Letter From The Editors - WordPress

Letter from the Editors“Let’s play doctor, I’ll be the otoscope.”It's been a relatively steady year at Penn. Huntsman Hall is still vaguely phallic, DRL still houses the world'slargest repository of incorrect Maple problems, and D still cannot follow Q no matter how good the fajitas are. UnlessKofi Annan brings his Realdoll to commencement, the '04-'05 school year will enter the books as a giant exercise in thebanal. Without any real news, we at Punch Bowl have finally had time to delve deep into our own past. We didn’t findmuch at first, just some snap bracelets and a moldy Dorito. But then we discovered that the Punch Bowl, a magazineof 100-odd years, has it own sordid history.We've always been the rough-and-tumble outcast of the campus' publications. Scrappier, meaner, anddishwasher-safe; we’ll take anything on. If that includes the DP and a busload of anemictoddlers, so be it. If that includes eight decades of penis jokes, even better. Over theyears, we’ve polished our respected and unique middle class sensibility. Alright, uppermiddle class. But still, beneath the crust and above the filling lies Punch Bowl'sTraumatic Childhood.There was a time when the Ivy League was filled with the aristocratic elite; drunk,rich, and dressed to the nines. They founded Punch Bowl as a lark during halftime at apolo match. Their early martini-laden rantings would today be considered racist, antiSemitic, and hilarious reprehensible. And what about the DP? Until they stop runningthose American-backed Zionist crossword puzzles, the Intifada continues.Screaming Violently,Dave Kornfeld,Curt JesterWill Smythe,30% OffJM & YZ

Volume 79Spring 2005Issue ThreeEditorial StaffEditors-in-Chief:Associate Editors:Business Editor:Murders & Executions:Editor Emeritus:Executive Illustrator:We admit we’reDave KornfeldWill SmytheDeirdre NorrisMike WeingarthJohnny McNultyChris Van OrdenAlex KingKevin KimuraCathy SchaeferChloe JacobsRob CooperTim PirolliYifei ‘06‘05Med ‘08‘07SpoonsMelody KramerRob CohenSteph BachulaMichelle ZimmermanMichael GutmannWayne KerrWe are proudly funded by the fine folks atSAC. We don’t really know what SAC standsfor. It could be the Student Activities Council,or Stringently Allotted Cash, or Sexy AsianConcubines.Cover by Will Smythe.Punch Bowl would like to thank AC,Smoke’s, Abner’s, Greek Lady and Gojjo’s.Punch Bowl is not responsible for any anger,confusion, or horsegagging suffered as a resultof consumption of this magazine. It’s not ourfault you don’t have a sense of humor. Punch Bowl 2005

New Courses for 2005by Mike Weingarth, Johnny McNulty, Chris Van Orden, Dave Kornfeld,PHIL092: Perspectives In Hypothetical Dispute Resolution - Land-shark vs.Aqua-tiger? Indiana Jones and Han Solo vs. Darth Vader and Napoleon?Robin if he was straight vs. Batman if he was gay? Captain Planet vs. Shaqvs. Emeril? George Washington's torso vs. Abe Lincoln's legs? Exegesis vs.Analgesic? Auteurism vs. Autism? Cerberus and Minotaur vs. Lassie?Hamburger Helper Glove vs. Arby's Mitt? Nature vs. Nurture vs. New JackCity, starring Wesley Snipes? Who would win in a slam-dunk contest?Prereq: STAT 435: Advanced Probability and the Slam Dunk ContestSTREET034: Introduction to Trendy Journalism - Poor people suck. ZING!Hey sorority girl I banged last week, I ripped that condom beforehand,HEYO! Tight pants are totally hip this week, ROCK! Super-secret auditionsfor cool people ended last week and you didn't make the cut, ROFLMAO!Prereq: 7 or above on the Hip-O-Meter, or nothing.When not spiting God,Darwin was a doodler.COML237: Write My Book - As many of you know, I'm working on a book this semester. Whatmight you not know, is that I am completely without desire to do so. I don't give many A’s, unlessyou're writing my book. All readings are required to write my book. The final exam will be youbuying the book that I wrote. I wrote it.Prereq: COML235: Kiss My AssBIOL539: Advanced efefefef lafl;iiiiiiiiiiiiiiifPrereq: BIOL102: Intro to lah;gkkkkkjplg.What a greatbook!ANTH459: Neo Pre-Postmodernism in Contemporary Antiquity - This class will conceptualizeshifting variables in the development of modernism read through a critical lens based onRousseau's visualizations of past and present cross-referenced with Geertz's hypotheses on how contemporary cultures are created, promulgated and perpetuated inside a consumerist mentality combined with a westernized Zen aesthetic. We'll also be linking penguins to Nerf balls.Prereq: ANTH421: 18th Century Bullshit: The RenaissanceENGL023: Cliché - It’s been done.Prereq: BIOL048: A Bird in the Hand, or NURS033: Two in the Bush.ENGL109: Fan Fiction - Harry awoke from his soft, sleepy slumber to the sound ofHermione rummaging beneath his bed. “Hermione, what are you doing in my chambers?”“I forgot my spellbook, and I need to study for McGonnigle’s test.”“You bookworm, that test is weeks from now.”Hermione emerged from beneath the slumber slab, hair tussled and glasses askew.“I’ve been having trouble sleeping. I can’t stop thinking about magic wands.”Harry sat up and slowly reached over and pushed her glasses up the bridge of hernose. “I think you’re casting a levitation spell on me, Herm.”“We don't have to tell Ron, do we?"This course does NOT fulfill the Writing Requirement, creep.and then he didsomething he’dnever done before.

They Know Where You SleepBy Cathy Schaefer, Rob Cooper, Tim Pirolli, and Alex KingIn the past, Penn has not matched roommates based on interests. But we think it should. So fill out this formor you’ll end up spending another year with Mike, the only guy at Penn clinically diagnosed with the Norwalk virus.Enjoy!Circle one from each group that best describes yourideal roommate:1.HOTNOT6 out of 102.smoker3.cleanlinessgodliness4.eats porkeats tofu5.gets up earlygets off earlynever wakes upnever gets offsnorerarsonistknife enthusiastfugliness Green Partyeats roommatesTell us a few things about yourself:Do you want children?p Yesp Nop Only if they come with friesWhat kind of job would you like to have?p I-bankerp Consultantp Doctorp I-banking consultantp I-banking consultant doctorWhere is Alexander Hamilton now?p In my textbookp In my walletp In my heartp In Trinity Churchyard on BroadwayWhat's your favorite quote?p "There are big ships and small ships but noships like friendships."p "I'd rather have a bottle in front of me thana frontal lobotomy."p "Fuck Princeton!"p "Whoa, look at my anus! Get the camera!Hurry!"Which hobbies would you like to share?p American Sign Languagep Scientologyp Phrenologyp RingwormDK & JMAK

Super-Fun Children’s Toysby Dave Kornfeld and Alex KingHumor us for a moment.Think back to a time before Walmart,Amazon.com, and the SalvationArmy. A time when your mom toldyou who your friends were and yourfriends told you who yo' mommawas. A time when most of yourentertainment came from non-vibrating plastic.Remember the store where allyour dreams came true? Does TOYSR-FUCKING-US ring a bell? Let usinduce some nostalgia. Here are thetoys you wish you could have.Avoided.From the makers of Puppy Surprise

Amy’s Adjustment to PennBy Tim Pirolli, Dave Kornfeld, Kevin Kimura, and Will SmythePenn has a lot of problems: relations with West Philadelphia are rocky at best; college houses don't providestudents an adequate feeling of community; David Rittenhouse Laboratory. As the one year anniversary of the mostheralded inauguration since that of Tenneesee governor Frank G. Clement approaches, we reflect on the adjustmentsthat President Amy Gutmann has undergone as she fills her new role and those tight, tight pants.1. Mingle with indigenous population - Upon arrival at Penn in June the newly inducted president discovers she ispowerless in West Philadelphia as she steps out of her armored Humvee and is greeted by inquisitive locals. Theyoffer gifts of concealed firearms and requests for "all her fucking money."2. Start using - Three weeks into the job, she accepts that her responsibilities include nothing more than being aparade participant and practicing proper dental hygiene for soliciting alumni sugar daddies. She now understands thatthere is a power greater than herself that can restore her sanity. That power? Pure Colombian blow.3. Find God - After a 47-hour Atlantic City nickel-slots binge, she turns her will over to the Lord with the help ofCincinnati Bearcats point guard Jihad Mohammed.4. Find self - At the behest of Jihad, Amy travels across Yemen to take a moral inventory of herself but fails, resultingin an unparalleled degree of shame, denial, and bedsores. Meanwhile, back at Penn, MexiCali opens a store at 40thand Sansom.5. Confession - Amy returns to Philadelphia in early October to admit to God and the world the exact nature of herwrongs. Namely, leaving Princeton.6. Redemption - This step is usually where the addict is ready for God to remove all the defects from one's character.Instead, Amy unveils the WXPN building, signifying that she is entirely godless and devoid of goodness in her heart.7. Re-redemption - Again, this step is where Amy should ask God to remove her shortcomings. Since she skippedStep Six, she substitutes a quick trip to Cereality for a Cheerios-Count Chocula bowl with raspberries and honey.8. Make Amends - After a twelve day stay in HUP for food poisoning, Amy makes a list of all the people she hasharmed. Sadly, she misinterprets the instructions of this step and seeks them out in order to harm them again. Shebegins with Punch Bowl editor Will Smythe (SEAS, '06) by breaking his heart atop the Eiffel Tower again.9. Reconciliation - In early February, Amy begins to make amends to the people she has harmed by announcing plansto turn Fresh Grocer into the McNeil Institute for the Study of Early American History. As expected, local residentsare "tickled pink." Somewhere in the South Caribbean, Judith Rodin punches a cabana boy for not speaking English.10. Acceptance of Responsibility - Amy takes a personal inventory and when wrong, she promptly admits it and actsto correct the wrong. Thus, she de-annexes the Gadsen Purchase.11. Communion - In mid-February, Amy is ready to make a conscious contact with God. Thus, she goes back toCereality and has the mescaline and Lucky Charms special. For a week, she lives naked on the roof of the Fine ArtsLibrary, humming the Eagle's classic, "Tequila Sunrise," and throwing pebbles at anyone wearing a scarf.12. Resolution and Self-Actualization - Being spiritually fulfilled and one with the Penn Presidency, she begins tocarry the message to other Ivy League Presidents. This decision directly results in a no-confidence vote for HarvardPresident Lawrence Summers and the much-anticipated exclusion of Brown from the Ivy League.