Difficult Conversations - NACADA

Difficult ConversationsCorban SanchezAcademic AdvisorNACADA Conference2011Douglas Stone, Bruce Patton, andSheila Heen of the HarvardNegotiation Project

Moving Toward a LearningConversationNormal purpose for having difficultconversations: Prove a point Give them a piece of our mind Get them to do or be what we want deliver a message!

Learning ConversationsMoving towards having a learningconversation: Appreciate complexity of the perceptionsand intentions involved Reality of joint contribution to the problem Central role feelings have to play asking information and information sharing

Learning ConversationsPurpose: Understand what has happened from the otherperson’s point of view Explain your point of view Share and understand feelings Work together to figure out a way to managethe problem going forward inviting the person into the conversation withus, to help us figure things out

What Happened ConversationTruthI’m right, you’re wrongAssumptionI know what your intentions wereBlameShe hit me first!

ArguingThe argument: We think they are the problem They’re selfish When am I going to be askedabout what I want? They’re controlling Why does it always haveto be her way? They’re irrational What about this makes anysense? They’re unprofessional Who in their rightmind would think that is appropriate to say?

ArguingWhat I say makes sense to me.What the other person says makes sense tothem.I am a character in my story and also a visitingcharacter in the other person’s story.My StoryBAM!TheirStory

Arguing Arguing blocks us from exploring each other’sstories trying to trade conclusions inhibits usfrom learning how the other person sees theworld.– Sex in the City - Carrie wedding vs Mr. Big wedding Arguing without understanding isunpersuasive people almost never changewithout first feeling understood.– Seek to understand before being understood

InterpretationsDifferent Stories – why we see the worlddifferently We notice different things:feelings/relationships, status/power,facts/logic – prove we’re right or avoid conflict,see ourselves as victims or has heroes,observers, or survivors We know ourselves better than anyone elsecan: our internal experience is far morecomplex than anyone can imagine.

InterpretationsDifferent Stories – why we see the worlddifferentlyInterpretations - same info, differentinterpretation: half empty cup vs metaphor forthe fragility of humankindHow we interpret: past experiences & theimplicit rules we’ve learned about how thingsshould and should not be done. (fight back orturn the other cheek, mind your own businessor confront)

I am so right about this because Our conclusions reflect self-interestWe tend to focus on things that are consistentwith what we want to believe and tend toignore, explain away and soon forget thosethat aren’t.A dose of humility about the “rightness” ofour story is key.

I am so right about this because .You and I see things differently and that’s ok –we don’t need to agree. Priest story “Youcan do God’s work your way and I’ll do God’swork His way.”Even when it seems the dispute is aboutwhat’s true, you may find that being the onewho’s right doesn’t get you very far. Find outwhy and try to understand their story.

Idea ShiftingHow can they think thatI wonder whatinformation they have that I don’t?How can they be so irrational?How mightthey see the world such that their viewmakes sense?

The And StanceRecognize how each you each see thingsmatters, how you each feel matters, bothstories matter.The world is complex – you can feel hurt,angry, and wronged – and they can feelhurt, angry, and wronged.They can be doing their best, and you canthink that it’s not good enough.

IntentionsWe care deeply about other people’s intentions towardus but don’t actually know what their intentions are. We assume intentions from the impact on us – Wefeel slighted; therefore they intended to slight us We assume the worst – They won’t be at thecommencement ceremony? Clearly they do not havea strong work ethic We treat ourselves more charitably – Whenemployees didn’t turn in things on time they werebeing irresponsible; When I didn’t get somethingdone on time it was because I’m overworked andhad more important things to get done

IntentionsBad intentions bad characterWe tend to settle into judgments about theircharacter that color our view of them andaffect not only any future conversations, butthe entire relationship.The worse our view of the other person’scharacter, the easier it is to justify avoidingthem or saying nasty things behind theirback.

IntentionsThink about some negative opinions you haveabout someone’s character Why do you have this view?What is it based on?If your conclusion is based solely on theimpact of their behavior on you then tryreconsidering your experiences and find outthe other person’s story.

Intentions1. Actions – What did the other person actually say or do?2. Impact – What was the impact of this on me?3. Assumption – Based on this impact, what assumptionam I making about what the other person intended?Then 1. Hold your view as a hypothesis2. Share the impact on you and inquire about theirintentions3. Don’t pretend you don’t have a hypothesis4. Some defensiveness is inevitable

IntentionsWhy aren’t you supportive of my decisions?Why don’t you listen to what I have to say?How is this appropriate? we are sharing our hurt, frustration, anger orconfusionthey defend themselves fromfalse accusations they think we are trying to provoke, accuse,malign them they are just being defensive –we’re right and they aren’t big enough to admitit.

IntentionsListen for feelings and reflect on yourintentions1. Listen past the accusation for the feelings –start by listening and acknowledging thefeelings, then return to the question ofintentions.2. Be open to reflecting on the complexity ofyour intentions – avoid the “my intentionswere pure” stance.

IntentionsAttributions can become self-fulfilling – ourbehavior is affected when we think others havebad intentions toward us.“They really don’t care about how I feel.”You become more sensitive about decisions thatare made and things that are said.They hear more complaints and start to thinkyou’re too sensitive or are whiney abouteverything so they become desensitized andstop caring about how you feel.

IntentionsGood intentions don’t sanitize bad impact We often don’t hear what they are reallytrying to say – work to hear what someone isreally saying.– A literal focus on intentions will cloud theconversation– You intended to hurt me you don’t careenough about me

IntentionsYou feel disregarded because a manager has made adecision that is contrary to what you requested.The manager does not want me to feel disregarded –“My intentions were not to disregard you but thestudent had already gone to the Dean and wascausing her a headache.”The real concern is not that the manager intended todisregard the employee but that the manager knewthat decision would negatively impact theemployee’s morale and the manager made thatdecision anyway – she chose to accommodate thestudent and Dean over the Advisor.

IntentionsIntentions are often more complex than just good or bad –they’re probably mixed and we might not even realize itI didn’t mean that, I didn’t intend that barrier to learningand I’m more interested in defending myself than I amabout investigating the complexities of what might begoing on for me in this situation.Thinking hard about your own intentions sends aprofoundly positive message to the other person – theymatter enough to you to work hard at discovering what’sgoing on with you in this situation.

Feelings ConversationDifficult conversations do not just involvefeelings, they are at their very core aboutfeelings.Difficult conversations without talking aboutfeelings is like staging an opera without themusic – you’ll get the plot but miss thepoint.

Identity ConversationUnderstanding who we are and how we seeourselves before, during and after a difficultconversation offers significant leverage inmanaging our anxiety and improving ourskills in the other two conversations.

Identity ConversationWhat does it say about you when you are theone delivering bad news? – is your selfimage as a person who helps and gets alongwell with others? If you’re no longer thehero, will people see you as the villain?

Identity ConversationWhat does it say about you when you have toconfront someone else’s behavior? – do youhave a strong self-image as a friendly andcaring person? If you’re not always amiableand easy going will you be seen asaggressive or as the trouble-maker?

Identity ConversationAnything that challenges our notion of ourselvesas competent, a good person, and worthy oflove can knock us off balance.You can improve your ability to recognize andcope with identity issues when they hit.Thinking clearly and honestly about who youare can help reduce your anxiety level duringthe conversation and significantly strengthenyour foundation in its aftermath.

Identity ConversationAvoid “All-or-Nothing” SyndromeBiggest contributing factor to a vulnerableidentity is “all-or-nothing” thinking: I’m eithercompetent or I’m incompetent, good or evil,worthy of love or not.Denial – the bigger the gap between what wehope is true and what we fear is true, the easierit is for us to lose our balance.Exaggeration – letting feedback define who weare

Identity ConversationGrounding your identity1. Become aware of your identity issues soyou can spot them during a conversation.2. Learn to integrate new information intoyour identity in ways that are healthy – letgo of all-or-nothing thinking.

Difficult ConversationsDouglas Stone, Bruce Patton, and SheilaHeen of the Harvard Negotiation ProjectThis is only the beginning!Go forth and start conversing!

Difficult Conversations Corban Sanchez Academic Advisor NACADA Conference 2011 Douglas Stone, Bruce Patton, and Sheila Heen of the Harvard Negotiation Project . Moving Toward a Learning Conversation Normal purpose for having difficult conversations: Prove a point