RETHINKING HAPPINESS - Hospice East Bay

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RETHINKING HAPPINESSJennifer AakerGeneral Atlantic ProfessorStanford jaaker/

The Road MapHappiness,a storyRethinkingour approachto happinessWhat isthe newdestination?What to packfor thejourney?What to doMonday?

HappinessCsikszentmihalyi & Hunter 2003; Diener and Chan 2011; Diener & Seligman, 2002; Dunn, Aknin &Norton, 2008; Easterlin 2003; Fowler & Christakis, 2008; Gilbert 2006; Healy, Malhotra, and Mo 2010;Isen and Labroo 2003; Kahneman, Krueger, Schkade, Schwarz & Stone, 2004, 2006; Kasser & Sheldon2002; Killingsworth & Gilbert 2010; Layard 2005; Lyubomirsky, Sheldon & Schkade, 2008; Mogilner,2010; Van Boven & Gilovich, 2003; Wilson, Wheatley, Meyers, Gilbert & Axsom, 2000

Business case for happinessJob burnoutTurnover intentionsIllnessOrganizational Citizenship BehaviorJob PerformanceCustomer serviceLikability as a work partnerGroup cooperativenessCreative episodesExploration strivings-0.5 -0.4 -0.3 -0.2 -0.100.1 0.2 0.3 0.4 0.5Lyubormirsky, King and Diener. “The Benefits of Frequent Positive Affect: Does Happiness Lead to Success?” 2005.

But here’s the hitch

It’s a shitshow out there.

.making it extremely hard to be happy.

But there is good news* .* Loose usage of the term

Happiness is miserable, and here’s why.

Misperceptions (and traps) of happiness

1We think we know whatmakes us happy.(But we don’t, really).

Happiness DriversGlamorousMoney(over 75K/yr)YouthMatters lessthan you thinkSelf -esteemBeautyIntelligenceEducationReligionFree timeMatters morethan you thinkSocial skillsVolunteeringDancingHumorSimplePsychology Today 2005

Happiness DriversGlamorousMoney(over 75K/yr)YouthMatters lessthan you thinkSelf -esteemBeautyIntelligenceEducationReligionFree timeMatters morethan you thinkSocial skillsVolunteeringDancingHumorSimplePsychology Today 2005; Work by Gilbert, Kahneman, Wilson

2When we do arrive athappiness, it fades.We adjust surprisingly quickly.

Promotion

ParaplegicBulman, R. J., & Wortman, C. B. (1977). Attributions of blame and coping in the "real world": Severe accident victims react totheir lot. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 35(5), 351-363.

3When we value happiness,there can be paradoxicalboomerang effects.Boomerangs sound fun, but they also hurt.

Positive EmotionWhen Happiness Backfires Control GroupValuing Happiness GroupFilm ClipMauss, I. B., Tamir, M., Anderson, C. L., & Savino, N. S. (2011). Can seeking happiness make people happy? Paradoxical effects of valuing happiness. Emotion, 1-9.

ExpectationsGapPerformanceHappiness

2We think happiness isfixed and stable, anendpoint to achieve.But it’s not.

We start simple, but soon fill up with angstand feelings of confinement, until we leavethose behind to go conquer the world,before gradually trading ambition for balance,developing an appreciation for our bodiesand our children, and evolving a sense ofconnectedness, for which we feel grateful,then happy, calm, and finally -4041-4941-4950 Kamvar and Harris (2010)

THE PROMISEdiscoveryExcitement

THE PROMISEpursuitConquer the world

THE PROMISEbalanceFamily work health

THE PROMISEimpactSignificance

THE PROMISEsavoringContentment

We often pursue happiness.Yet once we attain it, its meaning changes.And we start the pursuit again.how might we rethink our approach tohappiness?

How might we create products,build organizations,and live lives that cultivatehappiness - if we can’t aim for it?

Now, here’s where you are going to hateme briefly .

DestinationJourney

Yes, new research confirms what old(wise) people have been esotericallytelling us our entire lives.

“Life is journey,not a destination.Ralph Waldo Emerson”

“All you need is the plan, theroadmap, and the courage to presson to your destination.Earl Nightingale”

“Sometimes it’s the journey thatteaches you a lot about yourdestination.Drake”

First, let’s talk about destination.Your north star.

“Destination” feels daunting and/or elusive.But it doesn’t have to be.

Anchor on purpose,something that is deeply meaningful to you.

P.S. happiness and meaningfulness aredifferent things.

Happiness vs. Meaning(n 397 study 1; n 114 study 2)Happiness feels good.Meaningfulness doesn’t always.Happiness is self-focused.Meaningfulness feels bigger than your self, anchored on others.Happiness is fleeting.Meaningfulness is more lasting, bridging the past, present and future.Baumeister, R. F., Vohs, K. D., Aaker, J. L., & Garbinsky, E. N. (2013). Some key differences between a happy life and a meaningful life. The Journal of Positive Psychology, 8(6),505-516.

Creating MindsetsHappiness MindsetMeaning MindsetDo one thing a day to feel happy.Do one thing a day to create meaning.Results 3 months laterThose with a meaning mindset reported less negative moodand more positive feelings about their social interactions.Veronika Huta and Ric (2009). Pursuing Pleasure or Virtue: The Differential and Overlapping Well-Being Benefits of Hedonic and Eudaimonic Motives. JoHS, 11(6), 735-762

Meaning and HealthHigher sense of meaning and purposecorrelated with:Higher levels of good cholesterolHealthier weightBetter sleepLower levels of cortisolLower risk of cardiovascular diseaseLower risk of cognitive decay / Alzheimer’sTracked women ages 61-90Carol Ryff, Singer and Love, 7/

Meaning and Purpose @ WorkEmployees who say they derive meaningat work are:3X as likely to stay with their companies1.4X more engaged at work1.7X higher job satisfactionGallup 2016; an-workplace.aspx ; hy-you-hate-work.html? r 0’

Techniques peopleuse to create asense of urgencyTechniques peopleuse to foster a senseof sRewardingfast workBonusesExplainingsomething isimportant overand overHiring onlypeople whohave gone fastbeforeSending an email about whysomething a couple of itemsdown on the backlog is OMGsuper important nowDelivering resultsof their own creationWorking on thingsthey care about(Notmuchhere)Focusing on theright thingsUnderstanding“why”Connecting tocustomers / clients / usersRemembering the greatercauseWorking with awesome,like-motivatedpeople

So how do you find purpose,something that is deeply meaningful to you?

Some feel born with a sense of purpose.Others don’t (nor necessarily want to).But the reality is that it is more of askill than we think.

First, consider whether you have amoonshot.

MoonshotsHugeProblemOur purpose is toinvent and launchmoonshot technologiesthat make the worlda radically better place.www.solveforx.comAstro Teller’s 2016 TED Talk on Medium [ link ]RadicalSolutionBreakthroughTechnology

Your MoonshotWhatWhat theworldWorld NeedsneedsA north star . . .Purpose provides animportant sense ofdirection and meaningand pulls you throughthe challenges ofseeing throughYou areintrinsicallymotivatedpurposeMyPassionsMy UniqueStrengthsHighest andbest use, nowYou canhelp others,one ormany

A personal story

Dragonfly EffectWhat theWhatworld World NeedsneedsCarry onthe legacyof SameerBhatiaMake a dentin cancerMyPassionsMy UniqueStrengthsBehavioralpsychologist whostudies meaning

Dragonfly EffectWhat theWhatWorld NeedsworldneedsCarry onthe legacyof SameerBhatiaMetrics of success:Our kids connecting to charities#100K in bone marrow registryMake a dentin cancerMyPassionsMy UniqueStrengthsBehavioralpsychologist whostudies meaning

Note, your “meaning” orNote,your “meaning”or “purpose”” doesn't haveto“purposedoesn'thavetobesomethingthatbe something that willwilllaunchlaunchyouyoutotothethemoon.moon.It cansomethingasIt canbebesomethingas simpleassimplea asmakingina onemakingdifferencedifferenceperson'slife. in oneperson's life.

“It is better to light one small candlethan to curse the darkness.Confucius

Glimmers of PurposeWrite down three glimmers of purpose - possible moonshots orimportant goals you might have in the next 5-10 years.ytivitcA

Second, think back about the mostdefining stories of your life.Write them down; they will inspire youand provide clarity on your values andnorth star.

“Baby shoes, for sale, never worn.Hemingway”

Six Word StoriesWhat is your six word story?Apply cool science, improve life experiencesA human seeing all humans sameLove life like I love cookiesFamily man builds companies, lives simplyProtecting those who cannot protect themselvesMarried the wrong girl, fixed it.

Six wordstoriesFamily man builds companies, lives simply.Tonight he packs, tomorrow I pine.Married the wrong girl, fixed it.Getting old; ringtones piss me off.

What are Your Signature Stories?Some stories are perceived as more ‘definitional’ than others more meaningful, important and memorable. Write down thestories that capture who you are, what you value or the mostimportant parts of your life (6 words or less).ytviAitc

Next, let's talk aboutthe journey.www.christophermichel.com

This “journey” concept is often unclearand esoteric.What do you actually need to pack forthe journey?

Things to Pack for the JourneySecret weaponsA tribeA way todiffuse tension

How do we cultivate these things?

Happiness DriversGlamorousMoney(over 75K/yr)YouthMatters lessthan you thinkSelf -esteemBeautyIntelligenceEducationReligionFree timeMatters morethan you thinkSocial skillsVolunteeringDancingHumorSimplePsychology Today 2005; Work by Gilbert, Kahneman, Wilson

balance gravity with levity.

Most think humor is fun and frivolous.In reality, it matters a lot.It has an outsized impact on our abilityto both make progress toward ourdestination and to embrace the journey.Because humor is a Multiplier.

Humor is a (secret) weapon.

“First full day as Twitter COO tomorrow.Task #1: Undermine CEO,consolidate power .Dick Costolo **a year later became CEO

Humor and Status StudiesOverviewAcross 8 experiments, researchers at Harvard and Wharton studied theinfluence of humor on status in new and existing relationships.ResultsSuccessfulhumorPerceptions of confidencePerceptions of competenceStatusBitterly, Brooks, and Schweitzer (2016)

Humor plays a fundamental role inshaping relationships.

Humor builds your tribe.

Humor and Openness StudyCover StoryWrite down 5 pieces of personal information Condition 1:After watching a neutral filmCondition 2:After watching a humorous film clipResultsSelf-disclosure increased 30% in humor conditionGray et al (2015)

Moments of laughter spark trustand quicken self-disclosure.They solidify your tribe’s closenessover time - and positively impactculture.

Humor defuses tension.

Humor in NegotiationsConditionsCondition 1: “My final offer is ."Condition 2: “My final offer is , and I’ll throw in my pet frog."Results18% more concessions.Increased enjoyment of the task and reduced tension.O’Quinn and Aronoff, SPQ (1981)

“Humor is important in politics.I laugh at least once every day,otherwise I cannot do this job I would never allow people totake away my holiday from me.Angela Merkel

Humor is a superpower,but there’s a problem.

Our self perceptions of our funny-nessplummet as we age.

Global Humor Cliff% of people who reported smiling/ laughing a lot yesterday(Gallop data 2013, n 1.4 million)85%80%75%70%65%60%2550Participant Age75100

So, how do we move the needle on humor?

First, know your own funny.

Humor AuditThink about the last time you really laughed (bonus points if youwere at work or were the one creating the humor). What washappening, and how might you cultivate more moments likethis?ytivitcA

find your (humoR) tribe.

Teaching Team ioRopokisNickKraussSophiaSterling-Angus

Your (Humor) TribeWho are you funny with? Who appreciates your lame puns,epic fail stories, or favorite memes (or whatever kind of humoris authentically you). Write down 2-3 names.ytivitcA

realize that humor is a choice –a filter through which to view the world.Our stories define us, and we get tochoose the genre.

Stories StudyPromptAsked people to list the stories that defined their life so far (as many as they like).Then they rated each story on whether they were dramas, comedies, tragedies.ResultsIf stories tended to be:TragediesDramasComediesparticipants reported to feelmore anxious, stressed, sad,disappointed, aloneparticipants reported feelingmore anxious, stressed, sad,disappointed, and aloneparticipants felt happier, more satisfied,energetic, fulfilled, inspired, andchallenged.They also reported to have moremeaning in their life.

Story ActivityLook back at all the story(ies) you wrote down before.Now, rewrite them as comedies.ytviAitc

“Comedy abounds if you just lookaround you.Mel Brooks

You will all have a (new) superpower.

In sum

Know that happiness is miserable(at least chasing it is).

Real “success” comes down to anchoringon the right destination and embracingthe journey.

You need a compass to navigate to thedestination, and you need to know what topack for the journey.

Capture the journey in stories.But know you get to pick the genre.

George Saunders, on getting into the MFA program at Syracuse andhanging out with his new mentor, Tobias Wolff:At a party, I go up to Toby and assure him that I am no longer writing thesilly humorous crap I applied to the program with (i.e., the stuff that hadgotten me into the program in the first place). Now I am writing moreseriously, more realistically, nothing made up, nothing silly, everythingdirectly from life, no exaggeration or humor — you know: “real writing.”Toby looks worried. But quickly recovers. “Well, good!” he says. “Just don’tlose the magic." I have no idea what he’s talking about.Why would I do that? That would be dumb.

I go forward and lose all of the magic.Somehow, under the pressure of suddenly being surrounded by goodwriters, I go timid and all the energy disappears from my work. I somehowbecome a plodding, timid, bad realist.You see this pattern over and over with many creative people: they havethis little bit of magic, a spark of something that comes naturally to them,and it’s often messy and weird and a little bit off, and that’s why they catchour attention in the first place. The odd magic is what we love about them.Then, something happens. They decide it’s time, now, to be serious.The wild painter whose Instagram you love goes to grad school and all ofthe sudden her posts get boring. A brilliant illustrator decides to write abook, a real book, one without any pictures in it, and it bores you to tears.

It happened to me: before I went to college, I loved poetry, drawing, andart with a sense of humor. Then, after I got to college, I decided:It’s time, now, to be serious.I started to believe in the following misguided equations:fiction poetrywords picturestragedy comedyEventually, I got so miserable that I threw those equations out the window,bought a sketchbook, and started reading comics again. When I graduatedcollege, I started making my weird, occasionally funny, blackout poems.Slowly, a little bit of the magic came back.

But whenever that impulse returns, that impulse to come on now beserious, I lose the magic again.It happened most recently getting ready for my upcoming art show. Thatstupid voice started saying: This is a gallery show. This is Art. I need to beserious.Cue the choke.A few years ago, Bill Murray gave a speech to a bunch of baseballplayers and he ended it with this perfect bit of Zen.

“If you can stay light, and stay loose,and stay relaxed, you can play at thevery highest level — as a baseballplayer or a human being.Bill Murray”

“A few years ago, Bill Murraygave a speech to a bunch ofbaseball players and he ended itwith this perfect bit of Zen Stay at it, but stay light.Don’t be afraid to do what comesnaturally.Fight the urge to be serious.Don’t let it destroy the very thingthat makes you.”-George Saunders

“You’re only given a little spark ofmadness. You mustn’t lose it .Robin Williams

Our hope is to keep the pilot light on.

The EndWith love,Jenniferwww.christophermichel.com

Happiness vs. Meaning (n 397 study 1; n 114 study 2) Happiness feels good. Meaningfulness doesn't always. Happiness is self-focused. Meaningfulness feels bigger than your self, anchored on others. Happiness is fleeting. Meaningfulness is more lasting, bridging the past, present and future.

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