Crucial Confrontations - WordPress
Executive Book Summary By: Janelle Kellerp. 1Crucial Confrontations:Tools for Resolving Broken Promises, Violated Expectations and Bad BehaviorBy: Kerry Patterson, Joseph Grenny, Ron McMillian and Al SwitzlerSummaryWhen I chose the book, CrucialConfrontations, I was expecting to read ahuman resource book about dealing withWhat makesan excellentleader?difficult co-workers. I was pleasantlysurprised that the authors of CrucialConfrontations not only described ways tohave difficult conversations at work, but thatthey also discussed how to deal with thebroken promises, violated expectations andbad behavior, that are consistent whendealing with all forms of relationships. Thebook was written in a way that engaged thereader and put them in the drivers’ seat ofseveral common examples. Often the authorsreferred to the reader as ‘you’ to impel thereader to feel the urgency of the situation.From there the authors would walk the readerthrough solutions for the situation. Becausethis personal writing style was very effectiveand distinct, I will attempt to maintain thisChapters:IntroductionPart One: Work on Me Firsto Choose What and Ifo Master My StoriesPart Two: Confront with Safetyo Describe the Gapo Make it Motivatingo Make it EasyPart Three: Move to Actiono Agree on a Plan and Followupo Put it All Togethero The Seven ‘Yeah-Buts’form throughout my executive booksummary.Ever dealt with a gossip at work, a friend that has broken a promise or a teenagerthat has skipped curfew? Chances are that you were faced with a crucialconfrontation. How did you handle it?
Executive Book Summary By: Janelle Kellerp. 2IntroductionThe Authors sympathized with how we all facecrucial confrontations. They determined that for themost part people have reacted in two instinctualways: fight or flight. They argue that there is a thirdreaction to these critical situations. Throughout thebook the authors share the results of a study of25, 000 people, that were identified by theircolleagues, as the most effective people in theircompanies. The research led to the followinghypothesis about effective leaders: “It wasn’t theirtechnical skills, their title, or even something asintangible as, say, charisma they were the best atstepping up to colleagues, coworkers, or even theirbosses, and holding them accountable” (287 of5051). From this research they developed a thirdreaction or method to handling crucial confrontations. They provided insight as to how to develop the skillsnecessary to interact in a crucial conversation without referring to a fight or flight instinct. This method willmaintain a positive relationship while correcting the unwanted behavior. The authors discussed the importance ofstepping up to difficult conversations. They suggested, “Most organizations are losing between 20 and 80 percentof their potential performance because of leaders’ and employees’ inability to step up to and master crucialconfrontations” (461 of 5051).When people are not held accountable they begin a process that Fredrick Taylor (1916) referred to as soldiering.This phenomenon occurs when workers purposely work below their capacity. The authors felt that if leaders,parents, and coworkers learn to step up to and hold people accountable, the gap between achievers will decrease.They suggested, “if you learn how to hold people accountable in a way that will solve problems without causingnew ones, you can look forward to significant and lasting change” (511 of 5051).
Executive Book Summary By: Janelle KellerSelf-Assessment:p. 3Part One: Work on Me First“Crucial Confrontations live and die on thewords people choose and the way people deliverthem” (539 of 5051).Complete the following by answering whetheror not the statement applies to you. Keeptrack of the total amount of yes’.1. Rather than get into an argument, Itend to put off certain discussionslonger than I should.2. When others don’t deliver on apromise, there are times when I judgethem more quickly than I should.3. Sometimes I bring up problems in away that makes others defensive.4. There are people I routinely deal withwho, to be honest, just can’t bemotivated.5. When someone can’t do something, Itend to jump in with my advice whenall they really want is a chance to talkabout their ideas.6. When talking to others aboutproblems, sometimes I get sidetrackedand miss the original problem.7. Sometimes I work through a problem,but forget to clarify who is supposedto do what by when.The authors cautioned that the methods describedin this book were not intended to provide you witha magic solution that can be used to “fix everyoneelse”. It is exhausting to be perfect and to try toteach everyone around you to be perfect. It is alsoannoying and never true. The strategies describedin this book began with a personal reflection. Theauthors remind you that “crucial confrontationslive and die on the words people choose and theway people deliver them” (539 of 5051). Nomatter how long a person pauses to reflect uponand choose the ‘right’ words to say in a crucialconfrontation, if not in the right frame of mindthey can all go to waste. When faced with acrucial confrontation people who want to besuccessful need to understand how to choose whatand if and to master their own stories.Scoring:Choosing WHAT and IF:Add up the number of yes’ you had. Here’s what yourIssues never fit into a tiny box; they are oftentotal score means:complicated and layered. When faced with a6-7 Go buy Crucial Confrontations!breach of contract it is important to determine what4-5 You could use some help but at least you’re honest2-3 You’re capable and likely to be succeeding0-1 You could teach us all a thing or two(398 of 5051)the most important or main issue is before dealingwith it. As mentioned, problems often do not takeon a ‘yes or no’ format and it is important tochoose the issue that is the core of the
Executive Book Summary By: Janelle Kellerp. 4problem or the one that needs immediate attention.The second thing that must be considered is if youare going to address the problem at all. Whentrying to determine the ‘what’ the authorsrecommend considering CPR: content, pattern andrelationship. When an issue occurs for the firsttime the authors recommend discussing thecontent. If the issue persists then a discussioncould be about the pattern of the problem. Theimpact of the violation may begin to take a toll onhow you relate to one another and the conversationabout the relationship may be more fitting. Whentrying to determine which route should be taken inthe conversation it is always important to considerwhat it is you want and what you don’t want fromthe conversation. When considering if theconversation needs to take place or not the authorssuggested reflecting on four questions:1. Am I acting it out?o Sometimes when we choose not torespond to an issue we think that weare better at hiding ourdisappointment then we actuallyare. Sarcasm begins to rear its uglyhead, followed shortly after bycutting humor. The authorscaution, “when you’ve gone silent,but your body language keepssending out hostile signals or you’redropping hints or relying onsarcasm, you probably ought tospeak up” (845 of 5051).2. Is my conscience nagging me?o “If social pressure can cause peopleto lie, it can certainly drive peopleto silence. Pay attention to anagging conscience – it may beindicating a confrontation that youneed to step up to” (862 of 5051).3. Am I choosing the certainty of silence overthe risk of speaking up?o This question forces you to reflecton whether you are choosing toremain silent because you fear thatthe issues that are experienced arebetter than the horrific response thatyou may experience if you decide toparticipate in a crucialconfrontation. The authorshighlight that in order to choosesilence people trick themselves by“downplaying the cost of notspeaking and exaggerating the costof expressing our views” (945 of5051).“Quietly embracing the devilwe know” (945 of 5051)
Executive Book Summary By: Janelle Keller4. Am I telling myself that I’m helpless?o Sometimes people do not feelconfident in their abilities to hold acrucial confrontation and mayconvince themselves that it is theothers problem because ‘they neverlisten anyway’. It is important torecognize if not confronting is a copout or a reasoned decision.p. 5Part Two: Confront with SafetyBefore having a crucial confrontation you mustcreate an environment of safety for everyoneinvolved. Safety can be created through:describing the gap, making it motivating, making iteasy and staying focused and flexible.Describe the GapBefore having a crucial confrontation it isMaster My Storiesimportant to understand what you want toContinuing with the theme of starting with yourconfront. The authors describe this as a brokenown reflection the authors remind you of thepromise, “a gap; a difference between what youimportance of the climate of a conversation. It isexpected and what actually happened” (1478 ofimportant to avoid a horrible climate by charging5051). The authors also refer to the gap as missedin half-informed and half-cocked. Theycommitments, disappointed expectations and badrecommend before entering into any conversationbehavior. Before describing the successfulasking yourself “why a reasonable, rational, andstrategies that were observed in their study thedecent person would do what you’ve just seen asauthors first discuss ways that have good intent,well as if you yourself are playing a role in thebut ultimately failed at confronting the issue andproblem” (1425 of 5051). Try to determine whatmaintaining a positive relationship.is influencing the person to act the way they have.Unsuccessful Strategies:“Have you evernoticed anybodygoing slower than youis an idiot, and anyonegoing faster than you isa maniac?” George Carlin (As seen in Patterson, et Al,2005, 1034 of 5051)Sandwich Technique- Start and end with acompliment. Stick the concern somewhere in themiddle. The authors felt that this technique was atype of game being played. They suggestedavoiding games and getting to the point.
Executive Book Summary By: Janelle KellerUnsuccessful Strategies (Cont.):p. 6Start With Safety:“The Big Surprise – At the foundationof every successful confrontation liessafety. When others feel frightened ornervous or otherwise unsafe, youcan’t talk about anything. But if youcan create safety, you can talk withalmost anyone about almost anything– even about failed promises” (1571of 5051)Luring- Talking the guilty party into denying aproblem only to punish them for lying. This isalso a type of game. The authors felt that it wasmanipulative.Playing Charades- Relying on nonverbal hints andsubtle innuendo. The authors noticed that somepeople feel most comfortable dealing with an issueby frowning, smirking or looking concerned.With every crucial confrontation it is important toThey authors felt that this was a dangerousdescribe the gap. There should be no reason to danceapproach because it may be misinterpreted and isaround the topic. However, if you feel that the personvery difficult to document.that is receiving the confrontation will feel at allPassing the Buck- Blaming someone else for thethreatened, intimidated or insulted, measures should beissue that is being brought up in order to take thetaken in order to ensure that the person feels safe.hones off of you. This method is also disloyal,dishonest, and ineffective.Mind Readers- Trying to have people read yourWatch for Safety Signs:The authors suggested that people will feel unsafemind is also a strategy that will not present thewhen they believe one of two things: the personbest results. Having people guess what the issue isthat initiates the confrontation does not havecan be irritating and ineffective. It can appearmutual respect or mutual purpose. They observedpatronizing or manipulative.that people would monitor their safety based onThe most effective method of approaching awhether or not something bad is currentlydifficult conversation was to describe the gap.happening to them or that bad things are about toBefore describing the gap the authors felt that ithappen.was important to set the right tone. From theWhen the person being addressed begins to showstudies that they had conducted they noticed asigns of fear or silence it is an indicator that theypattern with the successful leaders: start withare feeling a lack of mutual respect or purpose. Itsafety, share your path and end with a question.is the goal of the initiator to determine which isbeing affected.“Speak when you are angry and you will make thebest speech you will ever regret” Ambrose Bierce(As seen in Patterson, Et Al, 2005, 1469 or 5051)
Executive Book Summary By: Janelle KellerMaintaining Mutual Respect:p. 7Path to Action ModelIf approaching a conversation with a tone of voice or afacial expression that suggests a lack of mutual respectthe individual being addressed will feel that bad thingsare currently happening to them.1.2.Remember to tell the rest of the story: it isimportant to remember that when someoneviolates a promise the initial story that you createin your head may not be reasonable. Take time toreflect upon reasons why the person did this. Askyourself why a reasonable person would do this?Use Contrasting: This is a technique that can beused when initially describing the broken promise.It addresses safety before it is threatened.SeeandHearTell aStoryFeelActShare your Path:Go back to the Path to Action Model to be clear aboutwhat you want to discuss. Try to reflect on whatshould be shared from the journey that was taken. Theauthors recommend avoiding judgments. If you sharewhat you initially thought of their reaction the personthat is being addressed will immediately feel that youMaintaining Mutual Purpose:have already come to a conclusion about their behaviorIf a conversation is based on your goals withoutand safety is at risk. Start with the facts. Describe toconsidering the goals of the person being addressed, thethe person what they did and the result. Try to describeaddressee may feel that their goals being overlooked isthe facts that tell what happened and not why you thinka sign of something bad about to happen.they happened.1. “Build a common ground before you evenmention a problem. Let others know that yourintentions are pure-that your goal is to solveproblems and make things better for both ofyou. Start with what’s important to you andthem-not just you. Establish Mutual Purpose”(1664 of 5051)2. Ask for Permission: avoid rushing into acrucial conversation without asking permissionfirst. By asking permission the individual thatis being addressed will feel that they have beengiven respect and that the intent is notmalicious.3. Speak in Private: Public confrontations do notlend themselves to a feeling of safety.End with a Question:After ensuring safety and sharing the path that you havetaken to get to this confrontation while maintainingsafety it is time to ask a question in order to wrap upthe beginning of the conversation. After your openingstatement your goal should be to hear the other person’sperspective. By asking an open and honest question itallows the person a chance to explain their point ofview. As they are explaining their point of viewremember to listen for the underlying cause and whichof the six sources of influence are at play.
Executive Book Summary By: Janelle KellerMake it MotivatingSometimes when confronting someone about a gapyou may realize that motivation is a factor. They maysay things like ‘what’s the big deal? Is it really worththe effort?’ or ‘I had more important things to do’. Inthe case of motivation the authors remind us that“power doesn’t matter all that much. In fact, in manyp. 8Recipe for a Motivational Cocktail:2 c. charisma1 c. chutzpahDash of fear“Blend two parts charisma, one partchutzpah, and a healthy dash of fearinto a perfect motivational cocktail”(1948 or 5051)cases the more you think you need power to influenceEFFECTIVE ways to motivate:others’ motivation, the less likely you are to do it1.well” (1917 of 5051). The authors felt that motivationis often wrongly defined. Most people see it as astrategy that is implemented with power or fear to beeffective. The authors argue that motivation is aboutexpectations, information, and communication.Common INEFFECTIVE ways to motivate:2.1.2.3.Charisma- Although charisma is a requirement ina good movie, it is not required when trying tomotivate someone.Power and Force-When relying on power andforce to motivate it can come with costs. Forceworks against relationships, motivates resistanceand usually doesn’t last. Although the initialresults of power and force can seem successful,in the long run there are too many costs for it tobe effective.Perks-Using perks to motivate can also bedamaging. Adding perks to necessary work canbe undermining and begins to destroysatisfaction.“Research supports the idea thatemployees’ job satisfaction andjob performance are related.”SatisfactionSteen, Noe, Hollenbeck,Gerhart and Wright (2009)Performance3.4.Natural Consequences- Apply the naturalconsequences for the persons’ behavior in order tomotivate them. The authors felt that “naturalconsequences are always present and always serveas a potential source of motivation” (2111 of5051). Sometimes people are too busy or unableto see the long-term results to see how theiractions have natural consequences. By exposingthe consequences of their behavior and how theircurrent actions are contrary to their values orbeliefs, a long-term motivation to change theiraction can occur.Connect Short-Term Benefits with Long-TermPain- Help them to see that their current actionsmay seem best in the short-term, but that in thelong term they can be very damaging.Place the Focus on Long-Term Benefits-Help theperson to become motivated by sharing with themhow the long-term benefits outweigh the shortterm benefits of their current actions.Introduce the Hidden Victims- The action of oneperson often affects several others. If someone isunmotivated to complete a task it is sometimeshelpful to share with them how their actions affectother people around them. To help introduce howtheir action have social implications describe howtheir behavior is affecting the other people aroundthem.Remember when explaining natural consequences tosomeone do not overload. Once you notice that theyare beginning to show motivation stop sharingreasons for them to be.
Executive Book Summary By: Janelle Kellerp. 9Tools for making it Easy: Motivation and ability are joined atthe hip Make it EasyMotivation and ability are very closely related. Ifthe job is difficult or tedious it can decreasemotivation. When diagnosing how to motivatesomeone it is important to determine whether theindividual is dealing with a motivation or anability issue. It is not always clear which one it iseither. Often people will give explanations ofwhy something isn’t done that aren’t true to avoidthe real reason. This is where it is important toask questions to make sure you are helping in thebest way. If the issue is ability it is the leaders’role to help make the job easy.1. Jointly Explore Barriers: Work with theperson to describe the barriers that theyare facing and help them to brainstormways to prevent the barriers. If the personhas ownership of the solution they aremore likely to be motivated to attempt thejob.2. Explore Ability Barriers: In order touncover all barriers it will be important todiscuss ability barriers. Ability barriersstem from self, others and things.a. Self: Personal ability issues can bedifficult. Always check in withthe person’s safety. Make surethat they are comfortable in thisconversation. Keep theconversation upbeat.b. Others: Discussing how others areaffecting their ability to completethe task is typically easier. Again,safety is important. People willnot explain how other colleaguesare barriers if they feel that theyare ‘ratting’ someone out.c. Things: The role of the physicalworld is typically the easiestbarrier to discuss. How somethingis affecting someone’s ability tocomplete the task is somethingthat can be discussed with littlefear of consequence. The difficultthing to overcome in thisconversation is often people’sview of the physical world is thatit is unchanging. Help them to seethat equipment can be updated orchanged.
Executive Book Summary By: Janelle KellerStay Focused and Flexible:If another problem arises during a crucialconfrontation it is important to be able todetermine if this is a greater problem or if youbookmark it and come back to it after the currentissue is dealt with. The authors recommend:1. Be Focused: Note new problems andselect the right one. Resolve theproblem that you decide to work on andcome back to the other one another time.2. Be Flexible: Deal with problems one at atime and consciously choose to deal withnew issues, don’t allow them to be forceupon you.The authors presented four emergent problemsand how to address them:1. People Feel Unsafe: The issue of safety isalways important to address in anyconversation. Always deal with safetybefore moving on to another issue.2. People Violate Your Trust: The issue of‘something came up’ allows people to beunaccountable. In order to address thisissue it is important to send out themessage that if something does come up itis essential to inform someoneimmediately.3. A completely different issue becomes aproblem: If a bigger issue appears duringa crucial confrontation and you feel that itis important to address make sure that youinform the person of the change inconversation and leave a bookmark in theinitial confrontation.4. Explosive emotions take over: In crucialconfrontations the other person may gosilent or violent at the onset of theconversation. The standard methods top. 10create safety are not sufficient in theseextreme cases. The person must be giventhe opportunity to calm down. Whendealing with anger:a. Ensure your own safety: You don’thave to be a hero. If you areunsafe, leave the room and allowthe person time to cool off.b. If you feel safe to talk to the persondeal with their emotion and not theissue. Try to see more than theaction. Apply AMPP to listen tosomeone who is emotionallydistraught.Part Three: Move to ActionAgree on a Plan and Follow-upCompleting a crucial confrontation is just asimportant as having one. The authors reiterate thispoint when they described how “if you do thiswell, you build commitment and establish afoundation for accountability” (3250 of 5051).When establishing an action plan make sure thatthe plan is clear for everyone. A complete planassumes nothing. The authors provide anotheracronym to maintain a complete plan: WWWF.
Executive Book Summary By: Janelle KellerThe authors caution that the follow-up shouldnot appear as a micromanagement orabandonment. The authors’ described twotypes of follow-ups:1. Checkups: Do checkups when you’regiving the assignment and are nervousor have questions. During theconversation set a time for the checkupletting the person know how importantthe task is to you and the value of thereview.2. Checkbacks: are designed for a taskthat is routine and has been assigned tosomeone who is experienced andproductive. Once you have agreed ona plan make sure to follow throughwith the plan.p. 114. Hearsaya. Danger point- When others consistentlycomplain to you about a problem, but younever actually see the problem yourself.b. Solution-master your own story. Don’t adoptother people’s stories.5. Potentially Devastatinga. Danger point- Most people will not devastateanother person.b. Solution- Begin to hold people accountableone step at a time.6. Way out of Line and Scarya. Danger point- people who are way out ofhand and hold leaders hostage.b. Solution- Hold the employee accountable.7. Confronting the Pasta. Danger point- Repeating the same mistakes.b. Solution- Confront the past.Put it all Together:Work On Me FirstThe Seven ‘Yeah-buts’:1. Confronting Authoritya. Danger Point- you don’t want theperson in charge mad at you.b. Solution- Here you need to choosebetween coping and cutting out.2. Breaking from the packa. Danger Point- You are exposingyourself and others to a wholerange of risks.b. The solution-Remember to makeit safe. Use a contrastingstatement to eliminate a possiblemisunderstanding.3. Married to a mimea. Danger point- when one personwants to talk and the otherdoesn’t.b. Solution-Make sure the personknows that talking willstrengthen the relationship.Stay Focused andFlexibleChoose What & IfMaster My StoriesNew Problem?Confront with SafetyDescribe the GAPMake itMotivatingRevisit the OriginalProblemMake itEasyMake it SafeMove to ActionAgree on a planFollow-upFear?
Executive Book Summary By: Janelle Kellerp. 12Critical Evaluation:This book was very helpful when dealing with everyday situations. It is an excellent resource for supportin knowing what to do in difficult situations where sturdy relationships and accountability are tested. Alot of times when there are broken promises a new program or a policy change is implemented in order tosolve the issue. The authors of “Crucial Confrontations” (2005) pointed out that this is not a long-termsolution. They suggested, “Physical changes and changes in policies are generally insufficient to propelimprovement” (490 of 5051). Although a physical change can temporarily improve things it does notconsistently remain positive. As the saying goes “Change people’s hearts by changing their minds”. Inorder to make a positive substantial change within an organization you must consider the people whomake the organization what it is. If you are able to hold a conversation with someone who has broken apromise they are more likely to succeed if faced with this challenge again. If the people feel heard andhave the opportunity to be accountable they will have a better chance of facing challenges and masteringnew ideas. This type of workplace atmosphere promotes engagement and employee wellbeing whichleads to a successful organization.About the Authors:All Four authors have been recognized for their writing.They are all cofounders of the leading coming incorporate training and organizational performance:VitalSmarts.Kerry Patterson:Patterson has taught at Bringham Young University’sMarriot School of Management.Joseph Grenny:Grenny is the coauthor of four New York Timesbestsellers. He also writes a regular column onBusinessWeek.com.Ron McMillian:McMillian has taught executives and leaders for over25 years. He has an advanced degree in sociology andorganizational behavior from Bringham YoungUniversity and the University of Utah.Al Switzler:Switzler has been involved with training andmanagement initiatives with many organizationsaround the world. He has taught at the Marriott Schoolof Management at Bringham Young University, atAuburn University, and at the Universtiy of Kentucky.References:Patterson, K., Grenny, J., McMillian, R., Switzler, A(2005). Crucial Confrontations: Tools forResolving Broken Promises, ViolatedExpectations and Bad Behaviour. McGrawHill.Steen, S., Noe, R., Hollenbeck, J., Gerhart, B., &Wright, P. (2009) Human ResourceManagement. (2nd Canadian Edition).Toronto, ON: McGraw-Hill Ryerson.VitalSmarts (2012) retrieved dership/
When I chose the book, Crucial Confrontations, I was expecting to read a human resource book about dealing with difficult co-workers. I was pleasantly surprised that the authors of Crucial Confrontations not only described ways to have difficult conversations at work, but
DESCRBING CRUCIAL CONVERSATIONS AND CONFRONTATIONS 1. A crucial conversation is a discussion between two or more people where: Stakes are high Opinions vary Emotions run strong 2. Crucial conversations are about disagreements. (Disagreements not handled well lead to: Strained relationships Poor decisions Disastrous results 3.
other performance gaps. The authors explore how to step up to and master crucial confrontations. A crucial confrontation consists of a face-to-face accountability discussion – someone has disappointed you and you talk to him or her directly. When handled well, the File Size: 770KB
Conversations and review Kerry Patterson’s excellent book on Crucial Confrontations. Bill Cropper, Director – The Change Forum What’s in this Issue page Dealing with Defensiveness 1 Performance Conversations 2 Book Review: Crucial Confrontations 2 Difficult Discussions – ‘drops on you’ 3 Helping Leaders Tackle Hard Talks 4
Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss What Matters Most by Douglas Stone The SPEED of Trust: The One Thing That Changes Everything by Stephen M.R. Covey About the Author This award-winning team of authors has produced three New York Times Best-Sellers: Crucial Conversations, Crucial Confrontations and Infl uencer. They are also sought-after
Crucial Conversations - Holding a discussion between two or more people where (1) stakes are high, (2) opinions vary, and (3) emotions run strong, seeking successful resolution and action through respectful dialogue. Crucial Confrontations - Holding someone accountable for broken promises, violated expectations, or bad behavior
and Crucial Confrontations: Tools for Resolving Broken Promises, Violated Expectations, and Bad Behavior. “[Crucial Conversations] is a breakthrough book. I found myself being deeply influenced, motivated, and inspired.” Stephen R. Covey, author of The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People “Crucial Conversations is one of the most powerful
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