SHANNON POPKIN - Kregel
Lessons from Jesus on Me-Free Livingin a Measure-Up WorldS H A N NON P OPK I N
Comparison Girl: Lessons from Jesus on Me-Free Living in a Measure-Up World 2020 by Shannon PopkinPublished by Kregel Publications, a division of Kregel Inc., 2450 Oak Industrial Dr.NE, Grand Rapids, MI 49505.All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced, stored in a retrievalsystem, or transmitted in any form or by any means—electronic, mechanical, photocopy, recording, or otherwise—without written permission of the publisher, exceptfor brief quotations in reviews.Distribution of digital editions of this book in any format via the internet or anyother means without the publisher’s written permission or by license agreement isa violation of copyright law and is subject to substantial fines and penalties. Thankyou for supporting the author’s rights by purchasing only authorized editions.The persons and events portrayed in this book have been used with permission. Toprotect the privacy of these individuals, some names and identifying details havebeen changed.The reader who is in an abusive relationship is urged to seek input from a trustedpastor or friend, especially when making “me-free” applications of this book thatwould compromise personal health and wholeness. This book is not intended toreplace professional care.Author is represented by the literary agency of Credo Communications, LLC, GrandRapids, Michigan, www.credocommunications.net.All Scripture quotations, unless otherwise indicated, are from the ESV Bible (TheHoly Bible, English Standard Version ), copyright 2001 by Crossway, a publishingministry of Good News Publishers. Used by permission. All rights reserved.Scripture quotations marked CEV are from the Contemporary English Version,second edition (CEV ). Copyright 2006 by American Bible Society. Used byPermission. All rights reserved.Scripture quotations marked NIV are from the Holy Bible, New InternationalVersion , NIV . Copyright 1973, 1978, 1984, 2011 by Biblica, Inc. Used bypermission of Zondervan. All rights reserved worldwide. www.zondervan.com. The“NIV” and “New International Version” are trademarks registered in the UnitedStates Patent and Trademark Office by Biblica, Inc. Scripture quotations marked NLT are from the Holy Bible, New Living Translation,copyright 1996, 2004, 2015 by Tyndale House Foundation. Used by permissionof Tyndale House Publishers, Inc., Carol Stream, Illinois 60188. All rights reserved.Scripture quotations marked VOICE are from The Voice . Copyright 2012 byEcclesia Bible Society. Used by permission. All rights reserved.ISBN 978-0-8254-4621-4, printISBN 978-0-8254-7606-8, epubPrinted in the United States of America20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 / 5 4 3 2 1
ContentsAcknowledgments . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 9Introduction: The Makings of a Comparison Girl . . . . . . . . . . . 111. From Measuring Up to Pouring Out 25Lesson 1: The Lines or the Spout . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 26Lesson 2: Green-Eyed Wisdom . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 34Lesson 3: Pride-Thickened Comparison Walls . . . . . . . . 40Lesson 4: A Rival Named Jesus . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 48Lesson 5: A Place to Belong . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 552. Comparing Your Sin and Mine 65Lesson 1: Sideways Disgust . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 66Lesson 2: An Empty Courtroom . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 74Lesson 3: God’s Chair Is Off Limits . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 82Lesson 4: Flipping My Ruler . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 903. Comparing Wealth 97Lesson 1: Putting My Name Tag on the Table . . . . . . . . 98Lesson 2: Camels Are Big; Needles Are Small . . . . . . . 105Lesson 3: Rewards Slipping Through My Fingers . . . . 1144. Comparing Skin-Deep Packaging 121Lesson 1: A Security Deeper Than Skin . . . . . . . . . . . . . 123Lesson 2: To Be Seen . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 130Lesson 3: The Inside of the Cup . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 139Lesson 4: Whitewashed Tombs . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 1475. Comparing Our Ministries 155Lesson 1: Expecting More . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 157Lesson 2: Lumped In as Equals . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 163Lesson 3: Frustrated “Firsts” . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 171Lesson 4: Lifting Up “Lasts” . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 177
6. Comparing Status 183Lesson 1: Equal Opportunity . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 184Lesson 2: Making Myself Small . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 190Lesson 3: Seating Requests . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 196Lesson 4: Mending Circles . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 202Lesson 5: A Broken and Poured-Out King . . . . . . . . . . 209Conclusion: “Lord, What About Her?” . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 217Notes . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .221
IntroductionThe Makings of a Comparison GirlI’ VE HEARD THAT your earliest memory says something about what’simportant to you. Mine took place at church when I was about fouryears old. We were in the balcony area, and I had been allowed to sit allby myself one row ahead of my parents and off to the side. I rememberfeeling oh so grown-up as I held my hymnbook high and sang alongproudly. But then came an interruption.I was startled by a lady behind me who leaned down to help turn myhymnbook (which she apparently thought was upside down) right sideup. As she placed it back in my hands, I scowled. The woman and herfriends were looking down at me with sweet yet patronizing smiles, andI didn’t like it. Not one bit.I whipped myself forward with my head held high and flipped myhymnbook back the other way. This is how I liked holding my hymnbook, thank you very much. So there.From my earliest years, I have loathed those moments when myshortcomings become painfully obvious. I despise being exposed orlooked down upon. I prefer for the whole world to see me as a vision ofsparkly perfection, as someone who has absolutely no flaws at all. Evenwhen my deficiency is to be expected (like not being able to read at agefour), my heart is bent on perfectionism, independence, and pride.As you can imagine, this tendency has not led to great freedom and11
12Introductionjoy. Instead it’s led to a great fear of what people think and what theymight say, a great drive to prove myself and measure up, and a greatdread of being found lacking.These fears, drives, and dreads are the makings of a Comparison Girl.LESS T HANDarla was one of my dearest friends in college. She and I had so muchfun together, laughing wherever we went. But there was one category inwhich I felt vastly inferior to Darla: dating.Darla had one boyfriend after another. If she tossed one guy backout to sea, not a week would go by before she was reeling in some new“catch.” I, on the other hand, had far less dating experience. Once in awhile I was asked on a date, and occasionally a short-lived relationshipwould blossom. But where Darla’s dating calendar had only a few openspots, mine had only a few filled.We never discussed this. I never said to Darla, “Why do more guyslike you than me?” But I wondered. Was she prettier than me? Was shemore fun to talk to? Was her personality more magnetic?I didn’t let these nagging questions wiggle their way to the surfacemuch. I loved my friend, and I didn’t want to be jealous of her, so I keptmy comparing private. I certainly wouldn’t have chosen for my datinginadequacies (especially in comparison to Darla) to be put on public display! But that’s exactly what happened.Darla and I were with a group of students at someone’s apartmentone day when somebody decided it would be fun to play a How WellDo You Know Your Date game. To play, several of the boyfriends in thegroup went into the kitchen to write down answers to a list of questionswhile their girlfriends stayed back in the living room. When the guyscame out, if the girls’ answers to the same questions matched what theirboyfriends had said, they would earn points.There weren’t enough couples, so Darla and I agreed to play as roommates. She went into the kitchen and I stayed behind, grinning when little Darla filed out with the broad-shouldered boyfriends, each of themcarrying a stack of answers on notecards.
Introduction13I only remember one question from that game—the one that mademy heart sink. The question was “How often do you go out on dates?”Here were my options:A.B.C.D.At least once a weekOnce every other weekOnce a monthLess than once a monthHow often did I go out on dates? Hardly ever! D was the obvious answer. But I wasn’t about to disclose that—not in a room full of guys I’d liketo date! I cringed at being known as “the girl who never gets asked out.”I only had a few seconds to prepare my answer, and the rationalization that went zipping around in my brain went something like this:“Okay, in the past year I’ve dated one, two . . . three guys, I think. Andeach time, I had about . . . um . . . maybe four or five dates? That’s fifteendates. About. We’ll round up to fifteen. So if you divide fifteen by twelve,that’s more than one per month. On average. So it’s safe to say that I goout on dates more than once a month . . .”“B,” I answered confidently. “Every other week.”Darla immediately looked puzzled. It was her turn to flip over thepiece of paper in her hands and reveal her answer, but she didn’t. Shejust stood there in that row of boyfriends, looking at me with a questioning gaze.Suddenly, my heart filled with dread. Thinking only of the impression I would make on the others, I hadn’t factored in the fact that Darlawas not privy to my secret game of multiplication-rationalization. Withthe soft tone you might use to gently correct a lying child, she said,“Shan . . .” It was clear that our answers did not match. It was also clearthat I was about to be pegged as “the girl who never gets asked out butpretends she does.” I was mortified.The others waited in silence, looking back and forth between Darlaand me as our eyes remained locked. I could tell by her pleading expression that she wanted me to change my answer, but that would be evenmore mortifying! To publicly label myself “the girl who never gets asked
14Introductionout but pretends—then confesses” was just too embarrassing. I couldn’tdo it.After delaying as long as she could, Darla raised her truth-revealingcard.“D. Less than once a month.”It was a sickening moment for me. An entire group of my peers hadwitnessed my obvious attempt at inflating my dating history, thenwatched it shrivel back down to its actual size.For many, many years, I never spoke of that event. Not even withDarla. It wasn’t until I was recounting college stories for my daughter(who attends the same university I did) that I was able to finally share—and laugh about—my dating life exposé experience. My daughter giggled, wide-eyed, and said, “Oh, Mom, that’s so awful!”I agree. It was!DESPISED INADEQUACYHas there ever been some truth about yourself that you tried to keephidden? Do you have any memories from decades past that are frozenin shame, too difficult to tell another soul? Have you ever stretched thetruth like a rubber band to make yourself look better only to have itsnap back in your face?There is something in us that despises our own inadequacy. We loathebeing thought of as “less than.” We long to be accepted and admired.Not overlooked or excluded. We want to measure up! And so we fall intothe habit of glancing sideways to measure ourselves against others.Have you seen those laser tape measures that flash a little red beam,then give instantaneous measurements? When I was a teen and youngadult, my mind was like a laser tape measure that never shut off. Wherever I went, I was taking measurements and wondering how I compared.I was consumed with thoughts like:What does he think of me?How do I look right now?Am I as pretty as she is?Did that sound dumb?
Introduction15I didn’t talk openly about my insecurities. I’m sure many of my peersthought I was confident and strong, but in the privacy of my heart, Iwas constantly measuring myself against others. I craved knowing whatpeople thought. How they measured me. How I ranked in comparisonwith others.When someone gave me a compliment, I treated it like pure gold.I would carefully tuck each one into little file cabinets in my mind,returning to my files often to assure myself that I wasn’t completelylacking.I also intuitively learned to use comparison to douse my insecuritywith pride. I would purposely look for a girl who didn’t measure up tome in some way. Maybe she wasn’t as smart or well-liked. Or she wasn’tquite as pretty. I would console myself, thinking, At least I’m better thanher. I told myself I was practicing gratitude, but really I was fosteringpride.T HE MOSTOne day when I was a young teacher, my principal pulled me asideand said, “Shannon, I want you to know, out of all the teachers in thebuilding, we’ve received the most parent requests for you. Keep up thegood work!” My heart just about exploded with pride.I was requested! I was more requested than the others! I modestlykept this information to myself, but in the months to come, wheneverI made a mistake or someone challenged my work, I would comfortmyself with the memory of my principal’s compliment. I would recallhis exact words and use them to push away my rising self-doubt. Thenmonths turned into years.I’m ashamed to think about how many times I reviewed those words.Years later, when those parents were as likely to remember which parkingspace they chose on the first day of school as they were to remember whichteacher they requested for their child, I was still dragging around the tattered memory of this expired compliment, like Linus with his securityblanket. You were the most requested that yearyear, I would tell myself. The most!It’s embarrassing to share that with you. It kind of turns my stomach.
16IntroductionAnd it’s even harder to admit that comparison still plagues me today. Istill sometimes worry more about what people think than what Godthinks. And I still intuitively want to douse my insecurity with nicethings people have said to me. As soon as this book comes out, I’m sureI’ll be tempted to obsess over its reviews and Amazon rankings.Social media doesn’t help me with this, by the way. I have such compassion for today’s kids who grow up with live data that they can useto measure themselves against others. They don’t have to wonder whatpeople think; Instagram and Snapchat offer proof.I have compassion for us grown-ups too. We’ve moved beyond comparing ourselves with other girls sitting in our classroom at school. Nowwe have social media to blow back the curtains on a million women atonce, allowing us to gather tangible evidence on how we rank. Who takesmore and better vacations than we do. Who spends more time on craftsand outings with their kids. Whose house is tidier and more updatedthan ours. Whose high schooler poses for selfies with Mom while minerequires a football field’s length between us at social events.Comparison, I’ve learned, is like a drug. The more we do it, the morewe want to. It becomes a compulsion to check how we’re measuring up.With our phones always at hand, it’s nearly impossible for us to makeit through even one afternoon without checking on our tallied clicks,likes, and comments.Comparison isn’t something we keep compartmentalized either. Itseeps into every part of our lives and follows us into every stage. We compare from the time we’re young moms until the time we’re grandmas,from the time we’re new employees until we’re retirees, from the timewe’re new brides until we’re fiftieth-anniversary celebrators. We simplycan’t stop doing this thing that robs us of our joy, drains our sense ofsignificance, and holds us back. We can’t stop playing the “comparisongame.”BUT IS IT A GAME?It’s ironic that we call comparison a game, because I’m pretty sureSatan thinks of comparison as a war strategy that he uses against
Introduction17us. Here’s what makes me say that. Comparison has two outcomes.Sometimes we compare and consider ourselves superior, which leads to: prideself-focusobsessive goal-settingperfectionismjudgmental criticisminflated arroganceobsession with performanceOther times we compare and consider ourselves inferior, whichleads to: humiliationself-consciousnessobsessive oathingjealousyI don’t want to be characterized by any of these, and I’m guessingyou feel the same. These are the ugly vices we’d like to be free of. Theyhold us captive, often for decades, which is exactly what Satan wants.Measure-up comparison isn’t a game; it’s an attack. And if we’re evergoing to escape, we’ve got to recognize our misconceptions and theenemy prompting us to believe them.The next time you hear a voice saying, “Look at that woman. She’sso much thinner than you,” please note that this is never Jesus speaking, always your enemy. And when you hear a voice saying, “Look at her.She obviously doesn’t know what’s in style,” remember that this is neverJesus speaking, always your enemy.
18IntroductionK ING JESUSPerhaps you’ve heard the famous quote attributed to PresidentTheodore Roosevelt, “Comparison is the thief of joy.” And if you’re likeme, you expect Scripture to back that up. But it doesn’t. In fact, I oftenhear Jesus inviting us to compare. Do you find that hard to believe?When Jesus came, walking in sandals on dusty roads and sharingour meals, stories, and pain, he encountered Comparison Girls whowere plagued with just as much jealousy, arrogance, condescension, andshame as we are. Yet Jesus didn’t teach them to renounce all comparison.Instead, many of his lessons included comparisons to make his point.Think of the stories Jesus told of the Good Samaritan, the Pharisee andthe tax collector, and the wise and foolish builders.Jesus also compared people in real life. Like when a widow donatedtwo practically worthless copper coins, and Jesus said she gave morethan the others. Or when Martha was complaining that her sister wasn’thelping in the kitchen, and Jesus said Mary had chosen what was better. Jesus used comparison words and comparison stories all the time,teaching a new upside-down way of seeing things.In the world, there is a particular way that things stack up. There’sa system in place, which works like this. If you want to be somebody inthe eyes of the world, you have to outdo somebody else. If you want to behonored, you have to get ahead. If you want to be important, you haveto prove that you have more and are more. In short, you have to measureup. And from the way we all scramble to try to do so, it seems obviouswe’ve gotten the memo. Yet here’s what we forget.This measure-up world and its ruler, Satan, are the two great enemies of God. It is out of hostility toward God that these enemies enticeme to live by the world’s rules and play its games. And then there’s onemore enemy: me. Because as the world and the devil call out, “Come playthe comparison game,” here’s my reality: I want to play! I want to bejealous. I want to push ahead. I want to pout when somebody else getsahead. Yet when I cave in to my sinful desire to measure up, I participatein a world system led by an evil ruler who wants to destroy me.One day very soon, Jesus will return to set up his kingdom, and onthat day the tables will turn. Everything in the world will be realigned
Introduction19under King Jesus. Many who are overlooked, undervalued, or considered“lasts” in this life will be the great ones in the life to come.Jesus invites you and me to live now the way we’ll wish we had then—rejecting our measure-up cravings a
But where Darla’s dating calendar had only a few open spots, mine had only a few !lled. We never discussed this. I never said to Darla, “Why do more guys like you than me?” But I wondered. Was she prettier than me? Was she more fun to talk to? Was her personality more magnetic? I didn’t let these nagging questions wiggle their way to .
Shannon information theory, usually called just 'information' theory was introduced in 1948, [22], by C.E. Shannon (1916-2001). Kolmogorov complexity theory, also known as 'algorithmic information' theory, was introduced with different motivations (among which Shannon's probabilistic notion of information), inde-
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The Academic Phrasebank is a general resource for academic writers. It aims to provide the phraseological ‘nuts and bolts’ of academic writing organised according to the main sections of a research paper or dissertation. Other phrases are listed under the more general communicative functions of academic writing.
