Notes - Stephen H. Wolinsky Ph. D. - Home

The dreamWithinTheDreamIINisargadatta Maharaj (paraphrased), the IAm, that felt sense of isness or beingness isthe backbone of all other states.The inner emptiness and the pain was alwaysin the background ready to infect me. Itmattered not how much drugs, sex, school,psychotherapy, meditation, or spiritual practiceI dived into.The inner emptiness and the pain was like ashadow ready to leap on me.I truly only wished to be like everyone else,to fit in, to play the game and not have thisknowing that it was a game. Instead, I alwaysknew it was a game, and I imagined everyoneelse did too. By my late teens I was puttingall my energies into erecting a self-image - alook - trying to figure out what the outer worldwanted, and enacting it so I could survive, be21

accepted, and be loved.The problem was the more images I developed,the more I had to put energy into keeping themalive and defending them.Ironically, imagining the images which Ithought would get me out of pain and relievethe pain only lead to more pain.An increasing number of masks were erected tohide what was really going on and to hidethe gnawing inner emptinessI began to feel a bit crazyWhy weren’t people talking about this?Does not anyone else have thisexistential–existence-ism experience?The inner emptiness was not being mentionedin conversation!Why was it being avoided in conversation?Maybe people did not want to deal with theirown emptiness?How can I “fit in”?My experience seemed so differentI felt distant from other people, and all theattempts made and efforts through sharing andcommunication to not feel disconnected onlyexacerbated the problem.22

It seemed that most self-help was an attemptto cope better and to be more, do more, havemore and create more in a feeble attempt at“happiness.”So what do I do?It wasn’t until after years of therapy that Irealized that peoples’ images were attemptsto not know, overcompensate for or to defendagainst the emptiness. I guess we all imaginedthat the pain of that discovery would blowopen our ongoing hidden fear of being empty.23

The dreamWithinTheDreamIIIThey are playing a game.They are playing at not playing a game.If I show them I see they are, (playing a game,)I shall break the rules and they will punish me.I must play their game, of not seeing I see thegame.Knots by R.D. LangeEvery once in a while I would suggest to myfriends that everything was bullshit and thatlife was a game –I had concluded R.D. Lange was right.People didn’t seem to like considering it allwas a game and so I was stuck in a existentialpsycho-emotional paralysis.Stuck somehow between the inner emptinessand an outer world which did not want to know24

or acknowledge the existence of the inneremptiness.The pain increased,I ate drugs,sleep with everyone I could findand attempted to “get lost” in universities,relationships, politics, psychotherapy, andspirituality – still I felt more pain, and the inneremptiness.I had became a caricature of myself exaggerated, overcompensated to the extreme.Another vicious cycle.The more the emptiness became available, themore I would become more extreme in mypersonality to cover-up the emptiness. It wasalmost as if I had to be exaggerated, (overcompensated) in order to convince myself andothers that I believed and was a part of thegame of life.The discrepancy between my outward imagethat I was trying to present could not coverthe inward pain of my lie which the inneremptiness would never let me forget .I had been in pain so long that I was used to it.An internal deadness formed.A layer which attempted to deaden the inneremptiness almost acted like an amnesia25

enabling me to feel nothing at all but deadness,a sullen grey-ness.But nobody in my psychology world talked ofthis underlying existential-existence,(ism) pain.Rather they all seemed to be interested in theirnew career of helping others out of their pain.I found myself hiding my pain even morebecause somehow it was implied that it was notsupposed to be discussed.Finally, like a dam breaking—I broke.The discrepancy between my outer imageand my inner pain had grown so far and I wasface to face with the inner emptiness, and wasbrought to my knees in the office of a psychotherapist.26

The dreamWithinTheDreamIVIn the land of therapy, pain was now mycompanion and my motivator. As a client Ifollowed the traditional path of psychology.I had the garden variety pain of rejection bymy mother, the fear of losing her love. Myfather’s rejection and lack of warmth andunderstanding, and the double binding messageof - —-I love you, if The tears turned into years, and theemotional pain released as the images andwalls I had erected of myself to hide the painlost their power and began to crumble. Goingdaily to therapy from group to workshopa new sense of power emerged as hugeamounts of energy began to be released andI was becoming more whole at the level ofpersonality. This was called at the time selfactualization. I could feel what I was feeling,27

say what I was feeling without interruption andsay what I wanted.As my story continued to unravel the paindiminished and I felt empowered. Theinternalized observer which was mindful ofand witnessed my thoughts, feelings, emotions,and others’ actions and reactions grew stronger.At this point I still had not realized that theobserver was still fused with an internalizedparent and had became more spiritualized asthe inner emptiness had become more tolerable.Still there was little discussion of thisobserving presence, except as to “spiritualize”it has some “higher” state, and so, I was left tojust guess its significance.Meditation seemed the likely vehicle and thewitness/observer could watch and remainmindful of the personality as now I wouldwatch different parts of “myself” arise andsubside.The problem was that since I unknowinglyhad fused the observer with an internalizedparent, the observer had a point of view, anopinion about what was right or wrong, (ofcourse it was spiritualized) high or low, goodor bad, and of course what was spiritual ornot. This included what was good or badthoughts feelings, emotions, associations and28

understanding that would move or progress mealong the path.For example, love and forgiveness was good,hate and anger bad, (just like society) and myparents had taught me on how to “get ahead”.But who was I after all? The parts of myselfwhich came and went I thought I was but wasnot, but yet, who was I?This gnawing emptiness inside me and thedesire for this answer began to frustrate. It waslike now that my psychology was reasonablytogether I had enough psychic energy sinceI was no longer fighting “myself” to moredirectly tackle the ultimate question, who am I?29

The dreamWithinTheDreamVJacque Derrida (paraphrased) The historyof philosophy was the history of the searchfor a logos, a transcendental source ortranscendental presence which preceded thecreation of the physical universe.It seemed that no matter or where I lookedor who I studied with orwhat I read, somehow the experience of whatthey called THAT never came.I contemplated and sought after the one truthWho I was,From where do I come?And of course, what is the nature of reality?The answer still left me with just a blank.And, with “Who am I?” as a focus the inneremptiness became more and more present.30

I sought after the answer to the big questionsand had felt the disappointment of no answer.I believed, (rightly or wrongly) that if I foundand experienced the answerI would be free;free of painfree of sorrowand in some new state of consciousness thatwas indescribably blissful.I began to meet gurus and teachers whilereading of sages, seers, and scholars who hadbeen discussing this.Yet there remained no “experiential” answer.THAT one universal truth labeledenlightenment had eluded me.Those who had claimed to taste or drink theexperience of that truth could only provide mewith the words of the unexplainable which laybeneath the surface of what we call ordinaryconsciousness. Somehow, in the historyof “time,” those that have entered into thehollowed halls of TRUTH, have never returnedthe same.I had heard of the incomprehensible bliss inthe Hindu tradition, the pure emptiness ofthe Buddhist tradition, the obviousness of theZen tradition. I had known and experiencedthe feeling of completion and wholenessand interconnected unity and power called31

self-actualization contained within WesternPsychotherapy coupled with the New Physicsof the west.Still for years I pondered such truth, only to beturned away at heaven’s door.For so long I sought and not received theanswer of answers,The realization of THAT which promised toeliminate and alleviate all problems.A place of home.A place of peace.32

The dreamWithinTheDreamVI“Riders of the stormRiders of the stormInto this house we’re bornInto this world we’re thrownLike a dog without a boneAn actor all aloneRiders of the storm”Jim Morrison the DoorsTonight, once again, I reviewed my story.I was about to fall asleepand still there was pain and frustration.This time it was not psychological pain, BUT anew and different kind of painThe existential pain calledWho am I returned.The world as I knew it was separate over there,viewed from inside a body over here.33

I felt like I was in a place over here, lookingout of a body,at a world out there,A world that I had somehow landedin or was parachuted in.A world that now I had to deal with and survivein.The fact remained that even after years andyears I was still here—separate from everything else over there.No meditation, no breathe exercise. and nopsycho-spiritualsystems of awareness were able nor capable ofdissolving this separation and hence theelimination of whichseemed to be me with all the accompanyingemotions of fear, anger, sadness and even love.As I reviewed my story of attendingworkshops,taking on new belief systems.It seemed that no matter how I saw it I wasalways doing, managing, watching, and beingmindful of something related to my thoughts,feelings, emotions, ormemories or others’ thoughts, feelings,emotions etc.34

Maybe if I could somehow communicate to ahigher power?Still, I was supposed to believe in a godA god that I had to believe in that was watchingover me so that Iwas taken care of.I was in a transpersonal co-dependence.A transpersonal transference.LessonsKarmachakrassomething in my past which I didn’t rememberstories - andmystical beliefs.Still, I was still hereI had traveled on my search throughout bothIndia, Nepal,and Thailand, and certainly had traversed thepaths of mostpsychotherapies and the esoteric tradition.Another failed relationship, a divorce, a legalfight over a child, the never ending pain of life.A pain I could never accept,and, not until today had I realized that all myattemptsto handle my pain were actually resistance tothe pain itself.35

The dreamWithinTheDreamVII“Every time you compromise you amputate apart of your self.”Dr. Frederick HerzbergMy heart felt heavy, I had run out of gas,I truly just needed a restI hurt, and I had given up - never to be allowedinto the other side,never to know the nature of realitywith no hope and meaning. Life had becomea treadmill on which the illusion of goingforward would always appear in front of meand would slip away along with its promise, adream of a blissful future36

The great lie of time, which promised a futureof peace left us in the wake of the promise.Youth and its rewards were smothered by thepillar of compromiseCompromise had its promise only to awakento find that with each compromise it felt like Iwas amputating a part of myself almost like adeath of oneself.I began to feel like a fire that had beenquenched by water never to beignited again.Yes, I like everyone else had bought into thedream, theillusion of a future, a place where freedomfrom want wouldmanifest itself where I would be “taken off thewheel” or treadmill and be free once more.This illusion was shattered now, I was burnedout, like acandle that once glowed brightly with hope,and now hadextinguished itself in its’ own wax. No longerwas there evena flicker of hope in my heart. I was just anotherordinary personlooking to salvage and comfort my tired and37

bruised images that had been created,looking for a way to avoid the painof existence.This was my journey now—the managing andtrying to heal the pain of existence. with itsthe sullen-gray illusion which covered myperception of life.38

The dreamWithinTheDreamVIIIEmptinessA knower appears to appearA Knowing Knower appears to appearA Knowing Knower with no frames of referenceno references to frameTrying to understand its existenceBelieving its perceptions and the illusion ofan organized pattern. Believing of the point ofview of the perceivers’ abstracted perceptions.The reference point, the looker or perceivernever turns toward itself And its ownemptinessOnce again, I was back in my bed I awake at2: 15 in the morning, unable to fall back asleepnoticing the inner emptiness.39

Lying there facing what I perceived asmeaninglessness, alone and disconnected fromeveryone and everything else.I remembered a passage from a book I hadstudied years ago,“The Shiva Sutras”:“The junction point or space between twothoughts is the true nature of the Self, whichis the space from which thoughts arise. Theabsorption of individual consciousness in thatspace is the awakening.”I began to do the old meditations of noticingthe space between two thoughts and the spacebetween two breathes.I thought why not try it yet again. I focusedon the space where the inhale became anexhale, and then the exhale became an inhale.Everything got quiet and then the spacebetween two thoughts emerged and appeared. Irealized that the space between was the same asthe emptiness or void “inside” the body.Somehow in a moment of clarity, through thespace between, (the space that had emerged),I decided to enter into this empty void in mybody like entering into a portal.Lying down in bed my body lurched.First spontaneously peeling back the layers40

which covered or were on top of the emptinessportal.Peeling back these layers which seemed likejust labels,labels called pain,labels called fear,then labels called frustration,then labels called anger,then the dead space which deadened theemptiness.I dove or floated “backward” or “down” or“through” the portal like entering a black holeLike Alice in Wonderland falling through therabbit hole I was slowly sinking into a voidwhich felt like a sea of emptiness that had noquality or form.At first I resisted.So many bubbles surrounded meit was like “dropping” through an ocean“made of nothingness”.I began to imagine I would be coming tothe bottom, (like the bottom of a lake) soonwhereby I could push off and make my wayback to the top of the empty-ocean.Although all around me were bubbles andthe emptiness, I had somehow lost my sense41

of time and motion. I truly could not tellwhether I was moving or whether things werepassing me or I was passing them. For anindeterminate “time” it was as if I were floatingin empty space and soon I realized that I wasn’tbreathing.For a moment I panicked, and tried to grab mywrist to take my pulse, BUT neither my wristnor my pulse were there.BUT everything was so quiet in the endlessvast emptiness. Actually the concept of vast orbig dissolved. I instantaneously realized vastand big were somehow just a projection of themind.The mind attributed or projected ontoemptiness a beginning, an end, space, distance,dimensions and location onto an emptinesswhich was not really empty and did not containthese qualities of mind.Empty or emptiness seemed more like adescription rather then a reality now.Motion seemed motionless; there were nocontrasts.Suddenly, I recalled an old acid trip where Iwas afraid that if I would stop focusing on mybreathing I would stop breathing and die.At some level though I just didn’t care.Maybe I was dead and didn’t know it.42

Maybe I was in some Tibetan Bardo—some inbetween space like in the Tibetan Book of theDead where deities were supposed to emerge.I truly couldn’t tell whether I was in motion ormotionless.I could not tell what this me was as the senseof a body or having a body as a reference pointor a point of reference no longer existed, yetsomehow I was, or imagined I was.All I could “see” was that the bubble appearedto have a shape and form, sometimes a colorto them. Sometimes they would emerge andthen would disappear into the “emptiness” or“nothingness.”Where was I?43

The dreamWithinTheDreamIXThe Not-I-I state is a state(the operative word being state or temporarycondition),whereby you know you aren’t and do not exist,AND YETsomehow you areFloating in the emptiness the Not-I-I state isthe last touch stone before the absolute totaldissolvingSuddenly, things began to shift and a bubbleappeared which had a membrane type qualitysurrounding it. The bubble was probablyonly the size of a baseball so I “grabbed” it.This translucent bubble became transparentas I gazed closer. As I peered in and focusedvoices murmured from inside the bubble like asynchronized prayer,“where am I?” and44

“how do I get out and free?”What struck me was that all the communicationwas known, there was no sound or use ofwords which I had to interpret. Rather, therewas an immediate sense of knowingnessbetween me and the “people” within the bubblewhereby we just knew each other withoutactual sound speech or words.There were no vehicles of communication, likesounds, words, thoughts, feelings, or even bodylanguage. Just knowingness. It was kind of amind connection you might have with someonethat you lived with—just a look in the eyes thatconveyed a certain knowingness.I remembered taking L.S.D. in college withseveral friends. One of them was talking withme, Suddenly, I looked into their eyes and Isaw what I perceived as his “essence” and hesaw mine. No words need be said, we were oneand the same being.This had the same quality of knowingness.From outside the bubble as I focused on one ofthe people in the bubble who had been askinghimself, “Who am I?”, “Where am I?” a shrillof terror went through what I had imaginedwas “my body”, (actually it was a memo

—Sri Nisargadatta Maharaj. 12 The Dream Yoga Part I From the Six Yoga’s of Naropa (With slight variations) To see the dream as dream To change the dream To see the dream as consciousness To see the dream as light To see the dream as emptiness To see the dream as Void To see the dream as Buddha Fields or Realms. 13