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Free ebooks www.ebook777.comResources by Henry Cloud and John TownsendBoundariesBoundaries WorkbookBoundaries audioBoundaries curriculumBoundaries in DatingBoundaries in Dating WorkbookBoundaries in Dating audioBoundaries in Dating curriculumBoundaries in MarriageBoundaries in Marriage WorkbookBoundaries in Marriage audioBoundaries in Marriage curriculumBoundaries with KidsBoundaries with Kids WorkbookBoundaries with Kids audioBoundaries with Kids curriculumChanges That Heal (Cloud)Changes That Heal Workbook (Cloud)Changes That Heal audio (Cloud)Hiding from Love (Townsend)How People GrowHow People Grow WorkbookHow People Grow audioHow to Have That Difficult Conversation You’ve Been AvoidingMaking Small Groups WorkMaking Small Groups Work audioThe Mom FactorThe Mom Factor WorkbookRaising Great KidsRaising Great Kids audioRaising Great Kids for Parents of Preschoolers curriculumRaising Great Kids Workbook for Parents of PreschoolersRaising Great Kids Workbook for Parents of School-Age ChildrenRaising Great Kids Workbook for Parents of TeenagersSafe PeopleSafe People Workbook12 “Christian” Beliefs That Can Drive You Crazy
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Free ebooks www.ebook777.comBoundaries in DatingCopyright 2000 by Henry Cloud and John TownsendAll rights reserved under International and Pan -American Copyright Conventions. By payment ofthe required fees, you have been granted the non -exclusive, non-transferable right to access andread the text of this e-book on-screen. No part of this text may be reproduced, transmitted, down loaded, decompiled, reverse engineered, or stored in or introduced into any information storageand retrieval system, in any form or by any means, whether electronic or mechanical, now knownor hereinafter invented, without the express written permission of Zondervan.AER Edition January 2009 ISBN: 978-0-310-29668-3Requests for information should be addressed to:Zondervan, Grand Rapids, Michigan 49530Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication DataCloud, Henry.Boundaries in dating : how healthy choices grow healthy relationships /Henry Cloud and John Townsend.p. cm.ISBN-10: 0-310-20034-2 (softcover)ISBN-13: 978-0-310-20034-5 (softcover)1. Dating (Social customs). 2. Dating (Social customs)—Religious aspects—Christianity. 3. Single people—Conduct of life. I. Townsend, John Sims, 1952II. Title.HQ801. C59 2000646.7'7—dc2199-057936The examples used in this book are compilations of stories from real situations. Butnames, facts, and issues have been altered to protect confidentiality while illustratingthe points.All Scripture quotations, unless otherwise indicated, are taken from the Holy Bible:New International Version . NIV . Copyright 1973, 1978, 1984 by International BibleSociety. Used by permission of Zondervan. All rights reserved.Published in association with Yates & Yates, LLP, Literary Agent, Orange, CA.All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in aretrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means—electronic, mechanical,photocopy, recording, or any other—except for brief quotations in printed reviews,without the prior permission of the publisher.07 08 09 10 11 12 13 47 46 45 44 43 42 41 40 39 38 37 36 35 34 33 32 31
Free ebooks www.ebook777.comTo Matilda Townsend (1902–1983),who contributed greatly to my life—J. T.To singles everywhere, with the hope that yourdating experience can realize the desires ofyour heart, and God’s best for you—H. C.
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Free ebooks www.ebook777.comContentsAcknowledgments . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .9Why Dating? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .11Part 1: You and Your Boundaries1. Why Boundaries in Dating? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .252. Require and Embody Truth . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .353. Take God on a Date . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .494. Dating Won’t Cure a Lonely Heart . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .715. Don’t Repeat the Past . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .77Part 2: Whom Should I Date?6. What You Can Live With andWhat You Can’t Live With . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .917. Don’t Fall in Love with SomeoneYou Wouldn’t Be Friends With . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .1078. Don’t Ruin a Friendship Out of Loneliness . . . . . . . . . .1219. Beware When Opposites Attract . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .133Part 3: Solving Dating Problems:When You’re Part of the Problem10. Adapt Now, Pay Later . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .15111. Too Much, Too Fast . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .15912. Don’t Get Kidnapped . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .17313. Kiss False Hope Good-bye . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .18714. Boundaries on Blame . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .203
Free ebooks www.ebook777.comPart 4: Solving Dating Problems:When Your Date Is the Problem15. Say No to Disrespect . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .21916. Nip It in the Bud . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .23317. Set Appropriate Physical Limits . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .23918. Set Up a Detention Hall . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .257Conclusion . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .277About the Publisher . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 289Share Your Thoughts . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 290www.ebook777.com
Free ebooks www.ebook777.comAcknowledgmentsWith gratitude to our agent, Sealy Yates; our publisher,Scott Bolinder; and our editor, Sandra Vander Zicht.And thanks to our marketing director, John Topliff, whosethoughtful understanding of the needs of our readers makes publishing much more enjoyable.I would like also to acknowledge Guy and Christi Owen, whowere there for me through my long years of dating.I would like to acknowledge Lillie Nye for her efforts to getthis material to singles everywhere and her input along the way.Thanks to the Daytona group for sharing your stories andcourage.Thanks to the Christian Single magazine staff, who havehelped me to understand the current dynamics that singles faceand who also provide a great resource to help them.Thanks to Single Adult Ministries for inviting us over the yearsto share with you.Thanks to Jim Burns, president of the National Institute ofYouth Ministry, for his input regarding the dating plight of teenstoday and his spin of the current thinking in the church. Your ministry has changed the face of dating for literally millions worldwide. They are safer than if you had not been there over the years.—H.C.Thanks to Roy and Susan Zinn for your work with singles atthe North Carolina State Navigators ministry. Your compassionand ministry have touched many, including myself.9
Free ebooks www.ebook777.com10Boundaries in DatingThanks to Mike Hoisington and Cary Tamura for colaboring with the Single Focus class at First Evangelical Free Churchin Fullerton, California. Your initiative and leadership for singles has borne good fruit through the years. Thanks to ChuckSwindoll, senior pastor at that time, for giving us permission tothink creatively about the struggles of singles.Thanks to Scott Rae, former singles pastor at Mariners Churchin Irvine, California. Your thoughtful efforts to help singles growspiritually, and your many opportunities to have us speak to yourgroups, are much appreciated.—J. T.
Free ebooks www.ebook777.comWhy Dating?Afew years back I was doing a seminar for singles in theMidwest when the question came from the floor, “Dr.Cloud, what is the biblical position on dating?” At first, I thoughtI had misheard the question, so I asked the woman to repeatit. And the question came out the same as the first time.“What do you mean, ‘the biblical position’?” I asked.“Well, do you think that dating is a biblical thing to do?” thewoman explained.Once I heard her question, I thought she was kidding, butI soon realized she was not. I had heard people ask about thebiblical position on capital punishment or euthanasia, but neveron dating.“I do not think the Bible gives a ‘position’ on dating,” I said.“Dating is an activity that people do, and as with a lot of otherthings, the Bible does not talk about it. What the Bible does talkabout is being a loving, honest, growing person in whatever youdo. So, I would have to say that the biblical position on datinghas much more to do with the person you are and are becoming than whether or not you date. The biblical position on dating would be to date in a holy way.“In fact, God grows people up through dating relationshipsin the same way that he grows them up in many other life activities. The question is not whether or not you are dating. Thequestions are more along the lines of ‘Who are you in your dating and who are you becoming in your dating? What is the fruitof your dating for you and for the people that you date? Howare you treating them? What are you learning?’ And a host of11
Free ebooks www.ebook777.com12Boundaries in Datingother issues that the Bible is very clear about. It is mainly aboutyour character growth and how you treat people.”“So, you think it is okay to date?” she pressed.“Of course, I do, but it is only okay to date within biblicalguidelines, which by the way are not burdensome. They will saveyour life and help you to make sure you end up with a goodperson to marry,” I said, chuckling on the inside about how oftenChristians want a rule.I thought this was the end of it until the same question keptcoming up around the country whenever I would speak to singles. Over and over again, I was asked if dating were an okaything to do or not. I was curious about why people were asking the same question.So, one day, I asked where these questions were coming from.I was told that a movement was arising from a book called I KissedDating Goodbye by Joshua Harris. The premise of the book is thatdating is not a good idea, and many people were giving it up. AsI continued to investigate, the movement went even further thanthe book in some circles. Many Christians were saying that dating was sinful in and of itself; others were at least feeling as if people who were still dating were less spiritual than those who didn’t.It was becoming the “Christian” thing to forego dating. I thoughtat first that this was just in some circles, but the more I traveledaround I was hearing it all over the country.So we read I Kissed Dating Goodbye, and in this chapter wewill share some of our reactions. We strongly disagree with theidea that all people should give up dating for several reasons. Butbefore we get into the specifics, we want to validate the reasonsbehind this movement.No one would take such a stance against dating without goodreason, and the reason people are giving up dating seems to bethis: pain, disillusionment, and detrimental effects to their spir-
Free ebooks www.ebook777.comWhy Dating?13itual life. In other words, dating has not helped them to grow,find a mate, or become a more spiritual person. So, it makessense to kiss it good-bye.And we empathize with this pain. As we have seen over theyears working with many singles and being single for a long timeourselves (both of us were well into our thirties before we married), dating can cause a lot of hurt and suffering. Many people become disillusioned in the process, and they feel like theydo not know how to make it work. They experience heartbreak,they repeatedly pick the “wrong type,” they can’t find the “righttype,” or they find the “right type” and they don’t like him or heras much as the wrong type. They have trouble integrating theirspiritual life into dating. And they question what to do with physical attraction and moral limits, as well as wonder when to movefrom casual dating to a more significant relationship.For many people the pain and suffering of dating becomestoo much, and they are ready for an alternative. And out ofthis motivation, we concur with the followers of the no-datingmovement and its proponents. The pain of dating is not worthit if it does not lead to anything good. We understand Mr. Harris’s motive for writing this book.But we disagree with his conclusion. While we agree thatthe hurt must stop, we don’t think that dating is the problem.We think people are. In the same way that cars don’t kill people, drunk drivers do, dating does not hurt people, but dating inout-of-control ways does. Paul’s advice to the Colossians is sound:“Since you died with Christ to the basic principles of this world,why, as though you still belonged to it, do you submit to its rules:‘Do not handle! Do not taste! Do not touch!’? These are all destined to perish with use, because they are based on human commands and teachings. Such regulations indeed have anappearance of wisdom, with their self-imposed worship, their
Free ebooks www.ebook777.com14Boundaries in Datingfalse humility and their harsh treatment of the body, but theylack any value in restraining sensual indulgence” (Colossians2:20–23, italics ours). Paul cautioned the Colossians that making rules and abstaining from certain practices would neverdevelop the maturity they needed to live life.Human problems are matters of the heart, the soul, one’s orientation toward God, and a whole host of other maturity issues.As Paul says, avoiding certain things you could engage in destructively does not cure your basic problem of immaturity, whichis internal not external. You may be immature and not able tohandle dating, so you abstain from dating. But, unless you dosomething to grow up, you will still be immature, and you willtake that immaturity right into marriage.Avoiding dating isn’t the way to cure the problems encounteredin dating. The cure is the same as the Bible’s cure for all of life’sproblems, and that is spiritual growth leading to maturity. Learning how to love, follow God, be honest and responsible, treat others as you would want to be treated, develop self-control, and builda fulfilling life will ensure better dating.Before we tell you in this book how to date well, we want to pointout some reasons why we think you shouldn’t kiss dating good-byeand some more reasons why we think dating can be great.In his book in the chapter “The Seven Habits of Highly Defective Dating,” Joshua Harris talks about the following “negativetendencies” of dating.1. Dating leads to intimacy but not necessarily tocommitment.2. Dating tends to skip the “friendship” stage of arelationship.3. Dating often mistakes a physical relationship for love.4. Dating often isolates a couple from other vitalrelationships.
Free ebooks www.ebook777.comWhy Dating?155. Dating, in many cases, distracts young adults fromtheir primary responsibility of preparing for the future.6. Dating can cause discontentment with God’s gift ofsingleness.7. Dating creates an artificial environment for evaluatinganother person’s character.All of these problem scenarios are created by people andthe way that they date. Throughout the rest of this book wewill address each one of these by looking at the lack of appropriate structure within, among other things, a person’s character, support system, values, and relationship with God. In otherwords, a lack of boundaries.Each one of these scenarios has to do with some aspects ofcharacter immaturity, such as fusion, dependency, or self-centeredness. A loss of boundaries occurs when an immature person gives up all of his or her structure, internal and external, andfuses with an ideal, a person, or something else to avoid maturing. The immature, idealized “falling in love” that we have allseen as destructive is always a problem in which someone needsto be brought back to reality. If someone has this tendency, theyneed character and spiritual growth to mature enough to facelife and relationships in a more balanced way. And we think thatGod can provide that.Throughout the book, we talk about all of these problems,and the boundaries that will cure them. God gives us principles to guide us in life. Because we can trust his ways, we arefree to grow and develop a life as we mature. We do not haveto avoid life, or maturity.Harris builds his case on one example after another of selfishgratification of passion at the expense of another person, or ofheartbreak, or of immature, dependent, addictive romance. Noneof those situations are caused by dating, but by the immaturity
Free ebooks www.ebook777.com16Boundaries in Datingof the people involved. We all know many situations where moremature and godly teens, young adults, and older adults dated invery growth-producing and mature ways, and they are very grateful for the experience. Harris’s logic seems to be:Person A dated person B.Person A or B or both got hurt.Dating is bad.This is a little like saying because there is divorce, no oneshould get married. Or because there are car accidents, no oneshould drive. Many singles date very responsibly, and they learnand grow through the experience. Both parties are the better forit, and they are more prepared for a later commitment.Harris, however, is right about this: some people should notdate, at least for a while. Just as some people should not drive,or should not ever drink, or should not do other things the Bibleleaves as free territory, some people should not date. The biblical principle is that these people might have a weakness or immaturity that could cause them to stumble, and for this reason,refraining from a certain activity is best.One internationally known youth worker I consulted confirmed this. He said, “Refraining from dating is probably a goodidea for a small percent of the teenagers we work with. Therest need to be dating and learning how to handle all that datingbrings up in the maturity cycle.” This is what we think as well.Not dating is a good idea for a few people—people who are vulnerable to destructive romantic fusion, who are being used byothers, or who are avoiding maturity. Not dating is a good ideato give these people an opportunity to grow.But, for others, we think dating can be a very good experience.And so does Harris. He just doesn’t call it “dating.” He says thata couple should spend time with each other to see if they are right
Free ebooks www.ebook777.comWhy Dating?17for one another before they go forward into marriage. But, hedistinguishes that from dating because from the first “date,” thecouple is investigating marriage. Up until this point, there wasfriendship. Not a bad plan, we believe. Get to know someone wellbefore you commit to marriage. We also believe that dating offersthis opportunity—and more.Here are a few of the benefits we see in dating:1. Dating gives people the opportunity to learn about themselves, others, and relationships in a safe context.When done properly, dating is an incubator time of discovering the opposite sex, one’s own sexual feelings, moral limits, one’sneed for relationship skills, and one’s tastes in people. But dating must be done in the proper context. A single person mustdate within a community of people who care about him or her.For teens, this context is their parents, friends, youth group,youth pastor, coaches, and the like.Dating gives people a place to grow and learn in the safety ofpeople who can help them develop. I told one youth worker whobelieved in the no-dating movement that I thought he was robbingteens of needed input and coaching if he encouraged the
To Matilda Townsend (1902–1983), who contributed greatly to my life —J. T. To singles everywhere, with the hope that your dating experience can realize the desires of your heart, and God’s best for you —H. C. 0310200342_bounddating.qxp 5/15/07 11:27 AM Page 5.
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Sarah T. (Wilson) McKinstry Page 3 of 24 Key Information for Sarah T. Wilson Sarah T. Wilson was born in 1836 in Pennsylvania.1 She married Ezra McKinstry 31 December 1859 in Doylestown, Bucks County, Pennsylvania.2 Sarah T. (Wilson) McKinstry died in Orion, Henry County, Illinois in 1898.3 No death record was found in either Rock Island or Henry
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