGYou may have to alter the entire way you relate to your mate.You can begin by working hard to understand by earnestlyseeking to know how the other person is feeling. The nexttime you are with your mate, try to gauge what he or she isfeeling. Don't just listen to their words, look deep inside tosee if you can get a handle on what they are feeling. Look pastthe words.18

PRACTICE ACTIVE LISTENINGThis is a form of listening in which you tune into thecommunication with the soul rather than of the mind of theperson before you. You can often understand a person'sfeelings a lot faster than you can understand their words.During an argument a person who listens to words ratherthan feelings will often throw another's words back in theirface, reciting perfectly what they've just said word-for-wordin order to make them feel like they are making no sense atall. Right about then is when the other person says, "Whydon’t you understand anything at all about how I amFEELING?" That is when you know that you have beenlistening to their words and have not been trying tounderstand how they are feeling. Feelings are the language ofthe soul. If you don’t take the time to understand how aperson feels, you won’t to be able to get to the bottom ofthe problem.If that other person thinks that he or she is your "soulpartner," this can be a devastating experience. They willwonder why you cannot hear them at the level of soul, butinsist only on taking their words apart, one by one, andanalyzing them to show them how silly they are being. A fewexperiences such as this can change a relationship forever.The fastest way to let someone know that you and they areone is to feed back to them exactly what they are feeling.Someone who was once very close to you can decide that it isnot safe to remain that close, because you have no idea at allhow they are truly feeling.This means giving up defense in all verbal exchanges evenarguments and realizing that if the two of you are one, thereis no one to defend against. This means honestly looking atyour own feelings and opening up to their feelings.19

NEGATIVE THOUGHTSIf you allow yourself to dwell on pessimistic thoughts orattitudes, you can expect to exhibit negative, self-destructivebehaviors in your marriage. Our thoughts are the seeds fromwhich our actions germinate. You are responsible for whatyou think, particularly as part of a marriage. It is at this levelthat you exercise choice, knowing that what you think iswhat you will experience and so will your marriage.PROJECTIONWe repress what we don’t want to know, and project it out onto someone else. If you don’t want to admit that thesethoughts are your own and exist in your mind, then youhide them and see them in others. The thought is denied,and the cause of the thought is the fault of someone else,namely your marriage partner. What we see in others may onlybe the result of our projections, and are not necessarily thetruth about them.ANGERWhen we are afraid of looking at something within ourselves,or our marriage, something for which we don’t want to acceptresponsibility, we become angry.DEFENSESWe use defenses to avoid the very belief against which weare defending. Defense mechanisms may be unconscious,but we utilize them to hide from the truth.SELF-ESTEEMYour self-esteem reflects what you think and feel aboutyourself. You acquire your image of yourself over time byreceiving messages about yourself from the people. Yourselfesteem is a reflection of your image, of who you think you are.Your family is the earliest source of information aboutyourself. As a result, your subconscious mind graduallydevelops a picture of yourself that you come to believe as real.20

LIFE LESSONSThe fact that there is much in life we cannot control meanswe may need a deeper spiritual understanding, a sourcebeyond our ordinary limits. Although everything changes and nothing remainsthe same, things renew themselves and move throughcycles that further evolution. Although things do not always go according to plan,we sometimes sense a larger plan at work that opensstartling possibilities. Although life is not always fair, something in usremains committed to fairness and refuses to be unjust orretaliatory. Although suffering is part of life, we have ways ofdealing with it, and thereby we expand our powers to handlefuture pain and help others in their pain. Although people are not loving and loyal all thetime, nothing has to get into the way of our acting withlovingkindness and giving up on others.Know and understand that there will be challenges anddifficult times. Cultivate the technique of seeing all problemsas opportunities. Don’t try to avoid them, welcome them andsee them as opportunities to fulfill what you came into therelationship to do, believing in the love that brought youtogether in the firs

2 THE MARRIAGE MANUAL The Marriage Manual is designed to provide a personal perspective to couples or individuals considering marriage. The Marriage Manual will encourage and help couples to build a better understanding and foundation for their married life.The

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