Charmed & Dangerous - Women's Safety NSW
Charmed &DangerousA Woman’s Guideto Reclaiming aHealthy Relationship
IntroductionThis booklet,“Charmed and Dangerous: A Woman’s Guide to Reclaiming aHealthy Relationship”, has been developed for women by women. This bookletwas the initiative of the Tweed Shire Women’s Services Inc.We hope this sharing of information may assist you in your journey toachieving and maintaining a healthy relationship; a relationship based on trust,respect, positive communication, honesty and balanced power.The Tweed Shire Women’s Service’s introduction to the booklet follows:“Domestic & Family violence is not just about the family; it is a social concern.As a result of inherent cultural and social beliefs millions of women globallyfrom all socio-economic groups are abused and treated violently by meneveryday. Family violence is not about a male partner being angry or losingit, it is a way for the abuser to have control over and dominate their partnerand/or children. Statistically women and children are the most likely victimsof domestic and family violence hence; this book is written for women, as atool to break free of controlling, abusive or violent relationships and reclaim ahealthy relationship.Domestic and family violence is a crime, and we are working locally andnationally to increase the inherent right of women and children to be safefrom abuse and violence and to build a network of resources for women toaccess in times of need.Many women have contributed their experience and knowledge into thedevelopment of this booklet. To all those women who have contributed –Thank you.The journey of reclaiming a healthy relationship differs for each woman; thereis no right way or wrong way – only your way. Take what information you needfrom this book, give yourself time, ask for help when needed and remember tocongratulate yourself on your achievements – which have been many.It may not be the right time for you to read this book right now, if not put itaside in a safe place. You will know when you are ready to take this journey.Tracy Asby, ManagerThis edition of Charmed and Dangerous has been updated and developed bythe Women’s Domestic Violence Court Advocacy Program (WDVCAP) atLegal Aid NSW.June 20192CHARMED AND DANGEROUS:
ContentsIntroductionHow Did I Get Here?How You May FeelUnderstanding Domestic & Family ViolenceStrangulation or suffocation ‘choking’Cycle Of ViolenceEffects Of Violence On ChildrenWhat Is A Healthy RelationshipRelationship Warning SignsInformation For Women In Same Sex RelationshipsInformation for Aboriginal WomenSafety PlanningWhere To From Here?What If Your Partner Starts A Men’s ProgramYour Legal RightsDeciding To LeaveStaying Safe After SeparationResisting The Urge To ReturnHow You May Feel After Leaving an Abusive RelationshipParenting After Domestic ViolenceMore Information and Help2344678910111313141516181920212425How Did I Get Here?Do you deserve to be abused?The answer is ‘NO’Did you ask for it?The answer is ‘NO’Are you alone?The answer is ‘NO’Violence against women and children isnot acceptable for any reason. You are notresponsible for any form of abuse and arenot alone with the pain and suffering youare experiencing. Unfortunately, domesticand family violence is everywhere in ourcommunity, especially behind closed doors.You may ask ‘how did I allow myself to getinto this situation and what did I do?’ You didnothing; it has been a gradual process foryou to be where you are today. It starts withsubtle put downs until it comes to a pointA Woman’s Guide to Reclaiming a Healthy Relationshipwhere you begin to feel unsafe for yourselfand your children. You begin to feel isolatedand alone; reinforcing the fact that you are toblame, which is untrue.There is always the hope that the situationwill improve and this keeps us locked into theabusive situation with our dreams of a happyand harmonious family life. To hold on to thishope and dream we will keep peace at all cost.This is where we start ‘walking on egg shells’waiting for the next cycle of abusive behaviour.Our hope is sustained by the promises bythe abuser and the disappointments whenthe behaviour reappears. We begin to feeltrapped and alone with no-one to talk to,there is a sense of shame as we believe it isour fault and that no-one will believe what wesay. So we often suffer the abuse in silence.3
How You May Feel“If this is love, why do I feel so sad?”Often the first indication that there issomething wrong with the way you arebeing treated is how you feel. You may feeluneasy, tense, confused, like something isn’tright. Trust your feelings/gut instinct – theyare important. Think about how you feelwhen you are with your partner.If you are experiencing domestic or familyviolence you may feel:o Constantly fearful and ‘on edge’o Like you have lost belief in yourselfo Isolated and aloneo Like you are going mado Pain / suffering from physical injurieso Shamed or embarrassedo Guilty or depressedo Exhausted and without energyo Anxiouso Confused about what is realand what’s noto Sad, angry, tearful and fearfulo Pressured and uncomfortableo Humiliated and confusedo Restricted and controlledo Full of self blame and self loathingo Confused about what to doThe effects of violence on women caninclude:o Feeling trappedo Increased use of drugs and alcoholo Sleeping problemso Mental illnesso Self harm or suicideo Nausea or headacheso Violence against children or partnero Losing touch with who you areo Feeling alone, confused and afraido Not feeling like you can trust anyoneo Withdrawal from friends and familyo Emotional distressYou DON’T deserve to be treated thisway! Domestic and family violence is acrime. There are many excuses that can beused to justify violence but it is importantto remember that people CHOOSE to beviolent.Understanding Domestic and Family ViolenceTo determine if your relationship is abusiveyou need to look at what the other personis doing, how it affects your life, how it makesyou feel and where the balance of powerlies in the relationship. Trust your intuition:If something does not feel right to you thenit is not ok.Forms of Domestic Violence4Fear can be the most powerful means ofcontrol. Fear can be created through anybehaviour which is used to intimidate youand which takes away your power.Intimidation includes breaking yourpossessions, intimidating body language,hostile and aggressive questioning, constantcalls, emails, text messages and stalking.Physical Abuse includes physical harmto you, your children, your property, family,friends and pets. It may also involve thethreat of weapons.Sexual Abuse includes any forced orunwanted sexual interaction. This mayinclude: forced sexual acts, harassment, orsexual harm.CHARMED AND DANGEROUS:
Verbal Abuse includes constantputdowns, insults and verbal threats. Verbalabuse is a humiliating experience and overtime can destroy your self-esteem and selfbelief.Social Abuse is when the abusercriticises, jokes about or puts you down infront of family, friends, work friends etc and/ or controls where you go and who yousee.Emotional / Psychological Abuseincludes behaviour / actions & comments toundermine your sense of self and destroyyour self confidence / worth.Cyber Bullying / CyberHarassment includes use of email,instant messaging, chat rooms, mobilephone or other forms of information anddigital technology to harass, humiliate,threaten or intimidate you.Spiritual Abuse includes ridiculing yourspiritual beliefs and / or excluding you fromtaking part in cultural or spiritual activities.Financial Abuse occurs when theabuser takes control over your financialresources. This may include not allowingyou to work or controlling themoney you earn or spend.yas iclVIOLENCEUSINGCOERCIONAND THREATSUSINGINTIMIDATION* Making you afraid by usinglooks, actions, gestures* Smashing things* Destroying your property* Abusing pets* Displaying weaponsUSING MALE PRIVILEGE* Treating you like a servant* Excluding you from making decisions* Being the one to define men’s andwomen’s rolesPOWER&CONTROLUSINGCHILDREN* Making you feelguilty aboutthe children* Using the childrento relay messages* Threatening totake the childrenxuUSINGEMOTIONALABUSEABUSE* Preventing you fromgetting or keeping a job* Making you ask for money* Giving you an allowance* Taking your money* Not letting you know about orhave access to family incomeSeal* Making and/or carrying outthreats to do somethingto hurt you* Threatening to leave or commitsuicide or report you to welfare* Making you drop chargesUSING* Making you doECONOMICillegal thingsPhSexual control – threatening to ‘out’you to others where you have chosen notto come out or feel it is unsafe to do so.* Putting you down* Making you feel bad aboutyourself* Calling you names* Making you think you’re crazy* Humiliating you* Making you feel guiltyUSING ISOLATION* Controlling what you do, who you seeand talk to, and where you go* Limiting your outside involvementand social contacts* Using jealousy to justifyactionsMINIMISING,DENYING, &BLAMING* Making light of theabuse and not taking yourconcerns seriously* Saying it didn’t happen* Shifting responsibility for abusivebehaviour* Saying you caused it* Blaming tiredness,stress, alcohol ordrugsAdapted from the Domestic AbuseIntervention Centre, Duluth, Minnesota.A Woman’s Guide to Reclaiming a Healthy Relationship5
Strangulation or suffocation ‘choking’Strangulation is a serious crime. It is anindicator that violence is escalating and is themost lethal form of domestic violence.Strangulation occurs when any pressure isplaced around the neck area with enoughforce that breathing becomes difficult orimpossible.The pressure around the neck cantake many forms, either one or both hands,rope, clothing or anything else. Suffocationoccurs by covering of the mouth or nose,preventing air from entering your lungs.When strangulation or suffocation occurs,your brain is deprived of oxygen, the bloodflow has been stopped from exiting yourbrain and your airway is closed off makingbreathing impossible or increasingly difficult.The time frame that this occurs can beminimal, each time that blood and air flow isdisrupted to and from your brain, your braincells will die. Brain cells do not regenerateonce this occurs, this can result in long termhealth issues.o Any loss of bladder or bowel controlo Ringing in your ears, dizziness orheadacheso Any memory losso Confusion, feeling disoriented, restlessor tired.Immediately after an act of violence like thisis committed on you, you may be relievedthat you survived. Over time, you may startto minimise the experience.This level of violence places you at high riskof losing your life. There may not be a nexttime if you do not seek help.IMPORTANTo Seek medical attention as soon aspossibleo Tell someone e.g. a support worker, thepolice, a doctoro Document signs and symptoms. Somethings may develop over days or weeks.Often there will be no visible injuries,however; there may be serious internalinjuries. It is important to see a doctorfor medical advice as soon as possible.You need to tell the doctor you have beenstrangled, so they know what to look for.Ask the doctor to document any injuries forfuture reference and as evidence if needed.6In the minutes, hours, days or even weeksafter being strangled, take note of any signsand symptoms you may be experiencingsuch as:o Difficulty breathing, talking orswallowingo Any neck or throat pain; includingcoughingo Vomiting or nauseaCHARMED AND DANGEROUS:
Cycle of ViolenceIn a healthy relationship there are periodsof happiness as well as times of tensionbetween partners. This tension is generallyfollowed by a phase of problemsolving thatsignifies an equality and respect betweenthese partners. In an unhealthy relationship,times of tension often lead to periods ofabuse and violence. These explosions arefollowed by a time of apologies and returnto the honeymoon phase, where thingsappear on the surface to be normal again.Build-upPhaseabuser escalates and becomes increasinglyunpredictable. You may feel that you are‘walking on egg shells’ and fear that anythingyou do will cause the situation to deterioratefurther.ExplosionThe explosion stage marks the peak ofviolence in the relationship. The abuserexperiences a release of tension duringan explosion phase, which may SIONPursuitPhaseSource:Dr Lenore Walker,1979, USARemorsePhaseIt is important to remember that the abusercontrols this cycle. They may skip somestages or they may travel through it over andover quickly.The build-up phaseThis phase involves escalating tension markedby increased verbal, physical, emotional,sexual or financial abuse; the behaviour isoften volatile and unpredictable.The stand over phaseThis is an extremely frightening period foryou and your family. The behaviour of theA Woman’s Guide to Reclaiming a Healthy RelationshipThe remorse phaseAt the remorse stage, the abuserfeels ashamed of their behaviour.They retreat and becomewithdrawnfromtherelationship; justifying theiractions to themselves andto others.The pursuit phaseThe abuser may promiseto never be violent again.They may try to make up fortheir past behaviour during thisperiod and say that other factorshave caused them to be violent, forexample, work stress, drugs, or alcohol. Theabuser becomes attentive, purchasing gifts,and promising that the violence will neverhappen again.The honeymoon phaseDuring the honeymoon phase of the cycleof violence, both people in the relationshipmay be in denial as to how bad the abuseand violence was. Both people do not wantthe relationship to end, so are happy toignore the possibility that the violence couldoccur again. After some time, this stage willfade and the cycle may begin again.7
Effects of Domestic Violence on ChildrenThe effects of domestic and family violenceare experienced by all family members.Living with violence can have as much of animpact on children as the victims themselves.Children who witness abuse or live in aviolent household experience the same fear,intimidation and threat to safety that youexperience.Children need a safe and supportiveenvironment to develop their emotional,social, intellectual and physical wellbeing andto grow up to be healthy and well-adjusted.Children learn by what they see and areinfluenced by what they experience in thehome. Often children will take on the role ofprotector and peace-keeper; this places thechild at considerable emotional and physicalrisk and can result in long term emotionallydamaging behaviours.Studies show that children who havewitnessed domestic violence are morelikely to:o display aggressive and/or sociallyinappropriate behaviourso have diminished self esteem and selfwortho have poor academic performance,problem solving skills andconcentrationo show emotional distress, phobias,anxiety or depressiono have physical complaints.OMESTIC ABUSDEWn’sedrISOLATIONChilEMOTIONALABUSE* Doubting reality* Fear of doing wrong* Inconsistent limits andexpectations by caregiver* Fear of expressing feelings* Inability to learn at school* Low self-esteemINTIMIDATION* Putting children in fearby: using looks, loud actions,loud gestures, loud voice,smashing things, destroying property* Fear of physical safetySEXUAL STEREOTYPES* Copy abuser’s dominant & abusivebehaviour* Copying victimised passiveand submissive behaviour* Unable to express feelings orwho they areHowViolenceAffectsChildrenTHREATS* Learn tomanipulate becauseof their own safetyissues due to effect ofviolence in family* Expressing anger in a waythat is violent, abusive,or not expressing anger at allbecause of their ownfearelhe* Inability to developsocial skills* Can’t have friends overbecause of the need tohide the violence* Keeping harmful“secrets”* Not trustingof adultsPHYSICAL& MENTALEFFECTS* Children may feel guilt& shame and think it’s theirfault* May regress to early stages ofdevelopment* Demanding & withdrawn* Crave / need attentionSEXUAL ABUSE* Shame of body* Feeling threatened & fearful of theirsexuality* Learning inappropriate sexual talkand behaviourUSING* Children having access toCHILDRENpornographic magazines &* Being put in themoviesmiddle of fights* Children may take onroles & responsibilities ofparents and give up beingchildren* Children seen & not heard* Children being used to solveconflicts, asking them totake sidesAdapted from the Domestic AbuseIntervention Centre, Duluth, Minnesota.8CHARMED AND DANGEROUS:
What is a Healthy Relationship?A healthy relationship is what we allstrive to achieve. A healthy relationship isidentified through the presence of equality.The elements of a healthy relationship areapplicable to all forms of relationships; withfriends, dating partners, intimate partners,life partners, or family members. Eachcomponent of the wheel supports andreinforces the others, with equality alwaysat the centre.Respect: Respect other people’s boundaries. Learn other people’s boundaries anddo not infringe upon them.Responsibility: A shared responsibilityfor maintaining the relationship. Both people in a relationship should be included inmaking decisions.Communication: Communicateeffectively. Effective communicationinvolves clearly expressing yourOILVENCENO Nthoughts and feelings andlistening to those d from theDomestic AbuseIntervention Centre,Duluth, Minnesota.Trust: Trust lies at the heart of a strongrelationship and is the foundation that loveand respect are built on.Support: Support and encouragementof each other to achieve their goals anddreams, and personal growth.A Woman’s Guide to Reclaiming a Healthy RelationshipBoundaries:Maintain healthyboundaries.Create asafe andcomfortablespace toexperiencerelationshipsby defining andcommunicatingyour boundariesto others.Honesty: Be openand honest. It is importantfor both people in a relationship to be honest about their intentions, feelings or desires.Accountability: Be responsible for yourown actions. Talk to others to understandhow your actions affect them.There is no place in a healthy relationshipfor controlling, abusive and violentbehaviour.9
Relationship Warning SignsBefore an abuser starts physically assaultinghis victim, he typically demonstrates hisabusive tactics through certain behaviours.The following are five major warning signs:CharmAbusive men are often very charming. Atthe start of a relationship abusers may seemlike Prince Charming, charming you, yourfriends and family. Abusers have times inwhich they can be very engaging, thoughtful,considerate and charismatic. Abusers mayuse their charm to gain very personalinformation about you which he may lateruse against you. Charm can be used todeceive you, your family and friends.ControlAbusers are obsessed with control. Overtime the abuser may control every aspectof your life, who you talk to, what you wear,where and when you go out and youraccess to money. Whilst at times abusersmay appear to lose control when they gointo a rage, it is important to remember thatthey are actually very much in control oftheir behaviour.We know the abuser’s behaviour is notabout anger but is a controlled actionbecause:o The abuser is often not violenttowards other people.o The abuse often occurs when thereare no witnesses. The abuser is ableto stop their violence when the policearrive or when the phone rings.o The abuser is able to direct wherethey punch or kick so any bruisingor marks can be hidden from otherpeople.10Emotional AbuseThe abuser may use emotional abuseto destroy your self-esteem. You mayexperience being falsely blamed for theviolence; you may be put down, callednames or be threatened. Over time youmay find you are blaming yourself for theviolence and forgetting that you deserveto be treated with respect. Some womenfind emotional abuse is more difficult toheal from than physical abuse, the bruisesand broken bones mend, yet the emotionalscars remain.
2 CHARMED AND DANGEROUS: This booklet,“Charmed and Dangerous: A Woman’s Guide to Reclaiming a Healthy Relationship”, has been developed for women by women. This booklet was the initiative of the Tweed Shire Women’s Services Inc. We hope this sharing of information may assist you in your journey to
Charmed and dangerous A woman’s guide to reclaiming a healthy relationship 1 Introduction This booklet, Charmed and Dangerous: A Woman’s Guide to Reclaiming a Healthy Relationship, has been developed for women by women.This booklet was the initiative of the Tweed Shire Women’s Services Inc.
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Nutrition and Food Science [CODE] SPECIMEN PAPER Assessment Unit A2 1 assessing. 21 Option A: Food Security and Sustainability or Option B: Food Safety and Quality. 22 Option A: Food Security and Sustainability Quality of written communication will be assessed in all questions. Section A Answer the one question in this section. 1 (a) Outline the arguments that could be used to convince .
